Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 25
ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. I think this is my 3rd time doing them and office morale has never been higher. Everyone is happy, cheerful, and having a gay old time as we prepare to celebrate 6 months in Barstool HQ.
This week was an interesting one. The Spags vs Loud Sean basketball game that set the sport back 50 years, Dave and his best friend Frankie jetted off to Vegas on Wednesday for his 40th birthday party, and the PMT boys were up to their old tricks again.
So before Power Rankings officially begin, I need to start with both Loud Sean and Spags who I could not figure out if they ranked, if they need improvement, or what the fuck to do with them.
I mean, what can you even say about how this saga ended? These two met on the court for a game up to 21, broadcasted live for the world to see, and put on a what can only be described as the worst basketball game ever played.
It took 5 minutes for the first point to be scored
Loud Sean was gasping for breath from the Uber ride over
And Chris Spags was patently insufferable
He did cut this wild promo though, which I think is a bit but I’m also positive he means every last word of it
There is an argument to be made for Spags cracking the Power Rankings, but I don’t want him to get too cocky. The hardest working man at Barstool doesn’t need to be power ranked, anyway.
So onto the Rankings we go:
5) Frankie Vegas
Let me tell you a thing about Frankie. When he came into this office, he was quiet, shy, and timid. We all knew Dave was molding him to be his new best friend, but Frankie didn’t know. And now, a few months later, Frankie is literally Dave Jr. He walks like him, talks like him, is his Mini-Me in every way a person can:
Listen to this. You would think Dave wrote it word for word for the Pizza Maker.
Frankie is legit the luckiest guy in the world. He holds a camera for pizza reviews for 4 minutes a day, throws it on Instagram, and then goes and parties with millionaires in Vegas in 25k suites while spending all of his father’s boss’s cash. And after Vegas he is returning home to work….no he’s now? Oh, he’s going to Augusta, the place he has always wanted to go the most.
If you want to be jealous of anyone in the world, make it Frankie. Kid is living the fucking dream.
And turns out he has a new mother now too:
I don’t want to spend too much time on Vegas Dave because lord knows we will get plenty more of that this weekend, but shout out to him for turning 40 and not looking a day older than 38.
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4) Francis
This is the upset of the century. Francis making my power rankings. Not because I don’t think his videos are funny, because I do, but it’s because he talks louder than any person I’ve ever met. Loud Sean drunk at karaoke smashing glasses is not as loud as Francis at 11am on a Tuesday. Kid just TALKS. And it’s usually about nothing. He’ll just read the Internet out loud to whomever is around. Doesn’t matter if it’s dead silent and everyone has headphones on, Francis will tell you about a bear who just raped a teenager in the woods in Nebraska, and then try to fight KMarko to be able to blog about it.
I put him on the PR for two reasons though- 1) the birthday video is laugh out loud funny, and 2) he is on his 4th vacation since he started here 2 months ago, so it’s nice and quiet in the office for me to write these power rankings. I generally hate how he always takes vacations because no other writer has ever taken a vacation, but I’m all aboard him taking off Fridays if it means the decibel level of the office isn’t comparable to a NASCAR race.
3) The Second Floor
Brick by brick, bitches! As it turns out, having 60 employees in an office meant for 40 with 2 bathrooms was sub-optimal. As it turns out, having the PMT boys puke in the middle of the office was not the best environment for the sales people to make phone calls with important clients. As it turns out, Asa sitting in front of a green screen talking about a guy sticking his toes in her asshole was not the best place for our engineers to build out a new 6 figure app. So we sold some tshirts, Portnoy took out a second mortgage on his soul, and we opened a second floor. And it is a beauty.
Look at this, Barstool Sports now has…wait for it…conference rooms!
No joke, we’ve gone this entire time without places for people to have meetings. Sales meetings, meeting with the CEO and high powered people at other companies, all of that…took place in podcast studios. Mics flying around, hitting people in the head. And now we have actual conference rooms, you know, like a real company.
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And look at this:
A rustic little coffee table. It’s like something out of Silicon Valley.
Not to say we didn’t Barstool it up a little bit….
Can you actually sit at that table in those chairs? Well, no. But look how chic they are. Who needs chairs that fit the table anyway? Overrated.
So all the nerds are now downstairs, while the non-nerd (bloggers and podcasters, the non-nerds) are still up here. I’m sure their production has tripled this week alone.
2) Kevin Clancy/Uncle Chaps
I think KFC does 15 hours of radio a day. He comes in, eats Chipotle at 11am, and then disappears into the podcast/radio studios until he emerges sweaty and run down or shivering to death because the heating system in this office is as bipolar as it gets. But this dude is just doing 100 podcasts a day, and he is so fucking good at them it makes me sick, considering I’m so fucking bad at them it makes everyone else equally as sick.
This week, I suggest you listen to Podfathers. Even if you aren’t a father, aren’t in a relationship, or maybe you’re a DMV blogger not having sex, you will still enjoy the ever living h*ck out of Podfathers.
And Chaps is the fucking best. Wish he was in New York full time instead of his “ginormous house” that he “pays very little for” with his “adorable dogs” and his “family who loves him”. All a bunch of horseshit if you ask me. Come be a miserable fuck like the rest of us you selfish asshole.
1)
Young Page Views!!!
Hahahahaha oh man, can you imagine?
1) Pardon My Take
Well it’s about time PMT did something noteworthy. Blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then, I guess. And what a big nut they busted this week, getting onto the conference call of the NFL Competition Committee and asking the hard hitting questions everyone else was too big of a pussy to ask:
They also had Stu Feiner come into the studio to make one of the most outrageous videos I’ve ever seen. I was in tears watching them film it:
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And then they capped off the week having Tea Boy Tex watch 2 Girls 1 Cup for the first time because there literally wasn’t Internet in Bandera when it originally came out.
Quite a week for the boys. And hide your definitely not gay bloggers because they are also models af.
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT
Pat McAfee
I mean I get he’s a millionaire freerolling in Vegas with another millionaire, but there are still rules to society. What you do in blackjack affects everyone you’re playing with. You can’t willy nilly split queens like that. I saw a guy get punched at 2am at a $25 Vegas blackjack table for hitting on 14 with the dealer showing a 2. Guy next time was just not having it and they started chirping and next thing you know, PUNCH. I don’t think anyone is punching Pat, but guy is a wild card like Charlie from Always Sunny, you never know what you’re going to get with him.
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Hollywood
You’re telling me there’s a script for the Barstool Movie and Hollywood hasn’t paid a billion dollars for it yet? Grown Ups 4, Grown Uppier is in production but the movie where KMarko is a stripper clenching a pole with his ass cheeks is on the sidelines and one-eyed Big Cat and PFT are in a feud
Be better, Hollywood, be better.
Kmarko
For not doing highlights without right of the movie script.
Single Girl On The Prowl Of The Week, Sup?
Sup?
New Segment Of The Week: Slappin’ Titties With Glenny Balls
Probably my favorite new segment of all time. I walk up to Glenny in the office, say “titties” and he slaps some titties. I encourage you, if you see Glenny out and about, to jump in on this segment and send me the tape. RTs on RTs on RTs.
PS: What is life?
Newest Dance Craze Sweeping The Nation: The Nae Nate
Go to the club one time, spring a national dance craze. Amazing.
Smitty Blog That I Laughed Out Loud At Multiple Times Of The Week Year
Absolutely hysterical blog from King Hardo himself. A few of my favorites:
Spider Monkey Smitty, great job with this one.
Golf Boys Taking Over The World Update:
Ooops, wrong tweet, trying to delete.
They didn’t make the top 5, but oh hey, they’re going to the Masters, ever heard of it? The Vacation Boys/Time Square Boys continue to shine, even though Trent can’t find shoes that fit (because he doesn’t know his shoe size).
And that about does it for the week. Shout out Hubbs for helping compile the big moments. Follow everyone on Twitter, Instagram, and subscribe to the Newsletter so you get to see new Milmore cartoons on Fridays and hilarious throwbacks all week.
Until next time, stay safe out there.