"Friday Night Tykes" Episode 6 Recap: The Rise of Knee Walker Guy
That’s the sound of the fat lady singing. Playoffs roll on next week on #FridayNightTykes. pic.twitter.com/iFCJaOTo2a
— Friday Night Tykes (@tykes) February 22, 2017
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Last week “Friday Night Tykes” was all about physically assaulting players, destroying their will to ever play football and sending them out to play in lightning storms. I’m happy to report this week the child abuse was all verbal. As in mounds, hillots, hills, mountains, continental divides of verbal abuse. So things are looking up for the parents of TYFA:
*We open with the Outlaws. That would be the original Outlaws who moved up into the Snoop League, not their TYFA replacements Tha 210 Outlaws. (Note: If Mark Davis doesn’t call the Las Vegas Raiders “Tha 702 Raiders,” I’m gonna be pissed.) The bad news for the Original Outlaws is that Myzel Miller has been hurt the last couple of weeks. The good news is they managed to coax former Colts superstar Tadion Lott out of retirement. Which is huge since, as one coach reminds us that Tadion is “the motherfucking Jet Sweep king,” something I’m looking forward to hearing from Rich Eisen at the 2024 Combine.
*Tha 210’s meanwhile are still mad about the fact the officials let a little thing like bolts of electric heat the temperature of the sun interfere with the end of Steelers game. Someone says the loss deserves an “asterick” while the coaches work on tackling drills at practice. One particular good form tackle receives an enthusiastic “That’s they way you kiss him in the mouth!” We don’t see the reactions, but after a dozen years of coaching youth ball, my guess is the point he was going for make was lost on those boys.
*At the Steelers practice, we find out that Tre Tre got into trouble at school again. Last week it was a fight, so him mom suspended him one game, only to have the coaches exercise the Parental Discipline veto power granted to them by the Texas Constitution and unsuspend him. But this week they’re only facing the Mavericks, so it’s an opportune time to create the illusion they give fucks about what kind of a shitshow he is to teach.
*This game, there’s only one team that can compete with the Steelers. And that’s the Steelers’ moms. By the time the players take a 47-0 lead, the moms are beating the Mavs moms Infinity-0. It’s an all-out, booty-shaking, hooting, in-your-face Taunt Jam 2016 along the sidelines. A few Mavericks parents, sick of the “They ain’t ready for this!” and “All DAY!” in the kids’ faces ask them to tone it down. And basically get asses jammed into jorts in their faces for their trouble. One white trash Steelers mom goes full on Dr. Phil guest on a hot Mavericks mom. “You firsss, home girl!” followed by a language “Arrival” Amy Adams couldn’t decipher. The vibe moves onto the field as the mics pick up an anonymous Steeler tell a Mav “Y’all suck!” Apples, falling off of trees. To his credit, the Steelers president will have none of it, screaming “We don’t do no bullshit! Anybody who’s with the Steelers cut the shit!” And as he storms off the field after the game, he’s learned the oldest lesson in the coaching game: No 55-0 win is so good that some parent can’t find a way to fuck it up for you.
*The Rockets might be 5-0 and The Tha 210 4-1 (asterick), but TYFA, like the NBA, is a superstar-driven league. When the two teams meet, it’s all about Rockets first year specimen Travion Smith and 210 Outlaws QB Ashton Dubose. In the pregame, Rockets HC Joe Heath implores his players to knock their opposite numbers out, whereas the team president wants them hit so hard they can’t breathe. If some assistant demanded they choke somebody out, shiv them or cut some throats, it didn’t make the final edit.
*The game Rockets-210 clash is actually one of the better games in the series so far. Ashton throws a long TD pass, Trevion scores on an extra point. A long touchdown run by Ashton is answered with a huge 4th down stop by Trevion. Trevion comes to the sidelines with blood gushing out of his nose, which a coach treats by reenacting the waterboarding scene from “Zero Dark Thirty,” as opposed to getting a bandage. A late score by the Rockets makes it a 34-26 win for the 210 Outlaws. My gut tells me we’ll see these teams match up again.
*The tone for the Seahawks-Regular Outlaws is set right off the bat in warm ups when the ‘Hawks head coach Javis King watches an incomplete pass and offers an A+ coaching tip. “Hey you little motherfucker, get that ball up!” Beat. “I feel good…” King’s pep talk is also coaching gold. “Let’s hit these motherfuckers right in the mouth!!!” The Myzel-Tadion situation is shaping up into a future team-killer, as some of the parents whisper that it’s not fair to reduce Myzel’s playing time because he missed two weeks in favor of Tadion, who sat out all of 2015. But if Myzel is ever going to learn that you CAN lose your job to injury, it might as well be now. At least that’s how it looks as Tadion scores on a fake to Myzel as a coach runs the sideline yelling “Tadion Lott, BITCHES!!!” But Myzel will not go quietly into that good night. He lights up a kick returner to force a fumble. Then recovers a fumble. A long TD run makes it 13-0 Outlaws. A scoop and score puts the game out of reach and the Outlaws win convincingly, 27-14. But that’s not the best moment. Not by a damned sight.
*The best by far was the introduction of the breakout star of the season so far: Knee Walker Guy. After the non-call of a facemask the Seahawks sideline argued for, the referee has had e-goddamned-nough of abuse from one guy, the one with his broken leg on a rolly cart, and ejects him. And Knee Walker Guy takes it like the man he is. Pushing himself across the field he addresses the ref at the top of his lungs with “Fuck you in your ass, bitch!” He then offers the double Freedom Rockets to the officials and the Outlaws sideline with “Chew on this, motherfuckers!” and grabbing his nuts, “Suck my dick!” Again, while rolling across a football field with 22 eighth graders on it. Annnd … scene. I sense Knee Walker Guy’s own spinoff series coming out of this.
The best part is that the playoff semis are on their way. Things can only get more trainwreckish from here.
