Apparently Barstool HQ Now Has A Taser And I Am Excited/Terrified
I saw this tweet come across my timeline today and I audibly gasped. And it wasn’t just any gasp, but a gasp filled with joy and terror. As you guys know, I’m not in the office every day. Not because I don’t want to be, but because the commute and the kid make it tough to do daily and I get a lot more done when I’m not surrounded by a gaggle of coworkers, interns, people that just sit down at HQ that everyone thinks are interns, and general riff raff (guests, vendors, important people that I don’t know because I’m seldom in the office, etc.).
Anyway, seeing that taser was like seeing Chekhov’s gun. Anyone that has ever read a recap of a Breaking Bad episode knows what Chekhov’s gun is. For those that don’t, here is a brief explanation.
Everything I have ever seen at Barstool Sports leads me to believe that taser will not only be used on somebody, but will be used on somebody soon. You don’t introduce something like a taser to an office full of misfits without expecting it will be used at least once (since I am a misfit I can call all my coworkers misfits).
Which leads to why I am both excited and terrified. I am excited as someone that spends a good portion of his time at home just like John or Jane Stoolie. I get to watch all these goldfish in this bowl and get to laugh with/at them. Does it suck when I miss days like the wallaby visit or Asa’s flying 69 into Nate’s arms? For sure. But not being there for some of the awkward firings on Barstool Idol or recent grudge battles was kind of nice. But I am also scared because I do go into the office when I can. I saw Dave chew out Young Pageviews for being late last week and you could hear a pin drop after it was over. What I am trying to say is I do not want to be anywhere near HQ when that taser goes off, because trained cops occasionally can fuck up a tasering (Source: 1,000s of hours of watching Cops). I want to be as far away as possible when that taser goes off. Again, I don’t know when it will happen, but I know for sure that it will happen.
Now the question is who will it happen to. Here are my current odds of who will get tasered (always subject to change).
Tex – 2:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Tex (self inflicted)
I don’t think I have to explain my line of thinking here. Tex has been a content machine since the day he was hired. And that content is usually him taking L’s, whether it’s Buffalo Bill knocking his block off, Big Cat vaping in his face, or going to West Virginia to fight some hillbillies. However Tex no longer being allowed to fight due to excessive concussions hurts his stock in the content game. I see Tex somehow ending up in a scenario where if he loses, he has to taser himself. And that win he is due doesn’t arrive until after said tasering.
Nate – 4:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Young Pageviews
Nate comes in second of this list for one simple reason. Him and Young Pageviews are currently in an arms race against each other. Except instead of nukes it is jokes at each others’ expense. Apparently every Friday afternoon, Nate goes into one podcast studio to write the power rankings while Young Pageviews goes into the other studio to edit Stool Scenes, which I found hilarious since they are constantly trying to one-up each other by making the other the butt of the jokes of their content. It was like watching Ben Kingsley and Morgan Freeman build their empires across the street from each other in Lucky Number Slevin (I think a Lord of the Rings Two Towers comparison could work too, but I really don’t remember that movie).
There is also a chance Dave basically makes Nate get tasered out of the blue due to a disagreement on The Rundown, hence why there is a better chance he gets tasered than YP.
Young Pageviews – 5:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Nate
Again, this comes down to the deadly staredown that is occurring between YP and Nate. Sooner or later someone is going to bring a taser gun to the blog fight. And when they do, hopefully the eye in the sky, if not the camera for Stool Scenes picks it up.
Smitty – 8:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Whoever is on Barstool Gametime next
My favorite part of Gametime are the bets that go on the line. Whether it’s a tattoo, going vegan for a week, or anything else. I’m pretty sure if the taser gun was there a month ago, your boy Smitty would already have had 50,000 volts of electricity administered through his body thanks to my trigger finger. Nonetheless, Smitty getting tasered seems to be more of a matter of when, not if.
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UPDATE: Tex’s odds have now moved to EVEN while Smitty is now listed in Vegas at 3:1. Both are overdue for a win.
Someone on the 2nd Floor – 12:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Big Cat
After seeing the tour of the 2nd Floor Office Lacrosse Practice Center, it looks like Big Cat has moved on to a new set of nerds to pick on. I could see actually Dan picking on the brainiacs on the 2nd floor becoming a new Barstool #franchise.
Big Cat – 15:1
Most likely to fire the taser = PFT
How quickly the hunter becomes the hunted. Whenever a firearms get brought up in the office, I immediately think of PFT as the guy that would wield it. He has a Dwight Schrute vibe to him when it comes to weaponry. And remember when PFT and Big Cat had that zero-sum game of sack wacking? Well I could see that escalating into tasering. And much like Han Solo, I expect PFT to be the one that shoots first.
PFT – 16:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Big Cat
Howevaaaaaaa, there is always a chance that Big Cat wants to assert himself in this new age of Pardon My Take battles and tasers first. But I think Dan hunts the nerds before he hunts a podcast ally.
Feitelberg – 20:1
Sorry that picture cracks me up every time. Here’s a real one.
Most likely to fire the taser = KFC
I could definitely see a conversation about tasering yourself during sex coming up on an episode of KFC Radio and Feitelberg casually mentioning that he likes getting tasered during sex. Next thing you know he’s getting tasered in front of a green screen all in the name of #content, something that was probably in Dave’s dreams when he first imagined this fun house being built.
Glenny Balls – 25:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Caleb
Truth be told, I think if Glenny was hired today, he would be tasered by tomorrow. Big guys are just a bigger target for this kind of stuff (no pun intended). But I think Glenny has graduated past this kind of tomfoolery being his calling card. He is writing blogs, making videos, and appearing on TV shows. The days of potentially being tasered are never behind you when you work for Barstool, but Glenny has turned himself into a long shot for sure. However as you can see in the picture above, Glenny has experience in being a target. Nonsensical things like that always factor into shit a Barstool. Nobody fucking forgets a thing. But if Glenny were to get tasered, I think he would only feel comfortable being tasered by the man that “discovered” him after that magical 20 yard dash.
KFC – 50:1
KFC’s misery is always great for business. If our numbers dipped into the red, I’m sure a video and subsequent Pres reaction video of KFC getting lit up would be not good but GREAT for business.
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Someone That Could Harm Us And Should Actually Be Tasered – 999999:1
Most likely to fire the taser = Ebony
And this may be the saddest thing of all. We have had God knows how many randoms stroll past the front desk and into HQ just so they could pitch Dave their idea that they never end up telling him because they are too nervous. Those are the people that should be tasered. We don’t know if you are a normal dude or some loony toon off the street. Which is why I think all guests should be forced to sign in and be patted down on the 2nd floor before making their way up to the content floor. They can have the fucking taser too. In fact I prefer it.
And for those who say I should be tasered, the answer is a hard no. Not because I won’t do it for the content. I flew to fucking Latvia in the name of the stars and stool. But I think we can all agree that a shitload of electricity rushing through my heart wouldn’t be the best idea for a man of my size. The ol’ ticker has enough to fight off on a daily basis outside of being tasered. And while they know we are dumb over here at Barstool, I can’t imagine the Chernin Group is interested in going to court over a wrongful death suit for one of the goddamn idiot bloggers here.