50 Years Ago Today, the World Witnessed the Greatest Moment in the History of Reality TV and Athletic Competition
November 13th is a date I have had marked in my calendar for weeks. Because I simply could not pass up the opportunity to tell the tale of one of the most astonishing moments these eyes have seen. Like the elder in a tribe, sitting by the fire, telling tales of the mighty heroes of his youth, I want the young ones to know of our history. Of the great battles that were fought. The impossible feats that were achieved. And to be reassured that this tale is no mere legend. It happened. I know. I was there, in the Long, Long Ago.
The date was November 13, 1976. The place was ABC. The event, was Battle of the Network Stars. Back in a time when true celebrity still existed. Where the people whose images were projected in low resolution on the screen of that clunky piece of furniture sitting in front of your parents' couch were somehow larger than life. It was an Analog Age. Where the people who were supposed to entertain the masses didn't get on media every day and lecture the great unwashed about how the world should work. They simply went about the business of being fabulous. Of being TV stars. Which made them into mythic figures. Better than us mere mortals. Metahumans.
And so the premise of Battle of the Network Stars was to give them a new and different way of being amazing. To break character for a while, while showing off their athletic skills. And also to get the Wonder Woman's Lynda Carter in a tank top and shorts and put Bosom Buddies Donna Dixon in a swimming pool. But not before Howard Cosell put his arm around her and told her how pretty she was:
It was a different time. And one that was captured best by SNL's legendary "Battle of the Network T's and A's.":
"All the biggest stars! With the biggest T's! And the nicest A's!" Yup, that pretty much sums it up. But you wouldn't have known this special only existed to speed up my puberty, or as cheap programming, by the way Cosell made every preposterous event sound like a fight for the heavyweight title. Or the way Bruce Jenner, who was still fresh from winning Gold in the Olympic Decathlon and becoming the very symbol of American manhood across the globe (I pause here for some quiet reflection), treated these stars of sitcoms and cop shows like they were true athletes.
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And so it came that there was some kind of a beef about an alleged rules violation. Someone from the NBC team allegedly left too soon in a relay race. Or something. It's not really important. What we're gather together to discuss is how the dispute was settled.
In the one corner, we had stand up comedian Gabe Kaplan of Welcome Back, Kotter. A sitcom about a frumpy school teacher who goes back to teach at the same run down Brooklyn high school he graduated from. Otherwise remembered as the show that launched John Travolta's career, Kaplan walked through every episode looking like an unmade bed, and making jokes about what a slob he is.
In the other corner, was Robert Conrad of NBC. At the time he was starring in Baa, Baa Black Sheep, playing real life WWII squadron commander Pappy Boyington, flying missions in the South Pacific. Conrad exclusively played tough guy roles. Most notably. as US secret agent James West in Wild, Wild West, who never ended an episode without shooting a bad guy dead and letting the femme fatale get into his absurdly tight pants:
Just to cement his reputation as a badass during "BotNS," while he, Kaplan, and CBS's Telly Savalas (Kojak) were sorting out this business of the relay race, Conrad made this joke. "He [Savalas] is Greek. And the Greek are famous athletes. That's how this all started. He's [Kaplan] Jewish; he wants to arbitrate! I'm German. I vant to keel both ov dem!"
To repeat, it was a different time.
And so it was agreed. The beef would be settled one way. Head to head. Mano y mano. A footrace between the dumpy looking guy in the '70s afro, versus the guy who looked like the model in a men's underwear ad come to life. A footrace, for all the marbles. As the world (at least the part of the world who watched way too much TV and hadn't turned off this slop) looked on in amazement:
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Kaplan not only won, he blew by the comptetition like Conrad was standing still. The last half of that sprint looked like Secretariat at the Belmont. If the race had gone on any longer, he'd have lapped the more slender, supposedly fitter guy. But he left no doubt who the dominant athlete was.
Watch until the end of that clip and I leave it to you to determine of Conrad was being gracious in accepting defeat, or whether he was being condescending with that little cheek slap and not mentioning Kaplan by name. All I know is that under that between that thick mustache and bushy hair, I see the eyes of a killer. A true Alpha making his defeated rival assume the submissive pose.
Gather around, young ones, and hear my words. In the many, many moons I have seen, these eyes have beheld many wonders. Surprising victories, worthy of song. The Miracle on Ice. Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson. Villanova over Georgetown. 18-1. But none has ever topped Mr. Kotter out-running James West. Keep the memory of this alive for future generations. An event like this comes but once.
PS. Just because I love this clip, and this is probably the only excuse I'll ever have to use it in a blog, let me shoehorn SCTV's "Battle of the PBS Stars" into this one. This was the best cast in the history of sketch comedy: