Game of Thrones Preview MegaBlog

You feel that? You smell that in the air? That’s the smell of it being the best season of the year. Better than Christmas season. Better than the NFL season. Better than wedding crashing season. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, IT’S GAME OF THRONES SEASON. SOMEONE HIT THE HOT 97 AIR HORNS.

Game of Thrones is a show that needs no introduction. Game of Thrones at it’s best is hands down the most entertaining show on television. I am not exaggerating when I say watching it is the best hour of my week, every week. It’s the only show that consistently makes me focus for an hour without talking to anybody, checking my phone, going on my laptop, or flipping around to see what else is on. I’m the picture of the multitasking #millennial , if I saw Christ himself resurrect in front of me I would probably still look down at my phone halfway through to see if Kanye is tweeting again. But Thrones? I lock in with the intensity and focus of a fifth-grader trying to discern shapes through the static of a scrambled porn channel. Getting America’s full, undivided attention for an hour a week is Thrones most impressive feat.

But no matter how hard you focus, there are going to be some things you miss. After all, Game of Thrones is the most sprawling, cinematic, epic-in-scope show in TV history. At any given time there are half a dozen or more storylines, all as layered, complicated, and intertwined as the next. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track. So this is why I wrote the GAME OF THRONES PREVIEW MEGABLOG, with refreshers on where we are in every storyline, some analysis of that storyline, and my predictions moving forward. The TV show is ahead of the books now, so no worries about any book spoilers (I don’t read ahead of the TV show anyway). Let’s roll.

ARYA IN BRAAVOS

Refresher: When we last left Arya, she is continuing to serve in the House of Black and White: the ancestral home and headquarters for the Faceless Men, an ancient and deadly order of assassins. But the marriage wasn’t exactly a perfect fit: Arya joined because she wanted to learn to take life as effectively as she could, a logical step in her overall character arc from innocent girl to cold-blooded killer. What she didn’t consider or count on was the Faceless Men are more than just paid murderers, but are also a highly devoted religious order dedicated to serving the Many Faced Man. The philosophy of the Many Faced Man is a quasi-Unitarian belief that all the different religions of Westeros and Essos are just different names and labels that separate cultures used for the one true God, who is the God of death. They worship him with icons the other Gods of death in other religions, and serve him by giving “the gift” of death when they believe he demands it. But Arya doesn’t really give a fuck about any of that, she just wants to smoke fools who she thinks deserves it, a direct affront to a religion who believes killing is something sacred and holy that should be done under God’s approval. So when Arya disobeyed this religion by taking it upon herself to brutally slaughter Kingsguard and kid-rapist Meryn Trant, she was repaid for her sin by her mentor seemingly killing himself, only to reveal it might not have been him at all. Or maybe it was. She has no idea and neither do we. And that’s the point. Nobody is anybody is The House of Black and White, and to serve there requires a complete loss of identity. Arya went blind through some force of magic as she cried out in confusion over what was going on, and we got the sense her real training as a Faceless Man was about to truly begin.

Analysis: Arya being one of the Faceless Men makes no sense in any sense other than her being a lost soul with nowhere else to turn. Arya’s defining characteristic throughout the entire show is her fierce individualism: she rejects gender roles, age roles, and class roles every opportunity she has in order to be the person she wants to be. So she joins the one order where there creed is literally to become “Nobody’? Sounds completely antithetical to everything we know about Arya and the person she is, no matter how much of a killer she wants to be. Even beyond the disobedience she showed in killing Meryn Trant before the Faceless God said she could take a life, her hiding her sword Needle instead of throwing it in the bay proves she isn’t completely bought into the idea of being an anonymous assassin serving a foreign God. Therefore…

Prediction: I think she never will. Arya will go through her training with the Faceless Men, learning how to kill and continue serving the House of the Black and White. But it will all come to a head sometime this season, and she will attempt to escape. Will her escaping make her the #1 enemy of the one group of people you really, really, really, really wouldn’t want to fuck with in all of Westeros and Essos? Very possibly, and that could be the end of her eventually. But Arya is motivated, above all else, by her list of special names of folks she’d dearly like to slide a blade across their throats. She’s already watched the carnage of Westeros cheat her out of a few of those names by claiming their lives instead of her being the one to do it. I think Arya escapes the order and comes back to Kings Landing on a mission to take out some Lannisters. All around is in a better situation than her sister though, who right now is….

SANSA AND REEK ARE ON THE RUN

Refresher: Worst. Buddy Cop. Movie. Ever. Poor Sansa hasn’t been able to catch a break all series. After the Purple Wedding, Sansa finally escaped the Lannister-imposed hell she found herself in in Kings Landing, and for a moment looked like she had maybe found a quiet home in The Vale where she could knit, deal with her PTSD, stave off Petyr Baelish’s sexual advances, and finally get some reading done. You know, normal 20 year old stuff. Unfortunately even being the daughter of the only person Petyr has ever cared about isn’t enough to make you exempt from his manipulations. Baelish sent her off to get married to Ramsay Bolton, a character from the darkest part of George RR Martin’s sick mind, where she was subjected to her worst torture yet. Every attempt to escape or improve her situation resulted in someone else’s death and mutilation, and thinks looked worse than ever for Sansa. That was until a moment of redemption for Reek, who pushed Ramsay’s equally sadistic mistress off a wall, killing her, and escaping with Sansa. Now Sansa is out in the brutal North with nothing but a dickless traitor and her last name to help, and Winter is very much coming.

Analysis: Sansa has to win one eventually. She just has to. Unless GRRM put this girl in the story just to constantly beat up on her, there’s no way they can keep subjecting her to this type of cruelty without any sort of payoff. The North Remembers, and it’s loyalty to the Starks is absolute. That has to come into play at some point, and the cunning and political manipulation skills that she has picked up and occasionally flashed have to serve her at some point. This is why I think she…

Prediction: Links up with a family still loyal to the Starks, rallies some bannermen, and leads the rebellion against the Bolton-led North. The North is better than the other six kingdoms combined, and it’s oft-repeated conventional wisdom in Westeros that “The North cannot be had.” There’s no way it can be held for an extended period of time by a family it despises, and I think the North is ripe for a rebellion against it’s flaying wardens. The rebellion won’t happen this season, but Sansa begins the preparations for it by rallying her kinsmen in the Vale, the assorted families still loyal to the Starks, and maybe some magic. What magic? Oh yeah you forgot about Bran didn’t ya?

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BRAN

Refresher: Bran didn’t appear at all in the last season. The last time we saw Bran, he had just followed the creepiest Brother-Sister pair this side of the McPoyles on a mysterious journey to some sort of promised land, the reasons for which remain vague and open to speculation. Once he got there, some wights (perfect name cause you can think of them as Whitewalker Lights) rose from the ground and tried to slaughter him, but a quick warg into Hodor and some fireballs from a Child of the Forrest (a mysterious race of elvish creatures who inhabited Westeros before the war with the First Men – – humans – – forced them into hiding) protected him. Since then, Bran has been training with the Three Eyed Raven, another mysterious and seemingly ancient being, on his powers of magic and mysticism. You’ll notice the words that keep coming up in the Bran storyline are “mysterious” and “ancient” and stuff like that.

Analysis: George RR Martin says all fantasy needs magic, because without magic fantasy is just historical fiction about history that didn’t actually happen. Bran is that element of fantasy. I assume his relationship with the Three Eyed Raven will be used to introduce the TV audience to some of the mythology and ancient secrets of Westeros that book readers are more familiar with, as well as shed some light for all of us about exactly what the nature of magic in Westeros exactly is and how it works.

Prediction: Bran will be used to fight White Walkers. I don’t think there will be any doubt about that. His storyline will be inextricably tied to the direction of the White Walker storyline. So let’s talk about them.

WHITE WALKERS

Refresher: The White Walker path of destruction continues, with seemingly nothing capable of stopping it except fire, dragonglass and Valaryian steel. The motivations of the White Walkers remain frustratingly unclear. Who are they, what they want, how sentient are they, are they inherently evil or we just don’t understand them? For something that is a signature part of the show, we seem to rarely see the White Walkers and have much more questions about them than answers. All we really know is that they are massing, and they are coming.

Analysis: There are a lot of theories about the White Walkers. Some believe their leader is a former disgraced Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch who was related to the Starks named the King of the Night. Some believe they aren’t as evil as we think. Some think the title of the book, A Song of Ice and Fire, refers to a final battle between the dragons and the Walkers for world supremacy, that Jon Snow and Dany will have some sort of role in. There are a ton of theories to be had about the White Walkers because, again, we don’t really know anything about them.

Prediction: I don’t think we’re going to find out much about the White Walkers this season and the scenes of them in the previews is just HBO tickling our balls. It’s clear that the White Walkers will someday become the central part of the entire narrative, the very first scene of the show wouldn’t have been about them if that wasn’t the case, but I think it’s something that won’t be fully addressed except a battle scene or two until later seasons. I hope I’m wrong. Of course the man best equipped to deal with them is…

ZOMBIE JON SNOW

Refresher: We last saw him stabbed and it unclear if he is dead or he isn’t dead. HBO insists he is dead.

Analysis: He isn’t dead.

Prediction: Jon Snow rises from the dead given a little magic from the Woman in Red who very conveniently just showed up at the Wall as soon as that little fucker Olly put a knife through his heart. However, his experience on the other side gives him insight as to the otherworldly means he will need to defeat the White Walkers, and possibly help him tap into the magic that his half-brother Bran possesses. Jon Snow, along with Tyrion and Khaleesi, are the central characters for Game of Thrones and there is no way, just absolutely no way, even for George RR Martin’s crazy-ass everybody-is-expendable style of writing that someone as important to the plot can die as unceremoniously as a jealous rival and some disenchanted former rapists stabbing him in the back. There’s just no way. I also think we’re going to find out who his parents are (Google R+L=J if you don’t know what that is for the theory I think has the most credence) which could lead to some Battle of the Tower of Joy flashbacks which would be SO FUCKING LIT. I have no segue for the next preview so here it is.

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CERCEI LOOKING FOR REVENGE

Refresher: We all remember Cercei’s walk of shame that left her publicly humiliated and vulnerable in a way she has never been before. Cercei arming the Faith Militant in Kings Landing as a next level petty power play to remind Maergery Tyrell who’s boss bitch in the Capital backfired worse Germany deciding to surprise invade Russia. So you have a pissed off Cercei who has reason to despire the entire population of the city she lords over, a weak king she can bully into submission, and a weapon the likes of which she’s never had before: Zombie Gregor Clegane, aka Mountainstein, the Mountain (remember the guy who killed Oberyn in the trial by combat?) with the poison flushed out of his system and basically turned into an eight-foot mute mound of muscle.

Analysis: Cercei is perfectly emblematic of the new dynamic in Game of Thrones. I wrote this a few months ago, but Thrones used to be a show about the clash of the titans: seemingly omnipotent houses throwing money and might at one another until the others buckle. But for the first time ever, the big dogs are all knocked off their feet: every single house is incredibly vulnerable in a glaring obvious way, and citizen rebellions from people like the Faith Militant, who were never even considered during the War of the Five Kings, suddenly look like they can be a very, very, very big problem. Cercei is the ultimate symbol of regency and upper-class snobbery in the Game of Thrones world, spending most of her time looking down her nose at everyone she meets and ordering her guards to spit on them for her. How she, and the rest of the houses, pick themselves up from their recent humiliations will define the rest of the show.

Prediction: Hell hath no fury like a woman scored, and Cercei has excellent reason to be very, very, very, very pissed off. Jamie, probably the only person alive capable of restraining her and reasoning with her, just saw their daughter die in front of his eyes. So I don’t think he’s going to feel like holding hands and singing Kumbaya with anyone anytime soon. Add in the fact GRRM saw it fit to arm them with a pulverizing killing Machine like the Mountain, and I think you are going to see some serious ass-kickings delivered by the Lannisters this season. But she isn’t the only Lannister in charge of a city these days…

TYRION IN CHARGE OF MEREEN

Refresher: While Khalessi is out in the wilderness having been taking out of Mereen by her deus ex dragon, and Jorah and Daario are on horseback out to discuss finding her amongst other awkward conversation, Tyrion is back doing what he does best: administrating. Tyrion seemed to come out of his deep depression slightly towards the end of the season with his mind being occupied at the Mother of Dragons side, but an already bitter and cynical man has been hardened into being even more bitter and more cynical. We have a new Tyrion, a harder and darker Tyrion, than we had when he was running the show in Kings Landing as the Hand of the King, which will hopefully serve him well as he has the car keys to a city on the brink of a class civil war.

Analysis: Tyrion doesn’t care if he lives or dies anymore: his life at this point has been a series of insults and disappointments, and there is no one left in the world that genuinely cares about him (at least while Jaime is hung up on that “murdered our father” thing, Bronn is Bronn, and Varys is Varys.) The only reason I think he has for existing, other than tits and wine of course, is to work to make the world a better place. Tyrion has always had a soft spot for the weak and powerless, knowing exactly what that feels like but still having the last name and stature to try to fix all the injustices in some small way. I think we’ll see a Tyrion single-mindedly devoted to serving the greater good. Oh yeah, and revenge on the rest of his family he left alive.

Prediction: Tyrion does an admirable job running Mereen with Varys, pulling the city back in from the brink of civil war to an example of a prosperous, peaceful, and free city. That is until Khaleesi comes back and…wait let’s actually talk about her.

KHALEESI SURROUNDED BY DORTHRAKI

Refresher: Poor, poor Daeny. She spent her childhood wandering around Essos, begging and helpless, and now she finds herself in the same exact position. At least this time she doesn’t have her unbearably douchey brother around to make it even worse. Daenerys having been separated from Drogon finds herself surrounded by Dorthraki horsemen; Dorthraki horsemen who either have no idea who she is, or more likely know EXACTLY who she is and last remember her allowing a witch to kill their beloved Khal. I don’t think it’ll be that happy of a family reunion.

Analysis: Daeny, as much as we all love her, has broken all three of the cardinal sins of the Game of Thrones universe: Don’t think you know what you don’t know, always be aware of your own weaknesses (check). Always being willing to sacrafice your values for pragmatism (check). And finally, don’t attend weddings (check). None of them have resulted in her demise or ultimate downfall yet, but I think eventually these qualities are her biggest weakness.

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Prediction: I think the Dorthraki thing is just a cliffhanger and she’ll be in Mereen soon enough. The only possible way to advance the plot for her and take more steps towards her ultimate destiny, trying to seize Westeros by fire and blood, is for her to be with her Unsullied, dragons, and aides-de-camp. Or this Dorthraki thing will drag out forever and is another detour of the Daenerys story arc, in which case we’ll storm George RR Martin’s home with torches and pitchforks.

So that’s the preview. Thanks for taking 7 hours out of your day to read it. I won’t be livetweeting episodes, but will doing episode recaps every week to be published each Monday here on Barstool New York, as well as talking about the show throughout the week. Follow @CharlieWisco .