Handing Out The Awards For Avengers: Infinity War

Clem4/30/2018 6:18 PM

First things first…

***SPOILERS***

Myself, like a kabillion other people, saw Avengers: Infinity War this weekend. And I loved it. It not only matched but surpassed the considerable hype of the last few months and days. I thought there was a chance the movie would lose its way with so many characters in it, but the Russo brothers made it a strength of the movie.

Usually when I see something I love this much, I will talk about it excessively on Twitter. But as a parent that barely has time to get out of the house, I will respect at least a 1 week spoiler free zone for the people that were unable to see the movie this weekend.

Robbie and I, as well as a bunch of other Barstool personalities will be discussing Infinity War like we did for The Last Jedi (I think this one will be a lot more positive). But that won’t be recorded until tomorrow. So I figured I would take the extra Dunkin’ Go2 trophies laying around the office and give them to the best and worst from the best superhero movie ever (I have Dark Knight as best superhero film ever while this is best superhero movie ever. Is this my way of acting like a snooty movie critic in order to avoid picking between the two movies? You bet your sweet ass it is).

Also just to clarify, these awards are not sponsored by anybody. However my Venmo (@TheClemReport) is open for business for any company looking to sponsor these awards.

UPDATE: I just got a payment from Joe Scolley, so the awards are presented by him as well as anybody else that wants to Venmo me.

UPDATE 2: I turned down a second sponsor due to his beliefs.

I can’t allow the awards of such a great movie to be sullied by a sponsor that supports those type of heinous beliefs. A man’s got to have a code.

UPDATE 3: Now this is something I can get behind after watching that scene on Titan.

Now onto the Avengers: Infinity Awards Presented By Joe Scolley and Tim McNally…

Sixth Man Award: Ebony Maw (The Wizard Guy The Beat The Shit Out Of Doctor Strange)

It’s no secret Marvel has come up short with many of their villains, even though they appear to be getting better recently. Obviously I love the shit out of Thanos. But I found The Children of Thanos were uneven except for The Wizard. Him going blow for blow with Dr. Strange was fucking awesome and talking that shit was the that The Black Order did that I remember.

Comeback Player: Captain America

Cap is back! Just kidding. He doesn’t get an award for this movie. Captain America is clearly a system hero. The Cap without his shield is basically just a faceless grunt with a shit ton of #grit. I can’t remember one highlight he made in the entire movie. Meanwhile Bucky and Rocket Raccoon lit tits up with their tag team shooting. Sad to see the great ones falter in their old age.

Comeback Player: Red Skull

Captain America’s original rival gets the nod instead because seeing him show up out of the blue was awesome even though I didn’t really care about him in the original Cap movie. You couldn’t put a better dead character in that role than Red Skull.

Biggest Bust: The Incredible Hulk

That big green bitch got train run on him by Thanos in the beginning and hid the rest of the movie. Weeeeeeeak shittttttttt. As somebody that feels things below the belt whenever Hulk appears, I was disappointed by his bashfulness this movie. Then again, I’m sure Marvel saved a few million dollars in CGI keeping Bruce Banner on screen and there will be plenty of The Green Monster in Avengers 4 just like HBO saving their dragon budget for Season 8. But it still sucked not seeing Hulk on screen more, no matter how cool the Hulk Iron Man suit was.

Sexiest: Thor

Chris Hemsworth is such a dreamboat, no matter how short his hair is or how many eyeballs are in his head. He could make the Rickety Cricket character sexy. Not much more else to add here other than I loved him getting sassy with Star Lord while also having the best comedic chemistry with Rocket Raccoon and Groot. The Guardians of the Galaxy lowkey stole this movie.

The Groot Award: Teenage Groot

He is Groot. He is Groot. He is Groot.

Translation: He is Groot, he is funny, and he is selfless. Using his arm to make the handle of Thor’s axe was an underratedly awesome part of the movie.

Best Avengers Tweet Having Nothing To Do With The Avengers:

Incredible.

Don’t Take Care, Hope To See You Never: Hawkeye

Dude was in both of the previous Avengers movies but couldn’t crack the rotation in the biggest superhero movie ever. Tough break. I’m sure there’s a reason for this but I honestly forgot about Hawkeye until I rewatched the first Avengers two days later.

Best Cameo: Peter Dinklage

Putting #2 in the little person power rankings (according to this great blog by our expert in the field Zah) in your movie as a giant is subtly genius as fuck.

LOL WTF Award: DC Comics

If the last 5 years of Marvel and DC movies have put DC in a bodybag, Infinity War lit the bodybag on fire and through it into a wood chipper which then was blown up with an atomic bomb.

***Music Break***

I guess we have to have a musical guest in this award show. Pup Punk was booked, so here are The Spinners performing “Rubberband Man” since it has been in my head since The Guardians Of The Galaxy arrived on screen to it and I am not complaining one bit.

That was the only song in the movie outside of The Avengers theme. The musical director for this movie had a PER of 9999999 (bar over last nine).

Class Couple: Vision and Scarlet Witch

I have to admit that I didn’t know these two were together. I’ve missed like 4 Marvel movies that I plan on watching at 3 am while feeding my newborn son in the coming months. Bt I wanted to shout out to Vision for getting an awesome, beautiful woman like Scarlet Witch without having a dick. If killing me saved half of the universe, my wife would murder my ass in a cocaine heartbeat without even asking for a last kiss. Tough break for Vision having to die two brutal deaths in like 5 minutes.

Technological Breakthrough: Iron Spidey Suit

I wanted to put this award in just because I am so happy that Spiderman is actually moving in the right direction again and the ~~Evil Empire~~ Disney buying 20th Century Fox will only keep the character on that path.

Dave Gettleman Quote Machine Award: Drax

I love that big dumb asshole. Probably because I’m a big dumb asshole. But nonetheless, Drax always has a few quotes that make you crack up and this movie was no different.

Best Avengers Blogger: Clem

Robbie has covered this movie and all things comics + movies fantastically for a while now. And I’m sure KFC’s video about the movie did a zillion views.

But I’m the one that gives out these awards and I’m still pissed I didn’t get a Barstool Award. Am I really petty enough to make up an entire award blog just to give myself an award? You’re goddamn right I am.

Biggest Boner: Gamora

Didn’t see Gamora winning the Biggest Boner award did you? But her not realizing she could be the sacrificial lamb that could get Thanos the Soul Stone was ridiculous to see unfold. Granted I still haven’t seen Guardians 2 and realize she may have viewed her relationship with Thanos differently than he did. But still, her being thrown over the edge of that mountain was so obvious to me and everyone else in the theater. Huuuuuge boner by Gamora.

LVP: Star-Lord

Speaking of Guardians of the Galaxy boners, Star Lord completely screwed the pooch by foiling the plot to get his glove off on Titan all because Thanos killed his girlfriend, who also happens to be Thanos’ daughter. Scarlet Witch had to murder her own, albeit dickless, boyfriend. But Star-Lord throws a hissy fit because he just HEARD through his friend that his girlfriend dead.

First Chris Pratt teaches Robbie Fox that there is no such thing as true love then he is responsible for half of the universe’s population being wiped off of the map. What. A. Dick.

MVP: Thanos

An absolute no-brainer for the award. I don’t know if I love Thanos, hate him, or both. It takes a special kind of person to make mass genocide seem reasonable. I don’t usually like Marvel villains that operate in outer space because they don’t have any personality or soul. But I now understand why comic nerds were geeking out when Thanos was announced as the big baddie for this movie. Josh Brolin knocked this role out of the fucking park with a 150 MPH exit velo, which is a record since Clemcast started keeping track of such stats literally just now. And Thanos acting like he was on vacation after snapping away half the universe was as cool as it was badass. Love that dude.

Dr. Strange received some votes as well, but I imagine he will win it after Avengers 4.

Lifetime Achievement Award: Robin Sherbatsky

I have loved Robin Sherbatsky since the first moment I saw her on How I Met Your Mother. Seeing her die after sitting through an hour of credits ripped my soul apart more than seeing a teenage Spiderman beg his idol not to let die. RIP In Peace, Robin*

*Until everyone somehow inevitably comes back to life at some point in Avengers 4

Writer’s Note: I’ve only seen the movie once and am currently operating on an average of 3 hours of sleep per night over the last week so if there were any other awards that you think should be added, tweet them to me @TheClemReport and I’ll add the best ones here.