I Have Procured The Funniest Football Card Collection On Earth To Pair With My Funny Baseball Card Collection

If this is the first time you're seeing a show and tell of my collection of photographs of sweaty men in tights on little pieces of cardboard you owe it to yourself to check out my funny baseball card collection volume 1 and funny baseball card collection volume 2. 

Today I bring myself out of the closet my funny football card collection to celebrate football finally returning to hold us hostage from our family and and friends for the rest of the year once again. 

This is gonna be a fun ride. Go ahead and post up. 

I was in the market for a Dick Post so I bought one online only to have it take forever for the seller to put postage on my Post. What a Dick. I wasn't willing to wait any longer, so I went ahead and bought another before the first of two Dick Posts finally arrived in my box.

Now I have two Dick Posts. Guess this is my Stanley buying two toasters moment. But it does feel good to have a spare Dick Post in case of emergency. Just not as good as a 

I actually need to come clean here. What I mean by that is… to tell the truth. I don't actually have a Dick Felt. I've never had a Dick Felt. Sad, but true. This is just a picture of one I grabbed online. Right now the going rate is about $60 to get your own Dick Felt. That's a lot of money. Must be why people in politics complain about inflation prices. 

OK - obviously we're being silly and juvenile with some names here, but names can teach us a little bit about history. Surnames originated long ago from occupations people held from wherever they were from. That's why "Miller's", or "Smiths" are so common. Every town needed one of those. But I'll fully admit I wasn't at all aware of this career path:

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Ever wonder why the Pittsburgh Steelers of the 1970s were called the "Steel Curtain"? It had nothing to do with their defense. It was an actual curtain they put up during games so their official team Dick Shiner could go about his profession with… well I guess dignity isn't quite the right word. Anyway I'm not here to job shame. I'm sure he was a fine quarterback that could go top off in the redzone with the best of em.

I don't know about you but that's enough Dick talk for one blog. Let's pivot to something else. 

They don't put coaches on cards anymore. That's a shame. But at least we have this Rod Rust. Rust spent several years as a DC before getting a chance as Head Coach for the Patriots going 1-15 and never coaching again. He was clearly too old to shake the Rust off at that stage of his career. Maybe things would have gone better back in the 70s when he was still Rod Iron. 

Speaking of the 70s, the 1973 Topps set provided riddles to be pieced together with cards that reveal the complex nuances of man's philosophical perspective on life writ large.

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So true. That's fortune cookie material right there. And don't think for a second we're not going to fan fiction a couple radio play calls from 1973 that plausibly could have happened:

"Here comes the opening kickoff now as it appears we have the visiting Fair Hooker ready to receive a hard liner from a Happy Feller"

"Costly mistake by Shiner. We've said it before - If you turn it over, a Fair Hooker will make you pay for it everytime"

We're not done with 1973 Topps just yet. Meet Fat Randy Bullock's childhood hero:

My only other take on this card is that I had no idea Brian Windhorst played football. How the NFL survived through the 70s is a flat out mystery based on the cards we've seen so far. I mean just look at Tim Foley. The card says he plays cornerback but his body language says he's never played a sport in his life and his mom probably even wrote a note to school demanding he be excused from gym class to save the embarrassment. 

Is he catching the ball underhand? Getting ready to drop the ball for a punt?? If so this is the most uncoordinated punt attempt possible even for someone who was excused from participating in gym. It just doesn't make sense. Nothing about this card makes sense.

That's all the 1973 Topps I can handle. Let's rewind the clock a little bit to 1971 and see if they knew how to at least pose as football players.

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That was a bad idea. This looks nothing like a football card photo should look. Batman villain? Sure. Photograph a cop shows witnesses in search of a pedophile? Sure. But definitely not faces that would play a part in growing a billion dollar industry. The only thing more disturbing that Jack's pose is the creepy cartoon football player who appears to have taken his eyes off the ball he's about to catch to stare right up at Jack's rear end.

Let's move on.

Fast forward to the late 70s/early 80s. Have we figured out how to look badass yet NFL?

We have not. I have a real question: Is Tom Banks using an oven mitt to hold his oxygen mask? 

Luckily Walter Payton is here to save us. This might be one of the more badass cards of the 80s and I have the (I'm assuming) 1 of 1 miscut version that makes it appear Sweetness is diving forward to avoid getting cut in half by the wildly intoxicated card cutting machine more than going for a goal line score.

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Lost his feet by the card cutter but he'll shake it off. Let's scope into the 90s now. 

If Harry Colon's mom or dad aren't gastroenterologists then I have no explanation for this. As for the Kozerski - this is about as 90s as it gets. The Rams defensive tackles dialed up the Night at the Roxbury dance stunt that if attempted in the club today is an act that would immediately be filed as a misdemeanor. I'm not sure what's going on here either. Was this a field goal attempt? And what are those two doing up there? Making out? Why isn't Bruce at least using his hands to block either defender? Wait a minute. Where is his left hand exactly?

Is that you Dick Shiner?

- @Jeffro