The Annual NFL Head Coach's Picture Has Dropped, Let's Dive In
It's that time of the year again. Spring has sprung, the Final Four is set, the Masters is a week away, Tiger has rolled another car (sorry Riggs, I know this shouldn't be on the website) and the NFL is doing their annual meeting in the desert where all the NFL Head Coaches are forced to sit staring into the sun as they pretend to be friends on school picture day. I've been doing this blog for over a decade now and even if other content places rip it off, my promise to you is to keep doing it as long as I can type letters into semi coherent sentences.
Also about that, I fucking suck at writing now. So let's show a little grace when this blog is littered with mispellings and gramatical errors. I'm not a go back and edit guy. People who have been long time stoolies know this. Back in the old days when we had to blog 10 times a day around the clock I would spew my thoughts onto the page and hit submit, never looking back to see what I've fucked up. Well thats still the case and Ive gotten older and much worse at writing so if some of these things I say dont make sense, tough shit, write your own blog.
In all seriousness though I love doing this blog and I love dipping into the old pen once a year. Appreciate everyone who has been reading and supporting me throughout the years. It means more than you'll ever know.
Now enough with the sentimental shit, let's break down these coaches.
Right off the bat an overarching thought I had was, shit these guys are starting to dress pretty well. They're giving me less and less to work with and I don't know who sent out the memo that everyone should wear a shade of blue but here we are. These are the moments where I miss Matt Rhule, at least he was a slob when he wore Blue.
Not a lot of standouts, not a lot of people trying to be different. Maybe the toughest picture to date, but as the old saying goes when talking about fat bloggers being tough guys behind their keyboard, God gives its toughest battles to it's strongest warriors. So lets do this.
The Look What They've Done To Our Boy, The Disrespect Is Crazy" Award - Andy Reid
Shocking, absolutely shocking. The man who has 3 super bowls, the longest tenured Coach in the game, misses the playoffs one single time and they throw him in the back row standing up. I'm legitimately heartbroken over this. Andy Reid should be in a Hawaiian, shorts, cankles popping front and center. Instead they throw him in the back and make him look like just another guy. Is Andy Reid quietly quitting? I think this is what happens when a Bird is depressed, their colors start to fade and become less vibrant. Andy Reid showing up in a Magic Eye poster in the backrow has me wondering if retirement is imminent. Lets hope this is just an off day for Coach, because we need Andy Reid in our lives. Bring this Andy back
"First Day of Sitting School" Award - Sean Payton
Hey Sean Payton, sit much dude? The awkward hands on the knees/suck in tells me Sean Payton has never sat before or he needs to get back in the Crossfit gym because hes trying to hide something. I sit like this when I know my breasts are popping in the shirt I have on. That and putting a pillow over your stomach while sitting on a couch are the tell tale signs of a guy who is very self conscious about his mid section. Did you not know today was coming Sean? Maybe some push ups and sit ups before next year's picture.
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Also credit to Sean, he's definitely staying in Arizona for the week. How do I know? Well I don't but I just assume when you show up to the Coaches picture with Jordon Hudson's UNC gameday shoes they're probably for Easter Sunday in 6 days.
"Is That Zac Taylor Or Your Local Travelers Insurance Rep" Award - Zac Taylor
Lot of guys are here to talk ball, not Zac Taylor. He's here to talk to you about bundling your home and auto so that you can sleep well at night knowing Zac has you covered for any of life's mishaps. Sneaky genius by Zac Taylor. He probably has some survivor's guilt after literally every coach in the AFC North was fired this past offseason except him. So what's the answer? Make yourself indistinguishable to everyone else so that if anyone asks questions you can just say you work at the pro shop and reconfirm their Tee Time.
"The Denim Monster" Award - Todd Bowles
This is a big moment because in the history of this blog Ive never given out this award before. Truthfully speaking, I wanted to many times but I knew deep down I had to hold off. Hold off for what you ask? Well I was holding off for the day that Todd Bowles shows up in a size XXXXL Denim Moo-Moo. And today is that day. I really wish we could get more of Todd's legs because I'm pretty sure he could Winnie the Pooh this shirt for us. Just Denim all the way to his ankles while his cock and balls catch a nice breeze. Maybe next year, Todd (probably not).
"Three Words - Hardworking, Alpha Male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable" Award - Ben Johnson
You know what Ben Johnson is doing in this picture? Thinking about ball. It's literally an All 22 running through his brain right in this exact moment. Always getting better, always finding a competitive edge. I love him. I'd leave my wife and kids for him. But not in like a creepy way, more like a lets just be friends and watch ball together and hang out and share everything with each other type of way. Like haha you think just because we're two grown men living together we're a couple? No way, we're just best friends for life, soulmates if you will, but again not creepy.
Trust Tree - I think I regret those last 3 sentences, but remember what I said at the top, no editing.
