NFL Scouts Anonymously Dumping on Draft Picks SZN is Here
In the same way that for a woman in a committed relationship the sex isn’t over until she hears “I love you,” the NFL Draft isn’t over until I get to read anonymous scouts getting all pissy about all the prospects their teams didn’t draft. When we get to go from hearing about players’ upsides, their measurables and intangibles and which pro they compare to and get to hear what dickheads they are, how they never should’ve been taken where they were and don’t be surprised if we find out they were behind the poison gas attack in Syria.
Well a week out from the draft, that SZN is upon us. Credit to ESPN’s Mike Sando for cobbling together a group of disgruntled, bomb-tossing NFL personnel guys to to provide more cattiness than you’ll find in the cafeteria of the Beverly Hills Academy for Rich, Skinny White Girls. And to hear them tell it, this class was the worst collection of quarterbacks assembled since the XFL. Just a Suicide Squad of shitty, douchey passers. Here are just a few of my favorite lines:
On Josh Rosen: “Everybody recognizes the talent with Rosen, but he is not the top guy in the draft because nobody likes him.”
On how Cardinals QB coach Byron Leftwich can reach Rosen, with a bonus Mighty Ducks reference: “Byron will be good for the kid if Rosen allows it. Byron in about a week will probably want to take a poke at him. He’s from fucking D.C., and he ain’t having a cake eater walk in and act like an asshole.”
More on Rosen: “We will take Rosen, whose teammates dislike him and who makes a fool of himself on TV, but there were only a few teams that would have taken [Lamar] Jackson, even though he could be the best quarterback in this draft.”
Nice words about Josh Allen turn into a slap at Baker Mayfield: “It’s a cold-weather quarterback who is big and strong, not frail and little, in a cold-weather city where it’s windy. You are going to have to throw it through the wind and he can do those things. Good job for that. He is aw-shucks, likes football, makes his team visits with sweats and tennis shoes — perfect for Buffalo. They don’t need Baker Mayfield in fucking designer clothes, OK? They need Jim Kelly.”
On Mayfield going to Cleveland at No. 1: “No fucking way. I came to grips with it the night before, but I didn’t fully come to grips with it until the card was turned in, and I was like, ‘My God, what is going on here?’ … It’s like the biggest gift [the Jets] have ever received.”
Ah, there you go. God help me I love these little unknown, nameless guys. They are to football the Dwarves are to Middle Earth, operating underground, cut off from the world, speaking their own language with customs no one else understands. And just perpetually angry and protective of their own realm. So now finally the 2018 draft is over and we can start looking forward to finding out who they’re dead wrong about this time. It’s happened before:
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