Stool Scenes Episode 34 - HEARTLAND EDITION

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Going to Indy was VERY fun. Its like going to visit your cousins that you’ve seen in Christmas pictures on the fridge. I was sitting in the empty office on Monday and we were all talking about how much better served Stool Scenes would be from Indy for the next few days while Dave and half the office was gone. Next thing you know #TeamPortnoy activated and I was on the next flight to Indianapolis.

The Heartland boys are extremely genuine dudes and welcomed us in like the extended family that we are. But you don’t need me to sit here and suck them off for any longer. I knew about Tactical Digs, I knew about Nick, but here is some more information I didn’t know about Pat McAfee’s growing gongshow in the Midwest.

Shaun Latham aka Chef / 20 Dollar Chef

This dude toured around the country doing standup since 2003 and is a “credited comedian” on Comedy Central. He also is notable for making Riggs’ lazy eye look like complete amateur hour. The first time I spoke to him, I was walking down the stairs of their office and he turned around from the #20DollarChef kitchen and said “Whats up”… I swear I didnt speak for 3 whole seconds because I thought he was talking to Dave who was sitting 30 feet to my left UPSTAIRS.

Jeff Vibbert aka Vibbs/Phipps

Pretty insane that Pat had the budget to hire Rachel Maddow! Vibbs is 27 years old. That is a true statement. Pat came up with a very apt description of our control room for the week, consisting of Frankie and Vibbs, – The Pedophile’s Dream. This dude is basically a little more feminine looking Mclovin only he’s actually older than the infamous Hawaiian ID. I was told the former cross country superstar is known for walking around the office bragging about how frequent the sexual relations he’s having are, which was confirmed while we were there. The only caveat was the girl he left the bar with was his EXACT TWIN. But other than banging his potential sister he’s a pretty nice guy.

Todd McComas

Todd is exactly like Vibbs, only he’s a ex-policeman who could smack you in the face and make you feel bad for making him do it… so actually nothing like Vibbs. Todd looks like the dude who shows up to the high school banger at Jessica’s house only to find out Vibbs isn’t actually “Alex’s friend from soccer” and really a 27 year old dude and takes him away in handcuffs.

Pat McAfee

This dude is like One Direction in Indianapolis. Being outside of a building with him for 5 minutes makes you realize why Barstool Indy started in the first place. I would not be surprised if Pat was Governor of Indiana within 15 years. He also may be wasting his time in the wrong profession, and I’m not talking about punting footballs. I’m talking about Cornhole. Pat went maybe 47-0 during the time I was there. Dispatching any and every brown haired white guy that walked through that office (which is a SHITLOAD) and also Zah. I tried to think of something to make fun of Pat for, but its not an easy task… maybe that he gave up millions of dollars to punt footballs, only to make millions of dollars making people laugh and playing cornhole all day? No? Ok yeah I got nothing.

I am a scrub and nobody has to listen to me but here are my takeaways or predictions for the future.
-They need more freaks! No one in that office is 1/100th as weird as Nate. Now while this probably makes for a much more enjoyable work environment, it makes it harder to have weird ass storylines to materialize out of thin air. You may have to move the 3pt line in from NBA range to install the padded room but I don’t care… give me more FREAKSHOWS.

-They need more HATE. This is once again from an unbiased party. I’m not saying this because my job becomes 100 times easier when people are screaming at each other, this is purely from a place of analysis. I don’t know if its because Indy is a trillion times more peaceful of a place than this RAT INFESTED SHITHOLE but the office was too comfortable, happy, and non-controversial. Who would ever enjoy something like that. So I’m not sure how to suggest this, but there’s a reason people getting steamrolled by disgruntled bloggers puts asses in the seats.