When Drama Calls, I Answer - How A Week In Vegas On A Spring Break Reality Show With My Coworkers Helped Me Grow
First off, like all of my other Spring Break cast mates, I want to thank all of the behind the scenes talent. Tara and Rob run that place like the navy and make it possible for us all to look interesting while doing some of the coolest things we’ve ever done, or will do in our lives. Without them and the rest of the crew that runs on no sleep, portable phone chargers and a thirst for getting the best clip out there, we would just be a wide range of unlikely friends and drunk assholes running around Las Vegas. The patience and organization they have is what truly helps us to shine and for that, I know we are all eternally grateful.
I never thought I would agree to do this new reality installment in the Barstool universe. I was absolutely addicted to Beach House last summer, but the entire time I kept thinking about how much anxiety I would have being filmed through every mood, no sleep, mostly drunk and in a setting designed for debauchery. I worried about how I would look physically, up against a bunch of hot girls who are 5-10 years younger than me. I worried about the online response, being a 35 year old unmarried, childless woman who still drinks and carries on for the camera. I worried most of all about my temperament; things I could do or say in the heat of the moment and not be able to take back. Feelings I might hurt in the name of reality TV. All things that sound absolutely horrifying to me and certainly something I wouldn’t be able to stomach agreeing to in advance. Which is how I ended up on the show; by complete surprise.
I originally put out a memo that I was in Reality Retirement after Surviving Barstool Szn 4. Mentally, I needed to hang up the shoes. Guilt, embarrassment and feeling like the juice just wasn’t worth the squeeze anymore started to make me question a lot about myself. I know I have a “hate-able” set of skills - stirring shit up, being so annoying it wears people down, bringing my emotions to an apex that never seems quite proportionate or appropriate to the situation at hand. I’ve said it time and time again - I’m a child of Reality TV! The villains and the chaos are the greatest parts - why not do that when I’m so good at it? Would it be worth un-retiring? After getting a feeler text from Austin on if I had changed my mind, I heard from the only man who could get me to agree to get back in the game - the star of Tea by the Sea himself, Dave Portnoy!
Flight immediately booked for 5pm that same day. Off to Vegas I go! The fears I planned to conquer:
- Accepting that I was going to look however I was going to look
- Not reading comments or watching too many clips back
- Making some kind of splash that would make Dave happy and justify my being there
- Working in a professional setting with my Arch Nemesis
I completely forgot Tate was going to be there when I agreed to go. More on that later.
The big reveal of Tommy and I’s arrival a mere 15 hours after we found out we were going feels like a complete blur to me. I was basically sober, walking 10 miles through a casino in heels and a fishnet dress with a fresh spray tan and a bad ponytail, to walk into a room where there felt like there were about 5,000 flashes on in our face and a group of people fighting for enough relevance to stay at the table. I threw up twice with anxiety before we even got to the club.
I’d say my overall first night was very fun, while lacking the drama I had been expected to bring. Vegas had me in a blender. NOT GREAT! Shoutout to Gronk Beach though, and to Dante for getting up on stage to spin a full set like it was nothing. Dante <3 < p>
The morning rolls around and I’m immediately feeling the consequences of my actions. My hangover is palpable, I was too tired to go to the strip club the night before, and my Arch Nemesis is already online screaming into his iPhone about how much I sucked last night, and that everyone was talking shit about it behind my back. AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I AM CRUSHING VEGAS SO FAR!!!!!
Credit where credit is due, I think this is where I truly said fuck it. The worst case scenario was that I was going to be sent home for being boring, and I felt like I was being poked to be the opposite. I wasn’t even supposed to be there in the first place! I’d bring the noise to the recaps, which is where I’ve always felt most comfortable; bickering on camera.
What happened in the next few days can only be described as the events of two people.
Dr Jekyll
And Mrs Hyde
The normal, tame side of me enjoyed a driving competition in a Ford Shelby going 120 MPH around a racetrack and winning a helicopter tour of Vegas on the Ferrari of helicopters (shoutout Maverick), enjoyed a Golden Knights playoff game in a suite while dancing around on the Jumbotron, sat front row at Absinthe (maybe the best show I’ve ever seen), dined at some of the most gorgeous restaurants in town and ended nearly every night in the VIP section of a hot club with an even hotter DJ.
The reality monster within exposed a ton of internal gossip to the masses, bitched out 2-3 children under 25 for reasons I was barely involved in, and generally looked like a woman possessed. By what? I don’t think we’ll ever know.
What I do know, is that my boss was happy:
When I watch myself yelling at someone like this (deserving or not) I honestly wonder why Hollywood hasn’t called yet. Can’t they see the lengths I’ll go to for a performance?? I will muster up every ounce of energy I have to bark in a kids face for fucking around and finding out, if that’s what the situation calls for.
A few days removed from the drama and the absurdity of it all, you might be surprised to know that I’m glad everything went down the way it did. Sure, maybe to some I look even more insane that I used to, screaming and carrying on in people’s faces. For me, I was able to recognize the kinder emotion underneath, which is my ability to be a fierce friend. I ride hard for people. Always have, and always will. I think now that the drama clouds have parted, everyone laid down their swords when we left Vegas and most holes in the trauma bonds friendships co-working relationships we all have with each other have somewhat been patched up, or at least brought to a point of apathy. So, for those keeping track at home, I successfully:
- Instigated drama
- Didn’t watch clips or read comments (except for one morning where I had a crashout and cried but nobody saw it HA-HA)
- Looked decently hot the whole time
Which brings me to my actual personal biggest victory: working alongside my Arch Nemesis all week.
It’d be wrong of me not to admit that being around Tate ended up being my biggest anxiety once I arrived in Vegas. It’s not a secret that I don’t like or trust him, and while its been nearly 2 1/2 years since he called me lazy online I’ve still never been able to bring my emotions to a place where I can see him as a person and not a troll designed to ruin my confidence every time I take a breath, even in a work environment. This doesn’t bode well for me when suddenly he’s trusted to also stir drama, and is doing a good job at it, on the show that I am currently on. After a few high (five)s, lows (me drunk rambling), and desperately forced ice breaker questions (I asked him what kind of music he would put on the AUX, he said I probably wouldn't like it) we reached a point of what I hope was interpreted as a chill version of me. Probably the chillest I could present, but chill nonetheless. I think it resulted in some good BTS drama facilitating, or at the very least helpful in whatever way I could be. Idfk man. Sometimes you have to get over things even when you really, really don’t want to because in actuality, getting over it is what you need to do to move forward. I’ve felt stuck for a long time and I have resentment towards Tate still, but hopefully these few interactions where I don’t have blood boiling out of my eyeballs will help. He worked hard like everyone else, he didn’t fuck with me too badly, and I can live with that. I'd categorize that as growth.
Overall, the trip was absolutely unbelievable. I think it’s safe to say I’m addicted to reality shows…I like the schedule of it, the fast pace, the end goal. I like having to push myself to perform, to shuffle my own feelings around and present what I hope is always, at the very least, entertaining. I like the bonds it creates with unexpected people, the shared experiences and the excitement of memories that you can feel will last a lifetime, even while you’re in the middle of feeling them. I loved getting closer with new friends, reconnecting with old ones and strengthening the ones I already hold close.
So yes, I’d say it was worth coming out of retirement for.
