Should I Adopt A Child?
Babies are a total chick magnet. It’s a well-known fact that women, upon seeing a newborn infant, are instantly reduced to babbling in tongues and finding themselves attracted to the father. Their mothering instincts kick in; they can’t help themselves. If they don’t have a baby of their own, they want to be part of the process with you–especially if you can deadlift 385 like I did yesterday on the road to #1000poundclub. Incredible feats of strength aside (let’s keep the lifting of weights out of this and save our strength for the lifting of my Chinese son), here is the hierarchy of hot fathers, according to women, according to me:
4. Divorced father
Divorced fathers tend to get a lot of sex because there are a ton of divorced mothers out there. Both sides find a sitter and it’s off to pound town in the back of a movie theater. These parents have a hard time getting any time away from their kids, so the 3-date rule becomes a 45-minute rule so long as there is a semblance of attraction. “You got kids? I got kids. Let’s hope they never meet. Nice pants! Let’s take those off.”
3. Married father
If you know women, you won’t be surprised that married fathers are more desirable than divorced fathers. Why would a woman want a man who is available? Why would God have given each woman two wrecking balls on her chest if not for the purpose of destroying homes? When she sees that wedding ring-hand clutching the bar of the baby stroller, Smiegel becomes Gollum quicker than you can download the hotels tonight app.
2. Widowed father
“Grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.” Of course, Chaz was referring to the widowed women, but it works both ways. As a man, if your wife passes away and you’re left to raise the children alone, you could be covered in herpes, with a tourniquet forever tied to your arm for a quick needle smackeroonie, and you’d still be fending them off like mosquitoes around a menstruating donut saleswoman. It’s sad, but it’s not wrong.
1. Single, adoptive father raising a child out of the goodness of his heart
Nobody even knew this was a category before this blog. Have you ever heard of a tall, handsome 28-year-old comedian, living the bachelor life in New York City, who only has to support himself financially (jk I have to pay for dinner dates like twice a week because women want equal pay until it’s time to pay equally), with no thought of getting married, adopting a CHILD? No. Nobody is that crazy. Or… brilliant? Let’s think about it: I hire a full-time nanny. Might seem expensive except I’ve got money saved from not having to share a checking account with a goddamn wife, remember? The nanny does most of the heavy lifting while I shit hits at work. At night, I relieve her of her duties–by now, the little guy is tuckered out and sleeping. So I drop him in the stroller and we hit the jogging path along the Hudson. Am I wearing a shirt? lol fuck no–see deadlifting regimen above. One by one, the ladies slow down and pull their headphones out as they catch a glimpse of my sleeping tractor beam.
“Oh my goodness! How old is he?”
“No idea. The adoption papers were in Chinese.”
And we’re off to the races. She’ll assume I’m gay at first, but I’ve overcome that many times. We plan a date and–here’s the best part–it has to be short because I can’t be away from my little dumpling for more than 2 hours. After a quick drink, we’re back in the sheets, gag balls in our mouths so as not to wake the baby. She can’t spend the night because I don’t want to confuse my son by having him wake up with a strange woman in the house. It’s efficient, ephemeral, and erotic.
In short, I’m in the market for a son. Preferably one from a smart tech country like China, Korea, India, etc. A lot of people will say that I should start with a dog before committing to a kid. To that I would say, when was the last time you saw Air Bud do anything useful around the house? Sure, he’s good from the free-throw line, but can he change my Wifi network name to something I can actually fucking remember? I’m sick of struggling to remember which version of AE89FS38SMWP-5G is ours. But with my little personal IT technician running around the house, we’d be living like Tony Stark.