I Can No Longer Defend Dan Snyder After Learning He Made People Attend A 5:00 AM Meeting On A Monday Morning
Nothing good has ever happened in a 5 AM meeting thats a fact. If you get called into one your either getting fired, or your not getting fired but your still awake at 5 AM which is almost worse. This is either a) a class act move by the Redskins showing there so committed to winning football games and doing it the right way that they’re in the office before the sun comes up to get started preparing for the Miami Dolphins, or b) Bruce and Dan havent gone to sleep yet after staying up all night slamming scotch and blowing lines but its impossble to say which is more likely.
At this point we can only go off what we know to be true- and thats the fact that Dan Snyder hasnt gotten the job done. Looking back over his tenure as owner we can see that hes consistently tried to do his best as the owner, letting the football guys make football decisions. Snyder has publicaly said that he will officially no longer be involving himself in the on-field operations starting now in 2002, 2003, 2006, 2008, 2009, 2011, 2013, 2016, and also in 2018.
This is good decision making in theory by Snyder, but the results’ speak for themselves. Now hes on the cusp of another make or break coaching hire where he’ll have to choose between a splashy college coach, whoever Joe Gibbs recommends, or whoever his offensive coordnator happens to be when everyone else turns him down. There has been a list of desired coaches circulating featuring names like Mike Tomlin, Eric Bienemy of the Chiefs, Todd Bowles, and Byron Leftwich, but every list is a short list for Snyder whod kill to be 5-11 on the field or measuring his height on a door frame.
Theres only one answer to this and thats Dan Snyder himself. The man has consistently said over the last 15 years that he has learned to distance himself from football operatons and where has that gotten us? Nowhere. It dosen’t take a brainiac to figure out that maybe its time for Dan to take the reigns and insert himself into every aspect of personell and gameplanning. I’m not saying he should be on the sidelines coaching but maybe up in a hospital bed like Hugh Freeze with a Crown Royal IV drip and a unplugged xbox controller so he thinks he’s playing madden.
Its clear that Dan Snyder has been a coward by steadfastly removing himself from all football decisons, whether its declining to dictate what to order RG3s dad for lunch while there deciding which plays Mike Shanahan should be permitted to run, or his resolution to leak the videos of Jay Gruden smoking drugs under the condition that there not to be displayed on the jumbotrons while the offense is on the field. It hasnt worked and it wont work. Period!
The most important part of any owner/GM/coach relatonship is knowing exactly when to undermine them most effectively, and Dan has been practicing his entire life for that role. He fits the bill for a new hire too- Snyder has a connection with Sean McVay- hiring him as a offensive assisstant before the NFL even knew that having a coach that can score alot of points would be a trend. Dan should give himself credit for being a vissionary instead of laying on his back and letting someone else do all the work like a missionary.
Listen Dan, your a busines man theoretically. I’ve eaten at a restaurant that use to be a Johnny Rockets. I enjoyed a trip to six flags before it went into bankruptcy. I know you appreciate the value of a dollar. First step- lets get some money in your pocket- you know those obstructed view seats at Fedex field? You should be charging double for those. People would pay them. There would be a season ticket waiting list a mile long for people to get the authentic gameday experrience without having to watch. Theres so much comptition for your entertainment dollar in DC with the concerts, the arts, etc. Heck even if I’m the President Id rather not watch your offense sputter from the upper deck when theres a more enjoyable playgoing experence from the balcony at Ford theater.
Its also fair to ask the question if Jay Gruden was fired for showing support to the Hong Kong protestors. The NFL, and specially Washington DCs franchise knows better then to publically support a controlled area in there fight for autonomy or representation in a world powers governing body. Its not like China is doing something flagrantly antithetical to the values of Washington democracy like not giving them representation in the nations largest lawmaking body. If this was the case then I understand the move.
