And Now, the Moment Nobody's Been Waiting For: Antonio Brown is Trying Stand Up Comedy

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If you'd told me that by late 2026, Antonio Brown's daily routine would consist of three hots and a cot, an orange jumpsuit, and preferential treatment at the weight bench in the yard, I'd have had no problems believing you:

But fate - and a deal with prosecutors - had other plans for Antonio. Like Big Ern McCracken after he won the Odor Eaters Bowling Championship and declared, "All I know is, I finally got enough money that I can buy my way out of anything. I can do anything I want when I get my money later. And I won! Finally, Big Ern is above the law! It’s a great feeling." Brown bought his way out of trouble. 

And so now, not facing a routine of utility-grade food served on a metal tray, Brown is working on a much different routine. One no one could've ever predicted when he was halfway around the world trying to evade capture like he's Bin Laden. He's trying his hand at comedy:

Where does one even begin with this? Let's start with the price. You have to admire the audacity of a guy trying comedy for the very first time in his life asking for 72 bucks a ticket. When Bill Burr sold out Fenway, prices started at $69. When Shane Gillis played Lincoln Financial in Philadelphia, the average tickets ranged from $40-$62. Those guys are lifelong comics with decades of experience and massive national audiences. Antonio Brown ran routes and caught footballs until he quit in the middle of a game five years ago. And while I can't be sure of the going rate for meet-and-greets, 215 bucks sounds to me what you'd expect to pay if you wanted to get your teenage daughter a photo op with Blackpink. And not guys who embody one of the great wastes of athletic talent in the history of football who alienated every fan base that ever rooted for them. 

Next, let's look at the venue. I've been doing stand up in New England since I first went on stage in 1990. And I swear on my mother I've never heard of the New England Comedy Club. A check of the Eventbrite gives a Harvard Square address. Harvard Square was known before my time as the site of the legendary Ding Ho, where all the great comics that came out of Boston in the '80s performed. And the third show I ever did was a showcase at the Catch a Rising Star there and was hosted by David Cross. (On a personal note, I was on a second date with a girl who lived a couple of Red Line stops away. Cross was being super condescending to me. Which, looking back, I think I probably deserved. I was still figuring things out. But that particular audience was also not into him, and he was kind of eating it. And at one point a total stranger from a few tables away yelled, "Put Jerry back up! He was funny!" And my date and I just had our 33rd wedding anniversary. So if you're out there, thank you, Random Comedy Fan.) And there's been a few various rooms around there for comics to get stage time and work on new material in that vicinity. But this place is a new one on me. Here's the Google Street View:

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I don't see any signage. But that doesn't mean it doesn't exist as a comedy venue. It's just not a "club" in the way you think of Nick's, Giggles, or The Connection.

Most importantly, one can only imagine what Brown's material is going to be. Like any Open Miker doing his first show, he's going to rely heavily on dick jokes. Street jokes. "A woman goes to her gynecologist …" etc. Unoriginal lifted from actual comics. Material someone he hired wrote for him, that he'll no doubt be reading off a sheets of paper he's got on the stool next to him. 

But anyone in New England so easily duped that they'll shell out a few hundred bucks to shake Mr. Big Chest's hand and grab a photo isn't going to hear his takes on airplane food, the McDonald's drive-thru and drunk driving. They're going to hear his NFL material. 

"I averaged like 1,400 yards a season in Pittsburgh and still made everyone miserable!  Heyyy-ooo!"

"One time after a playoff game, Mike Tomlin was in the locker room, telling us to watch the social media stuff. While I was livestreaming it! Crazy, right? I even put him out on the internet calling the Patriots 'Them assholes!' Wakka wakka!"

"One time, I missed Raiders training camp because I got my feet frozen in Europe! And made them release me because I wouldn't wear the new helmet! Wild, right?"

"The Patriot needed me to not be crazy for five months. But I sent a threatening text to one of my accusers that included a picture of her kids! I lasted 11 days!!!" Rimshot!

"Tom Brady let me move into his house and live with his wife and kids. Twice! He even threw me a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl! And after I quit, I keptTweeting that I was fucking his wife! Whoop! Whoop!" 

"My name is Antonio Brown! You guys have been great! Goodnight everybody!"

I mean, it's safe to say he's not going to be doing Dennis Miller bits about Francois Truffault films and Starbucks baristas  promoting race relations. 

Although now that I'm thinking about Brown, and looking back at his 12 years in the NFL, it seems like the most likely outcome is that he's going to bail on this show at a last minute and leave the dozen or so people dumb enough to fall for this scam trying to get a refund. After all, there's a pattern here. And it's more likely than not that the only joke of the night will be on the audience. 

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