MMBM: Inspired By Wagner, Chancellor Overpowers Polish Resistance
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Listen I absoluteley HATE people whose first instinct is to compare things to World War Two. It shows a utter lack of orignality as well as a complete disrepsect for how the greatest generation of Americans were laying the groundwork for screenplays for future Brad Pitt war movies as everyone reading this sat in the original “safe space”- your fathers epididymus.  NFL ratings were way down in 1942 also because America was too busy converting every Nielsen box into a remote detonator. But I’m going to make one final exception and that is for last nights game that was as important to the future of the league as the invasion of Normandy was to the future of America, and the NFL had to muster up its own D-Day even without its old field generals screaming “omaha” every 5 seconds to remind us.
The NFL as a whole needed a win more then any singular team except probably the Browns who in all honesty should be relegated to the MAC or at the very least the MLS. And last night, as I was on the verge of publishing a GoFundMe for the NFL league office to help make up some of the millions of dollar’s in projected advertising shortfall, they delivered on a big stage.When the NFL needs a ratings boost they dip into the Cheathawks Cheatriots jar just like when Hollywood needs a blockbuster they go back to WWII. And what we saw last night was a combination of all of these factors which translates to a ratings bonanza.
You know what makes that Seattle defense so good besides the team speed (aka sharing adderall perscriptions)? They tell the big lie knowing that refs can be bullied into ignoring the minor infractions. They know that if they cheat hard enough on defense and basically intentionally go after Tom BRadys knees and whatever Dan Carpenter and other kickers have where a normal humans testicles would be, it will be tougher to call them on the small stuff. On the last play of the game verse the Patriots, Cam Chancellor & the Seahawks grabbed and held and made the refs make a decision. Referees by there very nature are kind of chickens and so they swallowed there whistle like it was their pride and let the Cheattle get away with grabbing Gronkowski. Any student of history would know that Chancellors have a tendency to aggressively pursue Polish people and ignore rules regarding neutral zones.Instead of worrying about trying to get away with small little ethics violatons like illegal contact, they pretty much blitz and jump offsides from the trenches and still keep hitting you even if its your kicker, so that when it comes down to a big moment, the referees are just so shell shocked about everything they’ve seen that minor penalties dont even look so bad.
There was alot of talk about how the election was stealing ratings, but our founding fathers wouldn’t know a Nielson box if it tried to impose a stamp tax on them without there consent. The Framers of our constution were alot of things but they didn’t know TV ratings from a hole in the ground so they stupidly scheduled the elections to conclude before TV Sweeps. So even though the league was getting its butt kicked by politics, the election is going to choke in crunch time like Dan Marino while the NFL continues its unbeaten streak as the best entertainment there is.
In the longterm, the NFL always wins, and now that the elections over, Americans can activeley disengage from politics for the next 4 years and we can get back to the thing’s that really matter- Sunday Night Football.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Jeff Fisher
Not sure if you saw it but he’s managed to win TWO games without scoring a single Touchdown this season. To win with such a poorly coached team requires such a mastery of the game of football that the average fans head would explode if they even understood it. The odds of pulling off such a feat twice during the regular season is a 0.6% probability or in other words about double the percentage that Las Vegas had on the Rams winning the Superbowl this year.
Fisher might be known as a 8-8 type guy but the wins that he does have mean more when you consider how poorly assembled his rosters and coaching staffs are. Jeff Fisher is basically a Afghanistanian warlord who gets his ass kicked 3 times a decade by armies made up entirely of his ex-wives and there fathers, but squeezes a win out of his butthole verse the entire Soviet Union and fights the US military to a tie despite the fact that he dosen’t own an airplane. Hats off to Fish, that extension is coming any day now.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Kind of ironic that Roger Goodell last week said that he dosen’t know how he’s suppose to explain to his wife how a apparent nepotismismatic misogynist like Donald Trump rose to power despite a career of incompetence, while unfairly attacking true Patriots and their families without her starting to ask some tough questions that hit a little too close to home. Its also crazy that Donald Trump could of been a huge force in systematically destroying Goodell’s arch nemisis New England, had Roger taken Trumps desired purchase of the Buffalo Bills a little bit more seriously. So if your a Never Trump guy or gal- might be time to point that finger at the ol Ginger Hammer.
