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Adrian Peterson Shocked The World And Announced That He Is Donatello From The Ninja Turtles

It’s not often that I actually bookmark tweets, but I have bookmarked this tweet for whenever I am having a bad day because it will make me laugh every single time. I still don’t know what the fuck this all means, but I do know that it is hilarious. One of the best players in the NFL drops a tweet looking exactly like a Ninja Turtle on a slow July afternoon is what bloggers dream of. It’s gold, Jerry. GOLD!

And not only is it a funny tweet, but it’s a pretty brilliant P.R. move by Adrian Peterson. If you say you are Leonardo, you have to lead and do all that boring leadership stuff that Russell Wilson probably does in his free time. If you say you are Michaelangelo, Roger Goodell probably drug tests you every day since being a party dude in 2016 means much more than just hammering a few slices of pizza and tossing some nunchucks around. Actually I feel like pizza and nunchucks is Gronk’s daily workout during the offseason. And nobody, and I mean NOBODY wants to be Raphael these days. Just because you’re cool doesn’t give you the right to be a rude dickhead like Terrell Owens in his prime. Plus sais are the worst Ninja Turtle weapon of all. Just play in the shadows of Donatello, even if that means you are the nerd with the bo. Peterson is a superstar football player and jacked out of his mind, so he doesn’t have to worry about getting bullied like most nerds. And anyone old enough to have played the original NES Ninja Turtles video game knows Donatello was the baddest dude in the entire game. He could get you out of any jam like The Wolf from Pulp Fiction or peak Mariano Rivera*.

*Except for the Hudson River level. All of the Ninja Turtles were helpless in the Hudson. Fuck that level.

So thank you Adrian for getting us through a dog day of summer with this tweet out of the comedic heavens. Bloggers and bored NFL fans everywhere owe you one, even if Donatello mayyyybe wasn’t the best turtle to pick given your history.

Which of course led to: