The Haters Guide To The MLB Playoffs: Who To Root For If Your Team Has Been Eliminated
And just like that, baseball's regular season is over. 6 long months of constant games kicking you right in the dick over and over, nothing like the baseball season baby! If your team fell short and missed out on playing for October, it's now your time to shine. It's time to get those memes ready, get those nasty "Cancun" tweets ready, it's time to hate like you've never hated before. Few things in life better than watching a team you despise bow out early in the playoffs. There's just something so magical about seeing the Yankees choke it away again, or watching the Phillies not be able to finish again, baseball hate watches are different. So that's why I'm here to let you know who you should or shouldn't be rooting for if you're one of the losers like me and have no dog in this October fight. Let's go over team by team to see who you should be rooting against during this playoff run.
We're going 1-12 here, 1 being the team that is easiest to root for and why, 12 being the team that we should all be banding together to watch lose in horrific and embarrassing fashion.
Patrick McDermott. Getty Images.1. Milwaukee Brewers
How can you not root for this Brewers team? They've been one of the best teams in baseball the last few years, they've got some very lovable players like Jacob Misiorowski, everyone loves Christian Yelich, Luis Lara is a walking web gem, Bryce Turang is the best 2B in baseball, they've got some dudes. Small market like Milwaukee, no one ever gives them love, they're the best team in baseball this season and all anyone can talk about is the Dodgers, they've got that chip on their shoulder. I guess the Cubs fanbase hates this team but I can't think of a good reason why anyone else would not want to root for this team to win it all in October. The city itself rocks, they've got some great uniforms, fun old school manager, and old heads will LOVE how they play the game. Bunting guys over, take their walks, play proper defense, they're a managers dream. Very easy to pull for IMO, unless you're a Cubs fan.
MediaNews Group/Los Angeles Daily News via Getty Images. Getty Images.2. Los Angeles Dodgers
No one embraces the new age villain role better than these Dodgers and I love it. They're good, they know you hate them, they hear the chirps about the money situation with Mark Walter, they don't give a shit. They are going to put half their rotation on the IL and rest them until October so they're fresh and then roll out 5 Cy Young winners out of the bullpen. They have all-stars all around their lineup and they paid a shit ton for them, doesn't matter to them at all. No one glazes Shohei Ohtani like I do, obviously hasn't been his finest year but would it shock you if he goes on to hit 8 homers in October and somehow magically returns to the mound and an ERA under 2? Nope. Wouldn't shock me when Edwin Diaz turns the clock back and the trumpets work again, Tanner Scott turns into the arm they paid for, Glasnow is healthy again, Snell will shove, it will be very unfair. The lineup has its usual suspects, Freddie, Andy Pages, Kyle Tucker is starting to find it just in time. Chances are it's going to be a Dodgers' October, just like it usually is. I know I'm alone on this one, I have 0 problem with LA and I love Ohtani, sue me.
Meg Oliphant. Getty Images.
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3. San Diego Padres
Not much has changed with this Padres team over the years, they've got the big names, the big contracts and they haven't won anything. That's their story. They got the new ownership so maybe that will help them turn the tide. When you tune into the Padres game you'll hear about how Machado and Tatis Jr. had the rough first half, how Mason Miller still throws 183 MPH, how old Xander looks, but there will be some fun talking points if 20 year-old Ethan Salas makes the playoff roster. I've always liked the Padres, they seem like a very easy team to root for, somehow they make brown and yellow uniforms look good? Obviously heard nothing but good things about their ballpark and the city itself rocks. They usually go toe-to-toe with the Dodges too, they have no problem trying to mix it up with the big guys….they just can't win the October series when it matters. I mean that Dodgers - Padres series a few years go with the Machado and Roberts thing was great, Profar in the stands, it was great. I believe they wouldn't be able to matchup until the NLCS but if they could take down the Dodgers, they'd be America's team this October.
Jonathan Pensiero. Getty Images.4. Tampa Bay Rays
#RaysUp baby! I always have a hard time rooting for a divisional foe of my Orioles, but Tampa doesn't really stir up any hate like the other 4 teams do. Tampa feels harmless, they just play great baseball every year and they still somehow fly under the radar. They can always play the "we're always the little brother" card, they have the ultimate "small market" storyline and you can bet your ass their attendance and ballpark will come up in conversation during their series. From a player standpoint, they've got some studs who are very easy to pull for. Closer Bryan Baker is maybe the biggest Dozen fan in baseball, he was a HUGE Misfits fan, Junior Caminero is a full on 40 home run hitting freak of a 23 year-old, Yandy Diaz is a hitting machine, and as always they've got horses on the bump. No clue how they do it every year but they sleepwalk into 90+ wins every season with a group of guys you look at and go "who?". If you're not a 162er you won't recognize a handful of their regulars, but they got some damn good ballplayers. I just don't know who really hates the Rays, like does anyone have deep hate in their heart for them? Easy team to pull for IMO.
Jayden Mack. Getty Images.5. Chicago Cubs
The Cubs are this highy strictly because of PCA, he's pretty much the reason that the Cubs are fun and watchable. How can you not love a guy going 40/40. He's a legit superstar on every level, incredibly fast, makes fantastic plays in the field, bomb after bomb after bomb into the Wrigley crowd, he IS the Cubs. They were such an up and down team all season, it'll be interesting to see what version of the Cubs we get in October.
They do have some other guys who make watching fun, who knows if Bregman and his broken face and blood vessels will play, but that would be a great scene if he does make it back. We have the story from this week of Ian Happ wrapping a ball with $300 and throwing it into the stands to buy beer with, that's a move that will make a guy a national story. So anytime he does anything this October we'll get to hear about that story. Even though they won in 2016 they still kind of have that lovable loser tag on, so I can see people who don't have a dog in the fight rooting for them. I don't hate the Cubs, I don't love em. They're kind of just middle of the pack for me. Don't think they're the sexiest team but if they get hot they can be a fun watch.
Jack Casey/Atlanta Braves. Getty Images.6. Atlanta Braves
The rest of the teams from here on out are kinda just wallpaper. No one too exciting at all, including the Braves. I love watching Matt Olson slug baseballs, and when healthy Ronald Acuña Jr. is an MVP….he did just leave a game this week after fouling a ball off himself so who knows what version of himself that we're gonna see. Chris Sale throwing the ball like he is at this age is something to drool over, he's awesome to watch. Austin Riley isn't the player he used to be, Michael Harris II has been fantastic but idk if he really moves the needle from a "I gotta sit down and watch this guy". I think they're probably the easiest team to root for in that division, and especially since they're taking on the Phillies, much easier to root for than them. Just not a sexy team from the outside looking in. They're good, but I don't think they've got a storyline that will make you pull for them really, except the fact they're playing the Phils.
Boston Globe. Getty Images.7. Cleveland Guardians
Guardians doing Guardians things, winning the AL Central when at one point it looked like they were dead. Here they are with the 2 seed in the AL and grabbing a bye. You can just pencil them into the playoffs every year at this point, but they're doing it the same way they always have. Without big star power and just finding ways to get it done. Pitching staff is really good, lights out closer, and even with a tough, injury filled year for José Ramírez the offense found ways to get it done. They're fun to watch, Travis Bazzana is going to be a fun guy for years, Brayan Rocchio will have 2-3 clutch hits in October, Chase DeLauter will have fans singing about Montgomery County, Maryland with his walkout song and their arms with Parker Messick, Gavin Williams Tanner Bibee, Joey Cantillo will K pretty much everyone. I have them down here because they just don't jump off the diamond with excitement at you. They win games and thats what matters, but besides Jose, the big names aren't there. Good team, but the AL Central is just a bore to me, sorry Cleveland.
