Barstool Office Power Rankings – Bozo
ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite weekly feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings, done every single week without fail. I cannot believe this is week 37. How do we do it? Heart, miles and miles of heart. I gave my word to the people that I would do these rankings, making internet jokes about the people I love the most, and YP, and I will stop at nothing to deliver on that promise.
It was a fun week here at Barstool HQ. For the most part, the vibes are all good. You can definitely feel the summer breeze in the air, partially because the AC is blasting full steam ahead like it’s powering the Titanic across the ocean and everyone is getting the sniffles because of it.
But like always, some people stood out among the others and should be rewarded for their nobility. Thus, without further ado, I present the week 37 rankings:
5) Francis
Remember that time Francis went to China? No? Well I swear he did, even if it wasn’t this year. And the proof is in the pudding, because the first (of 38) trailers dropped for it this week. And it’s a DOOZY. Him and Donnie are completely insane, it’s a miracle he made it back in one piece. And to be completely honest, I’m not sure if it was goat stampede or the air quality of Mike Ditka’s office that did him in, but Francis hasn’t been the same since. Cannot wait for the first episode, coming October 2019.
But wait, there’s more!
Francis made his Rundown debut! He technically isn’t allowed on it, but I made the exception because it was about time a millionaire who graduated from Harvard with a summer house in the Hamptons was given a break in life. And he crushed it, sitting there quietly while me and Smitty yelled at each other about blimps and James Buchanan.
And to top off the week, he got to interview Larry The Cable Guy.
Have a week, Francis, have a week.
4) Kevin and John
Well, there it is. KFC and Helen Owen, just laughing it up. Has to be the career/life peak for Kevin, making Helen Owen smile. So hey, it’s been a good run. Where do you go from there? All down hill from here, my friend. Enjoy rehab.
But the reason they make the top 5 is simply because they took a vacation business trip to LA. Just hanging out on the beach, mingling with Instagram models, putting the beautiful Cali hair to work.
Any time you can go to the West Coast instead of coming into dirty ass Barstool HQ, you take that opportunity.
And they also just celebrated KFC Radio’s 5th anniversary! It’s been 5 years since Kevin and Brendan invented the podcast, and a bunch of episodes, some new born babies, 9 different apartments, and 1 porn star later, they have turned 5. KFC Radio paved the way for all Barstool Podcasts that have come since. 5 years is a long ass time, and it’s just as funny as ever. Congrats, boys.
3) Me
Look, I try to stay humble, but when you have a good week, you have a good week. I’d be number 3 on this list if anyone was writing it, it just happens to be me.
This week I went to town on my hatred of Katy Perry, released the critically acclaimed 2nd episode of Nate At Night featuring your 10th grade self’s favorite band, Dispatch, chatted it up with one of my favorite people in the world, Jay Chandrasekhar,
and then hosted the Rundown in a funny hat.
When you’re hot, you’re hot. Stay hot, me.
2) PMT
– Mount Rushmore Season- BACK
– Ass Eating Season- BACK
And they cohosted a little known radio show up in some podunk town in Connecticut.
Is getting tweeted by an account with 33 million followers good for business? I’ll let you know.
And poor Rovell. Not really. But poor Rovell.
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Flex flex city bitch
And shout out to the Handsome One.
1) Viral Riggs/Bozo
What a week for your boy Riggs. What a fucking week. It all started Saturday morning when he fired off a pretty innocent tweet about sunscreen. He then played a round of golf, and next thing he knew he was going viral all over the Internet. He could barely load the Twitter app for days. He even made it into a Buzzfeed listicle! Momma, he made it!
Literally!
Needless to say, 140,000 RT’s later, Riggs has cemented himself in Twitter history as the Sunscreen Guy. But as life usually is, for every up, there is a down: Enter, Bozo.
I’m in tears. It’s just so funny. It’s just one of those perfect Barstool moments that you can’t plan.
And very good job by Riggs keeping it hidden from Dave all this time.
From most viral tweet in Barstool history to Bozo, the internet is a wild place.
Congrats, Riggs.
Rap Feud Of The Week
Most fire diss track of all time? Most fire diss track of all time. I don’t know how the Mike The Bike beef with Rob Stone started, but I know he just ended it. Rob Stone can’t show his face in public anymore. He’ll be laughed at in the grocery store. At the Olive Garden. At his own family reunion. Absolutely ruthless murder by MTB. Absolutely ruthless.
Smitty Takes Another L Of The Week
Wanna guess how this turned out? A wild guess?
Oh Smitty. Haven’t a clue why he challenged the best basketball player in the office to a game of 1 on 1 to try to prove he doesn’t suck at basketball when everyone has seen endless amount of tape of him playing basketball, but that’s the Smitty difference. Maybe next he’ll challenge Bill Gates to a code-off or Warren Buffett to an investing competition. You’ll get a W one day, Smitterson. I know it. It apparently just won’t be in sports.
Portnoy Video Of The Week
I mean, I don’t have much to add. I hope LeBron does shit like this forever so Dave does shit like this forever.
Haley Joel Osmet Of The Week
I fully expected this to be a 15 minute review, with Dave just asking HJO nonstop questions because it’s not every day he gets to stand next to someone he’s taller than. Congrats to Dave!
New Podcast Of The Week
What happens when an 18 year old and a Red Sox blogger get together? They make a wrestling podcast! Welcome “From The Top Rope” to the Barstool podcast network. And they came hard in their first ep, interviewing Cody Rhodes, who is kind of a big deal, maybe you’ve heard of him. Make sure to subscribe, rate, and review it on iTunes, all that stuff actually does help (probably way more than it should, but Apple is weird), so giving the 5 star ratings goes a long way. So do that, it’d be pretty nice.
And that about does it for this week’s Power Rankings. Make sure to subscribe to the newsletter, follow everyone on Twitter, call your dad on Father’s Day if you aren’t home to celebrate with him this weekend, and stay safe out there. A good darty to all, and to all a good darty.
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Xo,
Nate