They Found That Japanese Kid Whose Parents Left Him In Bear-Infested Woods! Throw Up The Deuces Son!

Tokyo (CNN)- A missing 7-year-old boy, who was left on a mountain roadside by his parents for misbehaving, was found unharmed after searchers spent nearly a week combing dense forest on the northern Japanese island of Hokkaido, officials said Friday. He was discovered in a hut at a military exercise ground about 4 miles (6 kilometers) from the spot where he was left. Takayuki Tanooka, the father of the boy, said he was “very sorry” for what happened to his son and regretted the punishment. “I told my son that I am sorry that I made him go through a very hard situation. He nodded to me,” Tanooka said at a press conference after being reunited with his son. Three soldiers from Japan’s Self-Defense Forces found Yamato Tanooka on the premises of the military’s Komagatake exercise field Friday morning, said Hiroki Komori, a spokesman for the Northern Army 11th Brigade. The boy told them he was hungry. The soldiers gave him water and two rice balls, and said that the boy was fine and talking normally.

WOOOOOOOOW. THROW UP THE DECUES! I’m shocked they found this little fucker. Tough to get left in bear-infested woods for a week and live to tell about it. Bear Grylls is impressed. This might be weird to say but part of me is willing to bet his parents were hoping they’d never find him. That sounds horrible and awful and it is but I bet it’s true. For a couple reasons. One, KFC’s experiences with a small child have made me seriously consider getting a vasectomy. And two, this kid has a trump card for the rest of his life. From here on out, that kid has a get-out-of-jail-free card. “Hey you were out after curfew.” Hey remember that time you left me in the woods to get ripped to shreds by bears? I’ll stay out as late as I damn well please. “Don’t do drugs.” Don’t leave me in the damn woods. And on and on and on it’ll go. They can never punish him ever again cause he’ll always have the upper hand. Having a kid already sounds awful. Having a kid who has a comeback for life sounds like hell on Earth. His parents for sure wish the search party came up empty.