LIRR Delayed 1 Billion Hours This Morning

Gooooood Morning, Vietnam!!! How are all my Long Island commuters doing this morning? You’re probably not reading this. Because you’re probably either dangling from the outside of an overcrowded train like you’re in Uttar Pradesh:

Or you’re face down dead on the tracks because when a train finally did come you just jumped in front of it.

Delays on ALL LIRR lines this morning. Complete and utter chaos because of signal problems. Not a derailment. Not weather. Just the good old LIRR screwing up their signals. Thats Long Island life for you! Getting on and off LI is the worst thing any human can endure. Seriously I think the 7 levels of hell are just all the different ways you travel to and from that godforsaken island. Whether you’re sitting on the parking lot that is the LIE or standing on the platform at Jamaica where 3,000 trains converge waiting for a connecting train thats never coming, you’re just slowly plunging into Dante’s Inferno.

Long Island is strictly for people who never need to leave Long Island. Either you live right around the corner from your job and can drive there or you’re a stay at home parent or you’re retired or something. Thats it. If you have to get in and out of New York City, you have to be a goddam lunatic to live on the Island. There’s just like 50 billion people crammed together out there and they all get funneled into about 3 train tracks. The beaches are amazing and the houses are beautiful and the schools are good and yada yada yada. All that nonsense is gravy. But getting to work is the worst thing imaginable. Stand on the platform for an hour and then finally you get on your train and ride 45 mins into the city and whats you’re reward?? PENN STATION. That absolute bottom of the Underworld. And then you transfer to the subway! Where you end up like this chick:

150% chance this girl murders someone in cold blood.

And then at the end of your long, harrowing journey…you arrive at your cube. Do the reverse commute to get back home and then start all over again in the morning. Seriously if that doesnt sound like eternal damnation I dont know what does.