It Is Official, Dogs Are Smarter And Better Than Cats. Science Has Confirmed It.

I don’t think anyone who’s ever come across a dog in their life really *needed* this scientific report, but it’s nice to have nonetheless. Just another example to point to in the never-ending dogs vs cats “debate,” whose scoreboard looks like a USA vs Ghana Olympic medal count.

As they said in the report, of course we knew that dogs are smarter than cats because they have the mental capacity to be trained to sniff drugs and bombs. They can be trained to sit, stand, roll over, even pretend they just got shot in a Western duel if you’ve got the time. Cats play with yarn and chase laser pointers. That sounds like comparing the curriculum of the advanced class to that of the special needs class, if you ask me.

Thank god dogs won this too, because it would have crushed them if they didn’t. Not only do dogs have the higher IQ but they’ve also got the higher EQ (fuck what DeNiro says in Meet the Parents. They’re not emotionally shallow. Come home sad and a dog knows you need cheering up so he’ll cuddle you, a cat won’t even come downstairs), so it would have been devastating for them to be told they’re dumb. Cats are the punk kid in class who knows he’s going nowhere and doesn’t give a shit, dogs strive to be great. Dogs want you to love them and be proud of them. They care deeply about “atta boys” and rewards, cats just want you to die alone so they can eat you.

So congrats to all my dogs, you guys did it and we’re so proud of you! Now get over here so I can rub your belly.