Barstool Ombudsman: Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend For Not Liking The Same Sports Takes That I Do?
Welcome back for your weekly edition of “Some blog post that doesn’t strike you as particularly appealing when you see it on the main site, but then you think ‘fuck it its Friday afternoon, I just need something to read to kill 10 minutes while I poop’ and then you go ahead and read it and think ‘that was actually kind of funny’.” This week we have alot of emails to sort through regarding love, Tim Duncan, Soccer, and War so buckle up. As allways please send any questions, takes, or love letters to BarstoolOmbudsman@Gmail.com
PFT,
Over the holiday I went on the first trip/extended time in the car with a guy I have been dating. On our drive home, I played PMT for him in the car. I am sad to report that he didn’t laugh the entire trip home. He even went as far as to make bitchy comments about how we must have different senses of humor and I have never laughed like that anything he said.
Is this grounds for breaking up? How do you not find flames takes about Harambe/Muhammed Ali, Death’s man card, human flesh eating contests, the Mount Rushmore of hungover days and citizenship tests funny? Am I over reacting?
Also, the women of Barstool need to know – been noticing you refer to “us” “our” and “we” a lot when talking about things you do in NYC & the move. Are you off the market?
- C Rope
Sup?
I’m shocked that he didn’t at least do the thing guys do sometimes and pretend to take a interest in their girlfriends favorite activies. Thats a major red flag right there that he dosen’t even pretend to care about your obvious crush on me. Secretly hating your significant others passions and hobbies is usually a 6-8 month type of move so its kind of unusual to see this happen so quickly. I would test the boundaries with a fake break-up and see how he reacts.
If you do want to hang on to him I have a suggestion that might just put your relationship back together. Here’s what you do: incorporate Pardon My Take into your love-making by playing old epsodes on a stereo instead of setting the mood with R&B or Tears In Heaven. That way he learns to assocate the sound of our voices with pleasure, and you get to basically have a 4-way every time you do it. Win win. Next thing you know, he will be a subliminal PMT fan and you’ll be like “hey babe you want to do mouth stuff” and he’ll be like “uh… ya think?”
I think its better if you don’t know if I’m single or not. That way either I’m forbidden fruit or I’m a obtainable fantasy. I’ll leave that up to you.
Dearest Ombudsman,
My friends think even with a billion dollars I have a better chance of flying to the moon than playing on an NFL team.
The hypothetical goes like this: If I hit on a billion dollar lottery ticket and could thus devote all my free time to one thing, after one entire year of training would I have a better shot at: A.) Being on an NFL roster and seeing playing time at any position other than punter, or B.) becoming accepted into the NASA space program?
Little background on me: 25 yrs old, 5’7, 135lb, recovering from a cracked a rib I got playing flag football-Matty
NFL roster and its not even close. Not that it would be easy at all but there is a negative infinity chance you could ever be a astronaut since they don’t exist. The space program was invented as a PsyOps organization in order to make the Russians think we were literally superheroes that secreted success out of every pore except our urethra which was still used for piss and semen. Have you ever looked up into space? Its huge. There’s no chance humans could ever design and build a 40,000 piece of metal that blasts itself up into the god damn sky by lighting old dinosaur bones on fire. If you actually think about space travel for two seconds youd realize that. If we’re following Occams razor here that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, its way more likey that we’re living in a giant episode of the Truman show and the sky is, as Incubus put it in the worst lyric of all time, a backlit canopy with holes punched in it. You’re not a large man and that’s ok, with a little bit of training you could be a holder or even a QB for the Browns.
Hello Ombudsman,
The dichotomy between Kobe Bryant’s retirement and Tim Duncan’s is pretty amazing and a microcosm of their respective careers. Kobe, always in the spotlight, went out with a year long farewell tour. Tim, never one for the spotlight, went out with barely any fanfare.Let me get right to the point. Each of these men accomplished a lot. Both beat Michael Jordan. Both beat LeBron James. Both won multiple NBA championships. But here’s my question for you: Do you think if Tim Duncan had beaten a felony charge (not even rape, just something like felony theft) he would have been equally celebrated on his way out the door?
Thats a great question. Its easy to be a NBA superstar if your a great player and never get accused of committing a terrible crime. Its almost taking the easy way out. They always say that your true character shines through when you go through adversity so its worth wondering- whats Tim Duncan trying to hide? The guy has never been in trouble, never even kidnapped or sexully assaulted anyone so we really have no clue how he would respond to such a situation. With Kobe we know he’s so singularly focused on winning championships that he literally thought a ring would be the best way out of it. Duncan would probably just put on his sourpuss face and ask Pop to bail him out.
Hey PFT,
My boss is a huge soccer guy, which is one of the most annoying guys in all of sports. I played football in college (American football) so he assumes that because I’m a former athlete that I give a shit about Ronaldo’s legacy, and the euro league and shit like that. Without listening to PMT I wouldn’t be able to talk soccer at all. Now thanks to you I’m a bonafide soccer hooligan and I can at least lie about giving a shit about that stupid sport. Looks like I have a long career at this company, sitting in a cube and talking soccer with my boss.Thanks PFT,Hurricane
Hey your welcome “Hurricane.” Sweet brags in your email that you have a athletic past, a dumb nickname, and a job. They call that the Deion Sanders hat trick. The Euro league is actually a tournament kind of like World War One where every team just basically digs in and whoever can play the most boring defense without dying of starvation on the field ends up winning. Thats how you wind up with Portugal, Wales, and Italy in the quarterfinals. The only additional tip that I’ll give you when it comes to talking soccer is that you have to use the word “howler” a lot. I’m not sure what it means but if you say it people will assume your a big football lad.
And finally your online take of the week:
My HS friend just dropped the HOTTEST, completely serious, Pokemon GO take @BarstoolBigCat @PFTCommenter pic.twitter.com/BfX9X52TZK
— Not Tate Forcier (@JakeFGreen) July 15, 2016
This post is a work of art. First of all your absolutely right your grandfather didn’t storm the beach at Normandy so that his candyass grandson could play a video game- he did it so his grandson could log into a photosharing app where people give literally purple hearts for selfies. You know what the original selfie was? The look in a mans eyes as he takes his last breath after you stabbed him with a goverment issued bayonet. Secondly I bet your grandfather would thank you for your service posting a complaint online which is basically the milleneal equivlant of fighting a land war in Europe. There are any number of things you could of been choosing to selfishly do instead of selflessly donating your takes to the world- things like shooting something, going to strip clubs, filing a appeal for a extension on your unemployment benefits, asking a mother in front of you at the grocery store if she should really be buying the flavored version of pedialyte with her EBT card, meeting with your tax attorney, giving yourself a stussy S tattoo by burning your own skin with a magnifying glass out in the sun, or watching porn on a bus. So thank you for your service.