Handicapping the Athletes on "Dancing with the Stars"
Last night Dancing with the Stars kicked off its 24th season. And in their never-ending efforts to keep the show from deteriorating into Dancing with People You’ll Just Have to Look Up on IMDb, the producers are turning to more and more current and former athletes.
I take a back seat to no man when it comes to my appreciation of a good Foxtrot or the subtle grace required to pull off a proper Paso Doble. So here’s my handicapping of the five athletes in the premiere, based on their chances to win the coveted Mirror Ball trophy, from worst to first.
5. Mr. T
Take your “Mr. T is no athlete” argument and go straight to Hell with it. In the height of America’s post-Rocky III euphoria, Mr. T became a legend who helped skyrocket the WWE into the national consciousness. His partnering with his Rocky III co-star Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Snuka against Roddy Piper, Paul Orndorff and Bob Orton was the main event of a little thing they called “Wrestlemania I.” It was a magical event that made the country feel as if anything is possible. Anything that is, except Mr. T lasting more than three weeks on DWTS. The best thing you can say about him last night is that he danced about as well as you can expect a botoxed 270 lb, 64-year-old cartoon character could dance to the theme from The A-Team.
4. David Ross
The catcher on two World Series winners has won his last championship, I’m afraid. Speaking as a guy who had a legendary catching career on the youth fields of Weymouth and appreciates the fine art of playing the position, Ross never struck me as a guy with brilliant footwork behind the plate. And it’s showing up on the dance floor. His Quickstep to “Go, Cubs, Go,” while charming, lacked the technique it’s going to take to keep advancing once we get rid of the Chris Kattans, Charos and Clubber Langs.
3. Simone Biles
She might be the best pure dancer in this competition. Her problem isn’t her ability. It’s politics. Unfortunately for Simone, she’s come onto the show right after her US Women’s Gymnastics teammate Laurie Hernandez won it all. And as much as America loves our gymnasts, we’re not going to sit still for back-to-back seasons of 4-foot-9, 100 lb women barely out of their teens winning Mirror Balls. DWTS is not a strict meritocracy. It’s about giving the public what it wants. Not to mention that on some level allowing gymnasts, who basically dance for a living, into an amateur dancing competition is like entering a Great White into a swimming race. Sorry, Simone. You’re a season late and trophy short on this one.
2. Rashad Jennings
Pains me though it does to admit it since he was a NY Giant, Jenning’s Cha Cha was straight flames. We’re only one dance into this fight and he’s already showing the kind of moves that would make panties hit the dance floor in a club. Granted, the Giants released him and he’s still unsigned, but even if he’d been on one the teams that won the Super Bowls That Shall Not Be Named, I’d have to respect his talent. This guy is the most dangerous man in sequins right now. And that’s saying something.
1. Nancy Kerrigan
I don’t care if my figure skating bias shows. Do. Not. Care. I apologize for nothing. Nancy is one of my all time Boston sports heroes. The fact she got ripped off at the Lillehammer Olympics because the judges were sick of the Tonya-Nancy soap opera and gave gold to that little snotnosed orphan Oksana Bauil is one of the great injustices ever. (Go look at the video. Oksana just threw in a useless triple jump at the end of her program. Travesty.) But even with that aside, Nancy is a legit threat to win this whole thing. She’s got a champion’s heart. Her waltz was exquisite. And she will only get better. Plus the discipline of skating really translates to the dance floor, as evidenced by the phenomenal runs by Season 6 champion Kristi Yamaguchi and Evan Lysacek, who barely lost out to Nicole Scherzinger in the classic Season 10. Nancy Kerrigan is not just the favorite among the athletes this year, she’s my dark horse to win it all. It would be the justice she was denied 23 years ago.