I Got My Ass Kicked By A Professional Sumo Wrestler

Sumo wrestling is the sport of the future, from the past. Dudes stepping into the ring (dohyō) and dominating the competition with raw power. There are no weight classes, so 70 lb. Vibbsy going up against a 370 lb. wrestler is a possibility. Which is what happened when "Big Kimo" of the International Sumo League visited the office. 

While it was demoralizing lining up across from a man the size of a mountain, the worst feeling is wearing another man's loincloth (mawashi) that's flossed the inside of his ass crack. To add insult to injury he's doing single arm curls with me while I'm wearing it. BUT, whatever it takes to be part of the sumo brother hood, I'm game. 

After my balls were flatter than Kyrie's idea of Earth, it was time to execute my winning fight strategy. Big Kimo's legs are thicker than my entire torso, so my only hope was to go full cross country runner on this man, and bring him to the point of exhaustion by dancing around the ring. That's when I'd strike, knocking him out of the dohyō, and watching him fall like a red wood. Obviously that strategy went nowhere. This man effortlessly shoved me out of the ring with one hand whenever he decided he was done with my bullshit. 

I felt much better when Billy Football got in the ring and couldn't even budge the sumo wrestler. I'm sure it all has to do with speed,  but I wonder why more sumos aren't guards on the offensive line? Defensive Ends would probably swim move around these guys, but no way in hell they are going through them. Big Kimo has 30 pounds on Vince Wilfork. 

At least I was great at showing respect before the fight. Look how deep I get in that squat. Bad bitches can't get that low in the club. This whole song and dance we did is to show the ref (the gyōji) that you aren't hiding any weapons, which even if I had a blade hidden on me, I'd still get snapped in half if Big Kimo went at me with everything he had. 

While exerting almost zero effort in the ring at the office, I was impressed with their strength. So my mind was blown watching them try in an actual match. It's like witnessing a car crash when these fighters collide into each other. The only down side to watching a match in person is the smell of body odor. Holy shit did it smell like barnyard animals being rolled out at the state fair. Which might be part of the strategy? Our best wrestler in high school never wore deodorant because he said it gave you an edge on your opponent. No one wants to get pinned by a smelly guy. 

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The smell was at times was a downer, but the highlight was this fighter from New Jersey who looked like Frank's long lost brother. Some people have said he looks a bit like Chaps, but if you could see this man's facial expressions, he had the same mannerisms as Frank. If only this man started chewing on his hat and yelling about the Mets, I would have known for a fact that raw dogging is hobby that has been in the Tank family for generations. 

If you get a chance to watch a sumo event aka the Biggest Show On Earth, check them out. They'll be at Madison Square Garden in a few weeks. Until then, watch the full episode of the Twisted History of Sumo below and listen to the Twisted History Podcast.