I Wouldn't Wish Being A Sick Chewing Tobacco User On My Worst Enemy

Little insight into my life right now: I’m sick.

I’ll pause here and give you a moment to both shed tears and offer thoughts and prayers.

….

Go ahead

….

Thank you. Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s dive into the hellish life I lead right now with the common cold. We got any tobacco users in the crowd tonight? Great, you guys know what I’m talking about. Being a sick chewing tobacco user (I’m not sure if a comma goes there? I’m not trying to imply that I’m excellent at dipping, I just mean I’m addicted to smokeless tobacco and also ill. Under the weather. You get what I’m saying.) But the point I’m tediously digging for here is that it fucking sucks.

When you’re sick and dip it’s a vicious cycle, much like the welfare system. I don’t feel well but I need to dip, then I dip and that makes me feel worse, but then that subsides and I dip again so I feel even worse. I’ve got no saliva so a wad of tobacco just sticks in my lip. When I do try to spit, it just looks like I’m painting the walls of the inside of a water bottle because the spit is so dry and weak that it never collects at the bottom. It’s the worst kindergarten ecosystem replica you’ve ever seen.

Anyway, that’s it. My head hurts from the sickness and spins from the nicotine, so that’s all I got. Being sick sucks. You’re welcome for this breakthrough.