Apparently, Frank The Tank Does More Than Just Walk

I was offered a couple of sumo wrestlers to interview the other day in conjunction with a series of live events that the International Sumo League is hosting in the Tri-State area over the next few months. I jumped at the opportunity because I’ve always admired the sport of sumo (from afar) for three reasons…

1) I admire their practice of not only having women prohibited from competing in professional matches, but they (broads) are also not allowed to even attend sumo ceremonies because they are impure due to menstrual blood… 

I’ve been pushing for YEARS to have similar restrictions banning filthy women in sports bars and bowling alleys.

2) They feel similarly about short people… Our society tries to legitimize carnies who are vertically challenged by referring to them as “short kings,” but we all know that’s bullshit.  

Short guys belong on quests for magic rings, not on quests for Super Bowl rings, but we’re not allowed to express that out loud.  

In traditional Japanese sumo, however, they cut through those pleasantries and require men must be at least 5 feet 7 inches tall to compete. And 5’7” is not as easy as it sounds for Japanese people… As a result, would-be wrestlers like Takeji Harada have had silicone implants surgically installed in their scalps. 

I first wrote about it here…

Harada, who was just 16 at the time, added about six inches to his height, boosting him from 5 feet 2 inches to 5 feet 8 inches - thus making him eligible to become a sumo wrestler.

In response, Japan's Sumo Association banned the procedure for health reasons.

The third and final reason I always admired sumo is as follows… Being a fat guy, I’ve always had respect for an athlete whose diet consists of about 10,000 calories a day resulting in a weight that puts a sumo fighter’s life expectancy at nearly 20 years shorter than that of the average Japanese male.

Some call that sloth… I call it dedication. 

And besides our priorities being seemingly in line, I also jumped at having Sumo visit HQ thinking they would send me some 600-pound Japanese monsters wearing kimonos and sporting those weird topknot haircuts.

Bernard Bisson. Getty Images.

Instead, I was sent a couple of Egyptian guys who were a LOT closer to me, both in weight and haircut, so I was skeptical.  

However, these guys were fucking wonderful to speak to and the event I attended later that week was unlike anything else I have been to, so I threw it into a mini-episode of Twisted History.  

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The guy on the far right, in particular, was special because, on top of being a very accomplished "fighter" (sumo fighters prefer NOT to be referred to as "wrestlers"), he has an extremely apropos nickname… He's a champion sumo fighter from Egypt known as "Osunaarashi" or "The Great Sandstorm." 

When he was in the office, I had him throw around Billy Football because that kid needs to be knocked down a couple of pegs, and I am not strong enough to do it myself.

The other guy is named Kamal “Big Kimo” Basira… Even though it is not spelled the same way as chemotherapy, I am not crazy about this nickname because it inadvertently reminds me of the cancer treatment, but I still had him throw around Vibbs.

But that’s not why I am writing this blog. 

I was ringside for the ISL’s last event in Jersey City and was thoroughly enjoying myself before I witnessed something truly enlightening. 

It is no secret that Barstool’s beloved Frank the Tank has been on a health kick these past few months, and the results have been startling. Well, apparently, with his newfound physique, old Frankie has found some newfound confidence and is competing in the International Sumo League under the name “Nama no inu” which translates to “Raw Dog.”

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SPOILER ALERT: Frank the Tank (aka- Nama no inu) is terrible at sumo. If you attend one of the ISL’s live events (and I highly recommend you do), you’ll see that the competition is top-heavy in every sense of the word. So newbies like Frank get washed out of the bracket-formula competitions pretty quickly. 

Still, seeing my good friend Frank in the “doyho” giving it his all was encouraging to see, and should serve as an inspiration to everyone… As long as they are over 5’7” tall and male, of course. 

So, with football season firmly in the rearview, perhaps you can satisfy your urge to watch near-naked grown men dry hump each at the blockbuster debut of World Championship Sumo on Sunday, February 18 from Prudential Center in Newark, N.J. 

It's worth the trip, and tickets to cheer Frank on are available on the GAMETIME app. 

Hōkoku-sho o toru. 

-Large