"The Guy Most Likely To Sell Everyone Some Shitty Weed' Award - Joe Brady
Our first newcomer in the blog, Joe Brady picked out his absolute best fit for date night at Applebees. I know he's not wearing an earring in his left ear but ive stared at the picture long enough to think he might be. He also looks like the type of guy who drives a white Jetta with a custom subwoofer that is far too big for such a small car and will sell you the shittiest 8th of weed you've ever had. Welcome to the show, Joe.
"The Badass Biker Dad Who Had To Dress Nice For His Daughter's Graduation" Award - Dan Campbell
I would put every dollar I have in my bank account on this being the one and only time Dan Campbell tucks his shirt in during the course of a year. You catch this guy at the graduation party, fake smiling, shaking hands, just desperate for one single person to ask what's in his garage so he can leave the party, crack a beer and show you his chopper and various power tools. He combed his hair and is playing nice but if anyone touches the air conditioner when they go inside to take a piss the shirts getting untucked and its no more Mr Nice Guy.
I love Dan Campbell. You just know out of everyone in this picture he's the most over this shit.
"Are You Guys Brothers?" Award - Jim And John Harbaugh
I love that Jim and John still sit next to each other for this picture. That's definitely Jim's doing by the way so he can give yet another data point to the world that he is the significantly taller Harbaugh brother.
As for their get ups. I like that John wore the Giants polo to give a soft reminder to everyone that he's no longer in Baltimore. That was a savvy move. But John, what the fuck is this?
The white socks with the old black loafers? I know we all said you sound like Joe Biden but to start dressing like him is another thing. This was a mistake. Maybe John thought he'd be a backrow guy, I don't know, but you've been doing this picture for 20 years now, have to be better prepared than this. Not saying Giants fans should be worried, but this wasn't the best foot forward.
And I'm dying to know what happened to Jim's arm here.
Knowing Coach Harbaugh he probably passed a blood bank on the way to the picture and realized the best way to bring toughness back to America is to repopulate the earth with more Harbaugh blood. And for that I thank him for his service because I couldn't agree more.
"Are you guys brothers? Part 2 Award" - Mike and Matt LaFleur
I think this is a huge win for Matt LaFleur here. Why? Because if theres one critique you could make about Matt LaFleur is that he might be a little too pretty. Perfect hair, chiseled jaw, he's got it. So in walks his brother, new head coach of the Arizona Cardinals, and it turns out he's even more of a pretty boy. He looks like an AI LaFleur. Not sure you can trust it. This is the part of the Sean McVay Coaching tree they don't warn you about. Great football coaches but also obsessed with their looks. How long is Mike's pregame Hair Gel routine? We talking 10, 15, 20 minutes? because it feels substantial. So in comparison Matt looks like just a normal good looking guy. His brother getting one of the 32 jobs in the NFL may be the absolute best thing that could have happened to him. Just by sitting next to Mike, Matt becomes the hardcore LaFleur. That's some edge and toughness that can go a long way in this league.
"The You Just Got Manspreaded By An Alpha" Award - Jeff Hafley
Imagine being Jeff Hafley this morning? You wake up all excited for your first picture day with the NFL Head Coaches. Your official "Ive made it" moment. You pick out your best outfit, bounce in your step, giddy with anticipation with who you're going to get sit next to. Will it be Andy Reid? Maybe one of the Harbaughs. How Fun!
Then Bam. You just got Vrabel'd
Absolute domination. Look at Hafley, hes got no space. He's gotta put his tiny little hands in his lap as he gets upstaged beyond recognition. Again I'm not saying the Coach's picture is the end all be all for how your NFL Season will go but if you're a Dolphins fan you're already starting in a hole. Also doesn't help that Jeff Hafley has something going on with his hair that makes me feel uncomfortable. He looks like a psych patient from 1950 right before he gets lobotomized. Bad news Dolphins.
"Nip City, Population Demeco Ryan" Award - Demeco Ryan
Ryan Day takes one look at those nips and instantly wants to pierce them. If the Seahawks havent made their Super Bowl Rings yet Demeco may be able to help them out with some Diamond Cutting on the house.
"The Make Sure I Wear My Team Q-Zip So People Remember I Didn't Get Fired" Award - Aaron Glenn
Now this is a good sign, Jets fans. For the first time since the hire I now believe in Aaron Glenn. When you win 3 games in an NFL season it's kind of assumed you will be fired. So what does Aaron Glenn do? He shows up to picture day reminding everyone that yes he is still very much employed by the New York Jets. Cuts out any of the weird conversations that may occur where other coach's can't fully remember if you kept your job or not. It's like when you've met a person multiple times but can never remember their name. You're stuck in the perpetual loop of uncomfortable small talk where you dont want to fuck up and say the wrong name. That's Aaron Glenn if he doesn't show up wearing the Team Pro Shop. Cuts right to the chase, I'm still a Head Coach, it says it right here on my chest. Well done.
