PSA: Don't Attempt To Carjack Multiple Football Players After Practice With A Fake Gun If You Enjoy Your Face Intact

NM – Police arrested a suspected carjacker in Albuquerque who got a bloody beatdown during an apparent attempt to rob three football players fresh from practice. Angelo Drew Martinez, 20, asked for a ride from the players around the Loma Linda Community Center football field the night of August 11, then pulled a gun on them and tried to carjack them, police said. At the field, Martinez was “acting sketchy as if he was trying to get in,” said one of the players. They agreed to give him a ride but said Martinez kept changing his mind about his destination. At a stop in front of a house in Albuquerque, Martinez allegedly pulled out a gun and ordered them out of the car. The players complied, but when they reportedly saw Martinez fumble with the gun, one of the players got back in the car and punched him in the face. The rest of the players joined in the brawl, restraining Martinez until police arrived at the scene. Authorities said the gun wasn’t real, but Martinez also was carrying a knife and a note reading: “Give me the keys to your wip (car) and a nobody get heart. I know where you live so don’t make me kill.” In his mugshot taken on the night of his arrest, Martinez’s eyes were swollen shut, covered in black and purple bruises. Much of his face was disfigured with cuts and scrapes.

Whoops! Take it from the mugshot, kids. Don’t try to carjack a bunch of football players or else you’ll up looking like E.T. with your eyes sewed shut. I don’t care how much Blue Sky was in his system at the time. You don’t mess with football players coming out of practice in the dead New Mexican heat of August. Training camp SUCKS. Anybody who messes with anyone after a two-a-day deserves a certified butt whoopin. So, yeah, maybe these guys went a punch too far when mangling Angelo’s face. But that’s what happens when you poke the bears after they’re running around in scorching sun getting their dicks kicked in for hours. You drink through a straw until the plastic surgeon is ready.

Also, far be it from me to judge anyone else’s writing abilities. I understand I don’t right grammer good. But that is one hell of a note left by a kindergartener with a fake gun and half the chromosomes.

“Give me the keys to your wip (car) and a nobody get heart. I know where you live so don’t make me kill.”

Definitely hearts the heart to read.