Does This Look Like The Face Of A Drunk Guy Who Stripped Naked And Punched Cars Then Told Police He'd Only Had One Beer?

Miami Herald- A naked Florida man in a Publix parking lot kicked trash cans and jumped on and punched cars while screaming “I only had one beer!” cops say. Indian River County sheriff’s deputies arrested Jonathan Boettcher, 46, and charged him with disorderly public intoxication. According to the arrest report, a deputy arrived at a Publix on U.S. 1 in Vero Beach Thursday night to find Boettcher swinging his arms and yelling while wearing no shirt and no underwear, but with basketball shorts around his ankles. The deputy said Boettcher was sweating uncontrollably as he yelled “I only had one beer!” and “I only wanted to smoke some pot.” One witness told the deputy she had seen Boettcher screaming and fussing before kicking over the cigarette disposal on a trash can. After that Bruce Lee moment, she said, he entered Publix and shouted, “You’re not the one!” A second witness said Boettcher had been near the post office north of Publix, stopping traffic and punching cars before stripping off his clothes.

Holy shit! Look at that guy’s hair! Look at it! Stare at it! That’s a field of hair. That’s 100 acres of rolling hair. That’s an elegant tidal wave of hair. Beautiful, beautiful hair. Which means everything we’ve ever known is a lie. I thought beautiful people never got arrested. I thought people with great physical attributes couldn’t get in trouble with the law. That’s what I always thought. And the cops threw the cuffs on that dude with the flow? Blasphemy. Nobody is safe. I don’t know much but I do know that hair like that shouldn’t ever be arrested. Hair like that is like having huge boobs. It doesn’t define you but it sure as fuck gives you a decent head start. And the hair has a little salt n pepper in it too? Mercy me. Do we have another hot felon on our hands? Maybe for the older demographic? I think we might.

Also, if he said he only had one beer, then I believe him. Funny how the article doesn’t say what beer he drank. That seems like a pretty important detail. Maybe he drank one of those fancy smancy hipster beers that has like 20.6% alcohol. Ever think of that? No you didn’t. You just jumped to conclusions on him. One of those beers could and would cause me to strip naked and start punching cars. If we’re not gonna give beautiful people the benefit of the doubt then who? Who, I ask? Nobody is above the law apparently. Not even people with fantastic hair.