The search is allready off to a rocky start with Dan waiting patiently in the wings to be told by Bruce Allen who should lead his team. It is a travesty plain and simple that in their search for the next head coach, the Skins overlooked Jim Tomsula- a coach with the visual flair of Ron Jeremy, and Rob Ryan, a coach with the spiritual essence of Ron Jeremy. Now I love Bill Callahan and his approach of “quit getting cute with it” and running a email fwd version of a Jon Fox playbook, but if he dosen’t get the job done against the well rested Miami Dolphins its time to shake things up. Or converseley you could implement a offense using all three QBs on the field at the same time so the defense dosent know whether to defend against a fumble, a interception, or a catastrophic leg injury.
Dan Snyder is in a rarefied type of category- he’s rich enough and egotistical enough, and frankly easy enough to be talked into terrble ideas, to actually pull off faking his own death. Dan go to your own funeral dressed up as Dan Snyders long lost twin brother that he never mentioned and see what evryone says about you.This is the ghost equivlant to name searching yourself on twitter. I think youd be suprised in a ghost of christmas future type way given your tiny tim type support for your QBs legs over the last 7 years. All your friends will be lamenting the fact that you sat back and watched the team you loved so much get screwed up by forces completeley out of your control.
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OR, Bruce Allen if your reading this:
Just say fuck it, do nothing, and try to throw $300 million at Patrick Mahomes in 3 years and when he says no you can allways say you had a plan.
Private First Class Swag Kellys weekly letter home:
Worrrrrrd
Cans Ass City Cans Ass City lmao. night games are the tits. I got to fly on the team plane afterwards cuz the TSA fucked u and let me off the no fly list i asked the pilot if i could see the cockpit so i could show him my gun but he was tripping. I love kansas city i got to catch up with my spirit animal travis kelce hes like me if i took better steroids. we got a bye week coming up but i dont swing that way lol. I mean ive screwed myself enough times to know i perfer chicks lmao. they got me running scout team so basicaly my job is to try and immitate our next opponents QB so for the texans ihave to actualy learn what coverages are and eplain them in detail to our reports it sucks.
dont let me catch ya slippin,
Swag
Ten Things I Know I Know
1. Ben Rothlisberger was fined 5,000 dollars for wearing a unauthorized watch on the sidelines of last monday nights game. He said his wife dressed him which I totaly believe because he’s defnitely not able to lock his chastity belt with one arm in a sling. Plus, Who can blame him for having his wrist feel a little empty after Antonio Brown made him remove there friendship bracelet. Even the President chimed in:
2. If the Cowboys want a real homefield advantage they need to get W out of the owners box and onto the sidelines where he and Rick Perry can reprise there roles as cheerleaders. Get Jeb involved holding a giant “please clap” sign even. They call it AT&T stadium because the coverage isnt that good and Dak has trouble finding any receptions I guess.
Jason Garrett is absoluteley adorable when gets mad or to use a Mike Florio analogy its like the epsode of Seinfeld where Jerry pretends to get angry for his girlfriend. If Im Jason Garret I start to pick the officials to get angry at by going after a bald ref whose already thrown his flag, daring him to take his hat off and expose the world to his head- instead it was a battle of flags and the Cowboys waved the white one.
3. I like the refs giving Minshew like 9 attemps to throw a game winning pass from midfield at the end of the Panthers Jaguars game. I can just imagine Minshew saying the rosary with a set of Ben Wah Balls before each Hail Mary. Somethings that Gardner Minshew made me feel like this week:
-feeding alka seltzer to grackles then pointing finger guns at em when they try to fly away
-getting kicked out of elementary school music class for playing the intro to aww naww by nappy roots on the recorder
-using two snakes as drumsticks to play the buildup to “in the air tonite”
4. I’d like to weigh in on the international dispute between the NBA and the Government of the Peoples republic of China If I may. There should be alot of common ground between the two sides. For example, over the last 10 years China has imported more cement from 2011-present day than the US used in the past 170 years. Likewise between the months of April and June, Darryl Morey has constructed his own franchise using a equivilant amount of bricks. People forget the NBA put in the draft lottery to combat tanking after the Tianamen Square protests.
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5. Big week for Phoenix as the Joker domnated the box office, and the Cardinals went from being a incel team that just coudnt score to putting on a award winning performence in Cincinatti.