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Sydney Schneider. Getty Images.8. Chicago White Sox
Fun story all year, very thrilling to follow the bounce back from the awful season the last 2 years to where they are now….does that make the White Sox easy to root for? Not really for me. I'll say it, they still bore the hell out of me. Maybe I can't get the bad taste of the old White Sox out of my mouth, they're boring. If you've got a kid into Banana Ball I guess you can be pumped for Tristian Peters who is a hell of a player. Obviously Munetaka Murakami took the league by storm and was addicted to hitting homers. But to me they're just the same ole boring White Sox, can't tell you why but they don't excite me. Maybe it's how they kind of fell apart down the stretch and lost the division, they just don't move the needle for me. The fanbase will be rabid and crazy during their series, I just don't know if outside fans are going to be rooting for them. Sorry bout it, not a very root-able team in my eyes.
Houston Astros. Getty Images.9. Houston Astros
These ain't the Astros of old, folks. This is an Astros team that won their division at 81-81 and had to celebrate that division title in the clubhouse of a AAA stadium. That's not their fault, I just thought it was funny. They're just not very good, the only holdover from those cheating teams is Jose Altuve, and they have Yordan Alvarez who may be a top 3 hitter in baseball. That's it. They've got no juice currently. No one really hates them anymore because they are just kind of there. They're vanilla now. The whole AL West is just bleh, Houston included. But they wrapped up the West and good for them, it would have been even worse if the Rangers had gotten in. But this team is just a barrel of nothings, they don't have a fun story line to follow, they just have Yordan and thats it pretty much. Negative aura points for everything associated with the Astros right now. Just not sure they're a fun team to blindly throw your support behind.
Emilee Chinn. Getty Images.10. Philadelphia Phillies
These guys are kind of opposite of some of the other teams I've mentioned. They have the big names, they have the star power, they hit homers, they're cocky, they have great uniforms, their home playoff crowds are out of control…..but they're just dickheads all around. This is coming from a fan POV, I don't mind Harper or Schwarber or Bohm or Marsh or Luzardo or Nola or Wheeler or Sanchez or Turner…..the city and fans itself just make it so easy to root against them. Philadelphia is one of those cities where no matter where you're from you just automatically have a better day if their teams lose (except with the 76ers now, go Lebron). The way their fans tear down their own and lose their mind if they go 0-3, it's incredibly. So if you want maximum entertainment, you root for them to lose and for the fanbase to eat the team alive. That is why I have them so low, the circus act around the team itself is too good to pass up.
Maddie Malhotra/Boston Red Sox. Getty Images.11. Boston Red Sox
Nope, don't care about the record run they had in the middle of the season, doesn't matter to me. Can't and won't root for a Red Sox playoff run. Tolle is fun, Adley is the man but I refuse to put an ounce of support behind those guys. Can't do it, won't do it. I will watch NY - BOS with a headache the whole time, two unlikeable teams fighting to the death. I can, and will hate on them. Not sure why anyone outside the New England area would root for them in October.
Jim McIsaac. Getty Images.12. New York Yankees
Just the easiest team to root for of all time, it's not even close. Doesn't matter if they have Judge in the lineup or not, rooting against this team in October is fun. It's like watching Duke lose, it's like watching the Cowboys lose, it's like watching the Warriors lose, we all get joy out of it when it happens. This year will be no different, it's a shame they face the other very unrootable team in Boston, but believe me, I will be rooting my face off against whoever advances from that matchup. This is what hating is about, this is what you do when your team stinks, you sink your teeth into another team and drag them down. I like him on my fantasy team and he's going to win the Cy Young, but my goodness does Cam Schilttler make this team a billion times more unlikable too. The constant talking and whining about Boston and that situation, give it a break man, he brings a lot of the hate upon this team. We're all born to hate the Yankees, but sometimes these guys give us little handouts like that which make it so much easier to root against them. Dead last in who I'd root for in the playoffs and it's really not close. No one watches them and thinks "yeah, let's root for them if our team is out", that's how it should be. Hating the Yankees is as American as apple pie baby, let's enjoy our pie this October.
And there's your list, 1-12 of who you should and shouldn't root for this postseason. Hating on teams to get elimianted is one of my favorite things to do, now if you'll excsue me, I have to go put some more water in Cam Schlittler's mama's waterbowl. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!