Some Real Assholes Ran a 15-Year Breeding Program to Bring The Worst Thing in The World Back From Extinction

The Guardian – The population of New Zealand’s endemic wētāpunga – believed to be the world’s heaviest insect – is officially “increasing” thanks to a groundbreaking breeding programme that has overseen the release of 11,000 insects into the wild.
“The future of wētāpunga is looking bright,” said Dr Chris Green, an honorary researcher at the department of conservation, who documented the success of the project for the New Zealand Journal of Zoology. Green co-authored a report released on 2 October that outlines the success of the breeding programme.

“Eleven thousand individuals for release is extraordinary and outstanding.”

A female wētāpunga can weigh as much as a mouse. Its body can grow up to 10cm long (nearly 4in) and its leg span can be as wide as 20cm.

It is the largest of 70 wētā species and was once found across parts of the North Island before predation from introduced species and habitat loss contributed to their decline. By the 1990s, they were considered “endangered” and are now presumed extinct in the wild on New Zealand’s mainland. The insects reside primarily on a smattering of predator-free islands in Auckland’s Hauraki Gulf and off the coast of Northland.

But their fortune is starting to change. Over the past 15 years, tens of thousands of wētāpunga have been bred at Butterfly Creek, a wildlife facility, and Auckland zoo, enabling the release of wētāpunga across new predator-free islands and some mainland reserves north of Auckland.

With all due respect to Dr. Chris Green and the New Zealand Journal of Zoology, "Fuck you". Fuck you for that. Those things were gone. Gone for good. And you just had to embark on a 15-year journey to bring them back.

Of all the animals in the world, why the wetapunga? What happened to reviving beloved, extinct species like the dodo bird or the woolly mammoth? What about dinosaurs? I'll take a tyrannosaurus rex over a wetapunga 100 times out of 100. 

Fuck it. Now that you've saved the worst thing in the world from extinction, what will you do next? Go back in time and clone baby Hitler? Is there a cockroach species in New York City that needs to multiply? You know what, I don't think we have any wetapungas here in the United States. Maybe drop some off here in Ohio. Anything to help boost the population of the most terrible species ever. 

What exactly is the wetapunga good for? "Enriching forest soils and preserving native biodiversity", "They serve as a unique link to ancient evolutionary history and help maintain balanced invertebrate and plant communities."

No thanks. Doesn't move the needle. Sounds like a bunch of nonsense to me. Find another way to enrich your forest soils, New Zealand. Ever heard of ScottsMiracle-Gro? It's not hard to find. You can pick it up at any Walmart or Tractor Supply Company.

Fucking, New Zealand. Good luck getting another Lord of the Rings shot in your dumb bug-infested country. Maybe you could get Elijah Wood back. He seems like he could be a weird insect guy. He kind of looks like one.

Jamie McCarthy. Getty Images.

But do you think Orlando Bloom's bougie ass is making a trip back to New Zealand to work on a set littered in these things? Yeah right.

Shutterstock Images.

Maybe we can get Thailand to take care of this problem for us. You seeing this, Thailand? You seeing these big juicy bugs that are as heavy as a mouse? I bet you could make a killing at your disgusting edible bugs market if you popped over to New Zealand and killed all of them. 

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Yuck. Yuck to all of you. Yuck to me for even writing this. I enjoyed no part of it. Congrats on your stupid bugs, New Zealand. I hate them.