Genesis Halftime Show:
Time for the Genesis Halftime Show presented by…
Pardon My Take. This weeks sponsor is Pardon My Take. On todays epsode we have special guests Big Cat and Hank from Barstool Sports’ Pardon My Take podcast recapping the entire NFL weekend. Listen to it now, wherever podcasts are sold. And now back to the column:
6. Rick Reilly took a break from plagerizing himself to plagerize the person he hopes to turn into one day by copying David Brooks from the NYT imagnary conversation with a Trump voter, but instead this time was a imaginary conversation with a new Sports Illustrated writer who took the place of older more accoplished journalists after last weeks gutting of the magazine. Heres a sample, but if your concerned that it was not as Reilly-esque as you had hoped, fear not-
RR: SI was part of the fabric woven through American sports fans. They’d read it cover to cover.
Milleneal (bad)“On their phones?”
RR: On their couches.
Milleneal (bad):“So how much time would it would take to put out all this stuff?”
RR:Fastest turnaround was four days.
“Milleneal (bad):What?! Four days? That’s so whack! Here at ClickCrazy.com, we’d have 20 stories about that game by then.”
RR:And do people remember those stories years later? Do they save them in boxes? Do people come up to the ClickCrazy.com writers 10 years later and tell them how their stories moved them to tears?
Milleneal (bad):“No. But sometimes we get a funny comment at the bottom.”
RR:Oh. Cool.
Milleneal (bad):“So what happened to this Sports Illustrated thing?”
RR:The internet. Apple. ESPN. People forgot how to savor. After a while, young people only knew us for the swimsuit issue.
Milleneal (bad):“Oh, yeah! We just bought that! We’re gonna slap that on our new ads. It’s gonna say: ClickCrazy and the SI Swimsuit Issue: The Perfect Pair!
RR:And both have hardly any material, right?
Milleneal (bad):“Oooh. Can I use that?”
The ending of this is simply a masterpiece of human centepedia, as Rick Reilly gives a hypothetical milleneal a joke that they can steal from a fake converstaion between Rick Reilly and his imaginary writer that dosen’t understand how talented and creative of a writer Rick Reilly is.
7. He didnt cut him so much as he said Let my people go:
8. Is it me or did I hear Patrick Mahomes calling “Helen Keller” as a audible in last nights loss to the Colts. Im not saying I approve of cancel culture but if theres one way to ensure youll be on the receiving end of several questionable holding penatlys its by insulting the referees.
9. Jon Gruden, who lost his virginty to the sound of his own brain playing the Notre Dame fight song, is flying home from England feeling the best hes ever felt about football. Depsite the fact that his Carr was driving on the wrong side of the field for most of the game, the offense was able to take over the hotspurs house like Eva Longoria without a prenup.
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10. THIS WEEK IN FULLBACKS
We had the absolute frontrunner for fullback assisst of the year as Alec Ingold did his best impresson of a kamikaze pilot clearing the way for Josh Jacobs:
Here are your updated Fullback assist stats for the league year 2019:
1. Kyle Juskczhckzyk- 4*- plays on Monday night. A fun stat with fullbacks is the fewer vowels your last name has
2. Alec Ingold- 3
2. (tie) Patrick Ricard, Patrick DiMarco, Pharoah Brown (2 each)
5. (tie) Darren Bates, Dallas Goedert, Tyson Alualu the fulback so nice they name him twice, MyCole Pruitt, Alex Ellis, Nick Bawden, CJ Ham, Danny Vitale, Zach Line, Elijaah Penny, Jamize Olawe (1 each)
Aaron Rodgers/Matt LaFleur Relationship Thermomemer:
We will be keeping track of the looming impolosion between the mercurial signal-caller and his first year head coach using the latest in scientific advancements- memes.
Is Aaron Rogers secretly mad that he didnt throw for any touchdowns in a nationally televised game? I think he defnitely is, but the media has done a very poor job of pestering him until he admits it. Maybe we can get cooking with a narrative that says LaFleur dosent trust Aaron to throw the ball in the redzone anymore after last week verse the Eagles.
This weeks rating: Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper