With The Unofficial Arrival Of Summer, Here Are My Official Power Rankings Of Treats You Can Get From The Ice Cream Truck
I had a few people ask me what my favorite treat from the ice cream man was, so I figured there was no better time to write a blog about it than on the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend. The warm weather is here, the pools and beaches are open, and cube monkeys are counting down the milliseconds until the hell out of the cubes to ring in the summer. So here are my picks.
Candy Division Champion: Big League Chew
When I think of the ice cream truck, I am usually thinking summer or little league games as a kid. And if you are thinking about little league, you are thinking of packing a massive lipper like Matt Harvey with some Big League Chew. And if we are picking a specific flavor, it’s Ground Ball Grape every single time.
Non-Ice Cream, Non-Candy Division Champion: David Sunflower Seeds.
Like I mentioned on this week’s KFC Radio, I love sunflower seeds. I used to get the giant Costco buckets of them for the summer and just plow through them while playing wiffle ball. As I have gotten older, I admit that I am starting to get washed up. I do love for the low salt version if possible because my mouth burns like Jimmy Douggan’s dick once did. Also I feel like David’s has tricked us by selling smaller seeds in their regular bag so we have to buy jumbo to get a good seed. And that is a goddamn shame.
Now lets move on to the frozen treats.
10. Firecracker
This is basically an honorable mention for me since I don’t like Firecrackers. I’m not a huge blue raspberry guy and the lemon isn’t great. But they are so American, I would be remiss to leave them off the list entirely.
9. Chocolate Eclair/Strawberry Shortcake/Almond Crunch/etc.
Basically all the same, just changes on what you are in the mood for that day. I feel like back in the day, these Good Humor flavors ruled the roost. But time has pass all of them by as the ice cream industry had its revolution. But again, out of respect for America, I have included them on the list.
8. Push Up Pop
The Push Up Pop makes the list because it had such a unique consistency and made sherbert hot in the streets again. And I call it sherbert. Fuck that sherbet nonsense.
Also, the Flintstones need to be on the Push Up Pops to make them list worthy. Not sure why this is, but it just doesn’t feel right without a Flintstone on that cardboard that you usually end up sucking on by the end.
7. Drumstick
I don’t think I need to do much to sing the Drumstick’s praises. It is an icon in the game. But I will say that when you forget that the bottom of the drumstick has fudge inside, it gives you a feeling usually reserved when you are between the sheets with your lover.
Sorry, I just wanted to be gross and say the word lover. Such a creep word.
6. Bubble Play
A classically underrated treat. Really good cherry flavor and the baseball gum had seams, which was appreciated. However, Bubble Play loses points because the gum would lose its flavor in 5 seconds flat and the gumball may have shattered your teeth if you bit into it while it still was frozen solid. If you weren’t taught how to eat a Bubble Play the right way the first time you had one, you were probably going to the dentist later that day for emergency surgery.
And please don’t chirp me about Sonic The Hedgehog, the Ninja Turtles, or Spongebob versions of this. Bubble Play owns the bubble gum + ice cream corner because I’m American.
5. Snickers Ice Cream Bar
I could be wrong about this, but I feel like I remember when these things first hit the streets and it was an absolute GAME CHANGER. It was like when Jenna Jameson took over the porn world. You just knew you were watching greatness the moment you set your eyes on it.
4. Ice Cream Sandwich
Old faithful. Whoever perfected the softness of those two wafers and the ice cream should be inducted into the American Hall of Fame. Is there an American Hall of Fame? If not, we need an American Hall of Fame and the ice cream sandwich inventor is a first ballot inductee. I don’t care if he is from another country or what. He’s American now and he’s going into our Hall of Fame.
3. Chipwich
The evolutionary ice cream sandwich. If the ice cream sandwich is Avon Barksdale, then the Chipwich is Marlo Stanfield. The game’s the same, it just got more fierce.
2. Choco Taco
I think the Choco Taco is the best ice cream treat in the game. A+ name. A+ game. Everything you want in an ice cream treat. It would be number 1 with a bullet if not for nostalgia and such a unique blend of ingredients. But just know that I have NOTHING but love for the Choco Taco in my heart, even if it is rated 2. It is the 2012 Mike Trout of this list.
1. WWF Ice Cream Bars
And here is our 2012 Miguel Cabrera (even though I still think Mike Trout should have been the MVP that season). The WWF Ice Cream bars were sooooo fucking good and sooooo fucking awesome just because they had the wrestlers on the pops back in the 90s. How did they have the technology for that back then? The precision of those graphics printed on a soft cookie is is the clearest proof for me that aliens exist and their technology is used in today’s society. And lets not forgot that you got a free wrestling card with every bar. I’m pretty sure if you pull out one of those cards at any given moment, you instantly get laid. Actually that may not be true, but it should be.
Unfortunately for me, my ice cream man drives in a sketchy van and absolutely cruises in my quiet neighborhood. His music is perfect though.
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I’ve gotten some chirps about Screwballs. I’ve never had a Screwball. I’ll give them a chance this summer for #content. But I doubt they are going to crack that list full of greatness and American legends
Also, just because any ice cream blog should end with this video, here is a YouTube Hall of Famer.
And if you are still stuck in the cubes and want to hear my takes on some more snacks, here is my 15 second food review channel. Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone!