I Had a Near Death Experience Last Night

First off, Let me preface this by saying I am writing this blog without a left index finger. Now I know how the Kekambas must have felt when they had to play the championship without G-Baby.

The night started with the Boca Raton Wet The Beak Ponzi Scheme Awareness Bowl presented by Pardon My Take presented by Barstool Sports. As a little halftime entertainment for the Bowl, my fellow interns and I had a royal rumble for a $100 gift card from Outback Steakhouse. I fashioned a wonderful strategy of plopping down in the middle of the circle and just waiting out the storm as none of them could move me. This led to an easy prance to the finals against Intern David after he pushed Ria in order to advance. Thought I was seeing shades of Bobby Brown for  a second. So, it was me and David in the finals consisting of potentially drowning in a tub for 10 seconds followed by searching beneath each Barstool behind us for the ever-elusive Outback gift card.

Now let me tell you a little story about my love for Outback. It’s been my favorite restaurant since I was a tyke ordering Mac n Cheese off the kid’s menu. Pumpernickel Bread, Aussie Fries (layered, little tip there), Salad with Honey Mustard and no carrots or cucumbers, and a bacon cheese burger has been my go-to order since ‘Nam. I know the birthday song by heart as I’ve had it sung to me once or twice in my day. I once was at a random restaurant in Raleigh, North Carolina and a waiter came up to me and asked if I’d ever been to the Outback in Westbury, LI. You bet your ass I have, that’s my turf. Getting noticed 530 miles from my home for frequenting an Outback Steakhouse wasn’t the highlight of my life, but it sure as hell speaks to my love of OB. So yeah, I wanted that gift card.

After finding a duplicate card and realizing it was just a fake mastercard, I lost the competition. I walked off the stage gracefully like any silver medalist would. Next thing I know, blood is spewing out of my finger due to a colossal gash on my knuckle. There was a bunch of blood coming out. Thought I was gonna need a pint of Kramer. Dave, Officer Manager Brett, Louis, and I sped to the ER faster than Gretzky’s stint with the Blues. Now, I’ve never had stitches before. I was a little worried for that. Thankfully it was all documented on Snapchat and Twitter for the world to see. 2 shots were thrown between my fingers and of course the actual stitches followed. The numbing blew my finger up bigger than it already was. It was tragic. A fuck or two was dropped in the operating room, and next thing I knew I made it back for the Boca Raton Wet The Beak Ponzi Scheme Awareness Bowl postgame show starring Big Cat, PFT, Angelo Paolantonio, and myself. I like hockey a lot, yet I can’t even skate on ice so that was about the closest I’ll ever get to being a hockey player. Showed true grit. Nice guy, tries hard, loves the game.

As all of this was happening, #PrayForGlennyBalls began to trend on Twitter and an outpouring love occurred. Hundreds of well wishes and 5 nudes (sad!) later, I powered through and thankfully didn’t die.

The Boca Raton Wet The Beak Ponzi Scheme Awareness Bowl went over on a defensive penalty as I returned to Barstool HQ and all was right in the world. That would’ve just sucked if I almost died and my white whale of bowls went under. All in all, I’m very glad my gashed finger made for great content. The only sad part is I’m stuck with a splint on my finger for the next 14 days. That means I’ll be going into 2017 with only 9 fingers so the good news is I can only go up from there. Thank you for the all the love and support, updates to follow on Friday when my bandages come off for the first time. #PrayForGlennyBalls

PS: Kinda sucked last nightwhen I made an appearance on wikipedia’s page of unusual deaths. RIP.