2. Its Punt Week on Pardon My Take, and the Panthers Ron Rivera got off to a early celbration on Sunday. Carolina had a 20-play drive deep into Kansas City territory that somehow ended in a punt, leaving Andy Reid stading in applause and befuddlement in his customary pool of Mr Pibb and nougat on the Chiefs sideline. Folks I havent seen a prolonged incursion into midewestern territory that ended in such a punt like this since the Kansas Nebraska act.
3. Bill O’Brien brought Condaleeza Rice in to prepare the team for there tilt against the Jacksonville Jaguars and folks if theres one thing we know its that Rice has a successful track record in dealing with overconfident Texans. And just as Rice predicted, they were greeted as liberators so look for O’Brien to dress up like a pilot and hang a Superbowl Champion banner from NRG Stadium in week 12.
4. Dont look now but New York might be going on a big time run starting tonight:
McAdoo plays mandatory REM but alternativeley They Might Be Giants. You know who else ascended after losing there religion? Jesus.
5. Did you guys see Jameis Winston running for his life on Sunday verse the Bears? If I’m Dirk Koetter I’m making it a priority to acquire some protection for Winston this offseason perhaps by drafting various members of the Talahassee Sherriff’s department.
6. Shout out to Peter King for the MMBM shout out in his MMQB column:
Peters a bit of a over achiever in the sense that he typically releases his monday morning columns on Monday Morning when all the real football fans are to hungover to open both eyes for any purpose other then aiming their pee into the sink. King’s contention this AM was that Joe Flacco has not been Elite this year despite the fact that the Ravens are literally in the catbirds seat of the AFC North.
Here’s the thing about Joe Flacco- the defense allways plays harder for him knowing that theres a chance he might not be Elite. Its like in a election all of Hillarys supporters were so sure she was going to win so alot of them didn’t even show up at the polls. Sure, Flacco could put up BIG-12 type numbers but that would just mean his defense would think it was ok to give up a bunch of scores too. Its all about setting expectations and the last thing the Ravens need is more comparsons to Baylor at this point. Case in point is the 2007 Patriots passing game who had more cloud to ground touchdowns then a Bill Paxton movie and what do you know- they ended up losing the Superbowl on a pass. Plus by not going out there and setting any records, Flacco is conditioning his team to learn how to win close games- a skill that there going to need especially since they’re not that good offensively.
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7. I’m a big fan of massive delays during ESPN remote intervews and this might be the best one I’ve ever seen:
Classic one right here. @BarstoolBigCat @PardonMyTake pic.twitter.com/GtCN0lrY4a
— Logan Jara (@logan_jara) November 14, 2016
This actually was very illuminating glimpse into the mind of ol Eddie Dubs here. People call Werder a grumpy curmuggeon who constantly overestimates how good things were back in the day, but I just think he’s a optimist who’s living his entire life on a huge delay. It would explain why he’s constantly talking about how great things use to be & also be a good reason why Ian Rapoport beats him so badly to every scoop.
8. Back-up Road Grader of the Week goes to Jakob Louks from the Mount Allison Mounties, who in a Canadian playoff game verse the St. Xavier X-Men got knocked out of the game, taken to the hopsital, and returned to the game later with a hospital wristband to finish the game. The Mounties lost, but Louks showed off the chart levels of grit, and might possbly be making me change my tune when it comes to socialized medicine. A football team is a microchosm of how socialisim can work if you get everyone to buy in. The problem is in the real world there are to many selfish nerds and you need a great coach and it just so happens that every leader who advocates for socialism tends to not of been a high school football player. Major catch 22.
9. The Jaguars had a rough go of it yetserday losing at home to the Texans, but even though Blake Bortles threw a pick 6 the play he made that wont show up on the stat sheets is the real good one. Watch his anticpation here as he gets a quick first as he gets picked off. Thats just tremendous anticpation and the Texans lucked out on the fact that they bareley even returned this for a touch down.
10. Ohio State put kind of a funny type meme deal on twitter on Saturday night:
When I heard the Buckeyes were posting a mannequin challenge I wasnt sure if they were going to tape something on the plane or just rebroadcast the film of Marylands defense.