Using A Blowtorch To Rob An ATM Is A Great Idea Other Than The Fact That Money Is Made Of Paper And Burns Very Easily

Q13 Fox- Police in Everett say would-be ATM thieves thwarted their own burglary attempt by setting the cash on fire. Police and firefighters were called Tuesday morning to Coastal Community Bank on 19th Ave SE for the report of a fire. When they arrived, crews found the drive-up ATM had been set on fire.

Aaron Snell with the Everett Police Department said the suspects used a blowtorch to try and access the ATM’s cash box. In the process of doing so, they accidentally set the money on fire. John Dickson, Chief Operations Officers of Coastal Community Bank, said the suspects were not able to get away with any money. He told Q13 News that masked men tried to break into the bank’s cash deposit box just a few weeks ago.

Dickson bank said the bank will be providing surveillance video of the incident to Everett police. The Everett Police Department issued these surveillance photos and video of the suspects. Police said the suspects are Eli Steen and Jason Kovar, both of whom are 31 and from Everett.

Damn man. Our suspects Eli and Jason (allegedly) almost had the perfect crime. Nobody is expecting someone to wield a motherfucking blowtorch like Hank Scorpio when they are designing an ATM. Partially because that’s an absolute savage way to rob money from an ATM. But more importantly, if money lights on fire, it will burn.

(Source: The Dark Knight. And common sense)

Now I’m sure these two enterprising young men will be clowned for this story as it goes viral. But the fact of the matter is we have all been there. You think you have crossed all the T’s and dotted the lower case j’s for a plan and then realize you forgot your wallet. Or your phone. Or the ignition temperature of money being pretty fucking low.

So while I am by no means an expert in the bank robbery business, may I suggest two pointers to Eli and Jay.

1. If you have a blowtorch and want to steal money, your best bet is to go in a bank and ask the teller to fill up a bag with all the cash the bank has, preferably in one of those sacks that has a dollar symbol on it. I’m pretty sure nobody in the universe willingly wants to be lit on fire. Actually I should probably re-listen to some of the old episodes of KFC Radio since this is something Feitelberg may be into.

2. Make sure to put masks on before robbing a bank if you are anywhere near a place that just may have security cameras. Cops learning your identity is a #bad thing for bank robbers.

Shout out to these two for at least not wearing the traditional robber uniform and really tipping off the authorities.

Oh yeah and of course we definitely have to include this very important nugget that I thought was basic knowledge.

3. Cash burns. Like really, really easily. Don’t put a flame near it or else your entire heist will go up in smoke.

And that was your dad joke of the day. Make sure to listen to The Podfathers for more dad-centric humor!

Okay, that was an absolutely terrible way to promote a podcast. I apologize to the Stoolies, Chaps, KFC, and the entire Barstool content team for that one. I am breaking out my Photoshopped version of the Mets apology from last night for this one.