I’m All In On Sky Zone’s Ultimate Dodgeball World Championships 2017
While I’m sure everyone with an internet connection has been diligently following the life and times of Barstool Heartland, allow me take a second to fill you in on the brief history of the Heartland for those of you who haven’t. Our Supreme Leader, Pat McAfee, walked away from a multi-million dollar contract back in February to build this operation from the ground up. Since then, we’ve produced chart-topping podcasts, videos, changed names 12,348 times, hosted #LiveAt9 shows that routinely outdraw shock jock programming on nationally syndicated sports networks (not to name names), and held open interviews to assemble some of the best and brightest young talent the Internet has to offer. Many of whom left good jobs with competitive salaries to come to Indianapolis for the opportunity to make it at Barstool, myself included. It’s not everyday someone asks you to try your hand at the hottest media company on the face of the Earth, but opportunity doesn’t pay the bills. You know what does? $20,000 prize money from the Ultimate Dodgeball Championship 2017 in Orland Park, Illinois. I don’t why I didn’t think of this before. Now before you ask, the answer is no, I’ve never played ultimate dodgeball, but I was routinely picked in the top 3 in regular dodgeball when we would play in gym class when I was younger so naturally I’m well ahead of the curve. Additionally, despite having a reputation as a bunch of fat bloggers who live in their mom’s basement, Barstool SPORTS actually boasts a collection of surprisingly gifted athletic talent. Since UDC regulations require five men on the fusion court at all times, what would a hypothetical team of sports bloggers look like compared to the finest athletes the UDC has to offer? Let’s take a look.
Smitty
It wouldn’t be a Barstool ultimate dodgeball team (or any sort of athletic competition for that matter) without Hardo Smitty in the fold. Smitty’s self-proclaimed dodgeball prowess alone is enough to land him a spot on the roster. Apologies in advance to any girls who may find themselves on the other side of the trampoline, as it’s been well documented that Smitty doesn’t discriminate when it comes to systematically dismantling opponents regardless of gender.
Gay Pat
There’s really not a lot to get into here, because Gay Pat is apparently the best basketball player on the face of the Earth.
I don’t know to what extent basketball skill translates into ultimate dodgeball skill, but I do know that no one has ever told a lie on the Internet, specifically on Twitter. Tweets > facts, so I’d be largely disappointed if Gay Pat weren’t able to make the seamless transition from the hardwood to the polypropylene.
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Francis
If you’d have told me that some red-headed Harvard nerd could yam like that in transition, I’d have told you to go fuck yourself. I really didn’t expect to see those kinds of hops from Francis, but history is littered with guys who’ve been able to cash in big time thanks to one brief moment of impressive athleticism (see John Ross, Darius Heyward-Bey).
Pat McAfee
AKA the only professional athlete employed full time at Barstool. The issue here is that UDC regulations also indicate that players are not allowed to use their feet to kick the ball at their opponent, which could be problematic for a guy who used to kick balls for a living.
For years I had always scoffed at the idea of playing office politics, but now that I’m at the bottom of the totem pole again, I have no qualms with reserving a roster spot for my superiors in hopes of scoring points with the new boss.
Caleb
Everyone knows that winning dodgeball begins with good, sound fundamentals: dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge, but at some point it would be helpful to have a former quarterback with an arm capable of firing missiles at opponents.
Also don’t look now, but Caleb may or may not have been moonlighting as an ultimate dodgeball superstar for years, as evidenced by the :51 second mark of this here highlight video.
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As far as the competition goes, unless we’re facing off against a handpicked collection of roided out foreigners representing an evil fitness conglomerate, I feel like Barstool stands a pretty good chance. Fortunately, there’s a plethora of match footage and highlight tapes of past competition like this video of the entire 2015 world championship.
However if you don’t feel like spending a half hour of your life watching an organized backyard game on steroids, here’s some highlight videos of what I assume are the UDC’s version of SportsCenter’s Top 10 plays to helps us size up these gym class heroes.
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Not bad, not bad at all. I saw some above average arm strength and some of those flips were pretty neat but you only flip in Jackie Chan movies not real life. Still not impressed though. It’s gonna take a lot more than a few teenagers running around in mantyhose and douchey softball jerseys to keep me off the tramp.
Barstool Ultimate Dodgeball World Champions 2017, who says no?