I Went to a Bachelor Party on a Public Bus in China

NOTE: READ THE BLOG FIRST. DON’T WATCH THE VIDEO UNTIL I TELL YOU TO.

One of my buddies out in China moved back to the states last year but returned to Shanghai in April for his friend’s bachelor party. He invited me to the party but I was hesitant to go at first because even though I had met the bachelor a couple times, we were more acquaintances than friends. However, my buddy insisted I should come because:

A. My “celebrity” status would be appreciated and
B. I could document the experience for content purposes.

Now I don’t know what type of psychopath would want his bachelor party documented on Barstool Sports but my buddy assured me it would be ok.

I still wasn’t positive I was going to go but what finally tipped the scales was finding out that he was getting a double decker bus for the night. In Shanghai, if you get around thirty friends to each toss in $30 you can rent a double decker bus for 4 hours and still have enough money left over to fill the thing with loads of adult beverages. Some of my best memories from this city have been from double decker bus parties. The driver could care less what happens on the bus as long as he gets paid at the end of the night so the top deck always ends up turning into an outrageously fun shit show. We’ve had kegs up there, sound systems, DJs, breakdancers, etc. When I left China for a couple years I threw one as my going away party  which I documented in a video but SPOILER ALERT: I’m not wearing shades in it so don’t watch if you don’t want to ruin the mystique. Here’s a one minute instagram clip  that attempts to capture the atmosphere of these things.

Anyways, once I heard they were getting a double decker bus I was 100% in. However, as soon as I showed up at the pick-up point I started getting vibes that tonight would not go as expected. First off, upon saying whats up to the bachelor he gave me a look that screamed “Umm, were you invited?” and when he saw I had my GoPro immediately vetoed the idea of filming anything. Apparently my buddy had grossly overestimated my “celebrity” and had run absolutely none of this by the bachelor. Whatever, I was still looking forward to a fun night and started to give my buddy some tips on which route he should tell the bus driver to take. This was when he hits me with:

“What do you mean? I have no say what route the bus driver takes. We are just hopping on one of those public double decker busses…”

EXCUSE ME? We are hopping on a public bus filled with Chinese civilians and plan on throwing a bachelor party on it? This is where I should probably mention my friend had also rented a Russian stripper and a local midget for the festivities. If you’re wondering if Chinese midgets are particularly small, I can confirm that they are. This guy was so tiny If Zah saw him walking down the street he would exclaim “Whoa look a midget!!” only to be informed that the preferred nomenclature is “very little person” or “oriental dwarf.” Anyways I don’t judge people based on size so no need to harp on his height, I’m just trying to set the scene: 12 American dudes, a Russian adult dancer, and a particularly little Chinese person wearing a tuxedo, all waiting at a bus stop with a cooler of booze. I said to my friend

“Are you serious with this? I don’t think you’ve thought this through?”

Now I’m not known for using sound judgement in China, in fact I’m known for the exact opposite. So you know when I question your decision making skills you may be pushing the envelope too far. My friend replied:

“relax dude, there’s no rules in China”

I’ll freely admit, there was a time when I actually believed that myself, at least for expats. Back in 2010 it seemed like the Chinese authorities would let foreigners do whatever they want as long as they weren’t:

1. getting into fights with Chinese people
2. Selling Chinese people drugs.

However, it’s 2018, and while you can still drink in public, Shanghai isn’t an adult Disneyland for wandering white folks anymore. In fact, Shanghai has it’s own Disneyland these days and you better not even think about cranking a hoon while in line for Winnie the Pooh’s Honey Pot spin. Not to mention the USA is on the brink of a trade war with China and I can feel the general public’s attitude towards Americans starting to sour ever so slightly. Gao Ayi’s sister asked me the other day “Why is USA bullying China” and I had to tell her I work for Barstool SPORTS not Barstool POLITICS, find a new slant.

Despite my apprehension, there was no way I was going to miss a front row seat to the absurdity that was about to follow, I needed to see how this would all go down. I needed to see if China was still the one country in the world where outrageous moves like this were still possible to pull off.

Short answer is yes, yes it is.

We boarded the bus and my friend explained to everyone in mandarin that we’d be having a little celebration in the back of the bus for his friend who was getting married soon and that if anyone had any questions, comments, or concerns they should feel free to approach him. Most of the passengers began making their way to the front of the bus but one brave Chinese fella decided stay and crush a few drinks with us.

I spent the first 20 minutes of the bus ride cranking hoons with our resident little guy.

He informed me that hard alcohol would most likely kill him on the spot but he could take small sips of beer.

After a few drinks I started to relax and enjoy myself. Maybe this public bus bachelor party wouldn’t result in me getting deported. However, then the Russian exotic dancer was given the green light to start breaking out some moves. The bus was mainly filled with Chinese tourists trying to get a scenic tour of the city and oh boy, things sure got scenic. Not NSFW levels of scenic, but still pretty scenic.

(WATCH THE VIDEO NOW)

If you’ve seen my videos you know that it takes a lot to make me feel uncomfortable, but hand up, I felt awkward as fuck on that bus. Not because I don’t appreciate seductive dance moves, but because there was a 5 year old girl sitting next to me.

Fortunately, Chinese children are so disciplined they know when to go into ear muffs mode without their parents even having to tell them.

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Unfortunately, the ear muffs method doesn’t help you unsee things

By the way, did you see her T-shirt?

Nothing says Boston like a football helmet in Celtics colors with a knock-off Bruins logo on it. Represent!

 Let’s breakdown a few more screen shots from this video.

Little Girl in the bottom left corner:

“All the horrible things my parents told me about white people are true. THEY ARE ALL TRUE!”

Dude with the shades:

“See, I told you China doesn’t have rules”

Me:

“I have nothing to do with these shenanigans. I’m just trying to get home from work and happened to board a bus filled with expats who aren’t as culturally sensitive as me. Don’t group us together based on our skin color because that is RACIST.”

Russian stripper:

“Why does Donnie keep referring to me as a Russian striper, I’m actually from Ukraine.”

This dude:

“Why have the Gods #blessed me so?”

This lady:

“Why have the Gods #cursed me so?”

This Grandma:

“I’ve never seen white people this up close before. This is fascinating”

At the end of the day though, the cops were never called and neither the bus driver nor the other passengers ever asked us to get off the bus( or even quiet down). I did feel pretty guilty for the children and elderly folks who will have a hard time processing what they just witnessed but other than that I guess you could call it a success? Definitely don’t try this if for some strange reason you decide to have your bachelor party in China though. Despite what my friend has, this place does in fact have rules.