"The Package Didn't Arrive In Time Because He Had Already Left For Vacation Award" - Kevin Stefanski
For those of you that don't listen to Pardon My Take, Kevin Stefanski was on the show a month ago and he and I told the story of our back and forth about the NFL Coach's picture. Long story short, I've gotten to know Coach Stefanski through the years and he's a great great dude. And in getting to know him we've discussed this picture and how it would be my dream to dress one of these coach's just for the blog. Last year I sent him a bunch of shirts but they took the picture a day early and he wasn't wearing them. THIS year I sent him a bunch of new shirts and they all arrived Wednesday of this past week. When I texted Coach Stefanski that the packages arrived he gave me the devastating news that he had already left Atlanta for Arizona. Absolutely brutal. So instead of commenting on what he is wearing, lets rank the shirts I sent him in terms of what I would've liked him to wear.
Note these are all real shirts that I have shipped to his house, so even though he didn't wear them for today, hopefully he has a chance to wear them in the future. Be on the look out, Atlanta
6. The Wild card shirt. Yeah I know this was probably not going to get worn but I had to take one outside the box shot. Keep it light and hope that if he opened this shirt first then the other ones, the other ones would seem great. Its called anchoring a negotiation, art of the deal, read a book.
5. Ok maybe I lied, this also was art of the deal.
4. Now this is just a great shirt. Classy, old school, team colors. This I feel like he could wear next year
3. Want to announce that you're the alpha in the room? Where this next year Coach. Dan Campbell will probably buy it off your back.
2. Another classic. Flamingos (I thought the meeting was in Florida, next year we'll do a Cactus)
1. Feel like Coach Stefanski definitely would've worn this one if it had gotten there in time. Either way, the dream stays alive. next year is our year.
"The Can We Get This Over With Please So I Can Go Back To The Bar, I Didn't Wear My Best Nike Dri Fit Polo For Nothing" Award - Nick Sirianni
Every year we've got one guy who comes with this look. You can see on Nick Sirianni's face, he probably put down a Mai Tai 4 seconds ago just off camera. The shorts, the boat shoes, the "dress up" shirt that is just a Nike Dri Fit with some patterns on it. Get this guy back to a bar asap. In classic Philly fashion I don't know if Nick Sirianni came with this look because he has a Super Bowl Ring and God status for life in Philly so he doesn't care or because he knows he's already fired going into this season because he hasn't won a Super Bowl for Philly every single season and that is unacceptable.
"Coolest Guy In The Picture According To Liam Cohen" Award - Liam Cohen
Damn bro, did your offense light it up last year or something? Hollywood Liam over here! And you know he went to a stylist to get the most ordinary outfit that costs like 5k. We get it, you made Trevor Lawrence awesome, take off the shades and be normal.
"The I Just Kicked Everyone's Ass And I Can't Even Be Bothered To Put On A Collar" Award - Mike McDonald
These are the mindgames I love about this picture. Of the 30 coach's in this picture, 26 have a collar, Saleh has a sweatshirt, Liam Cohen bought a plain white t-shirt that probably cost 3,000 dollars, Sean Payton is wearing a long sleeve shirt and then theres Mike Macdonald. That's a 15 dollar shirt at Kohl's and guess what? No one can say shit about it because his Defense just fucked the entire league up. It's so subtly cocky and I love it. There is no offseason to the Mindgames.
(Please note I'm now 2,800 words into this blog and kind of losing my mind so I could be overthinking it just a little)
"The Dads On A Boring Vacation" Award - Kevin O'Connell And Shane Steichen
They'll take a picture but it better be fast because we gotta get back in the car and make up some time.
"The Young Dads On Vacation Who Still Think They're Cool Because They Have Hot Wives" Award - Dave Canales And Kellen Moore
Can Liam Coen pass those shades down, Kellen Moore is getting DOMINATED by the Sun.
"So Thats What Jesse Minter Looks Like" Award - Jesse Minter
Good to know.
"The I Knew This Was Klint Kubiak Because Holy Shit He Looks Exactly Like His Dad Award" - Klint Kubiak
Thank you Klint Kubiak, you made it easy on us.
"The 90's WWF Wrestler Who Also Might Be A Funeral Home Director" Award - Dan Quinn
Dan Quinn does this every year. All black, all business. I can't tell if he's a 90's WWF wrestler or a funeral home director. It basically comes down to if can you imagine him wearing a fanny pack in this picture full of peptides and Testoserone shots? I think I can. So I'm going with the wrestler. He lives in Tampa, has a wife with gigantic fake tits, a handshake that will break every bone in your fingers, and now that Hulk Hogan is dead he can call everyone brother at the local bar without anyone accusing him of copying Hulk.
"The I Can't Stop Thinking About Brian Schottenheimer's Tattoos Every Time I See A Picture Of Brian Schottenheimer Award"- Brian Schottenheimer
I'm sorry Brian but it's literally all I can see now. It's not your fault, it just is what it is.
Sam Hodde. Getty Images."The I Brought My Security Guard In Case Anyone Talks Shit About My Super Bowl Losses Award" - Kyle Shanahan And Robert Saleh
This is purely based on body language. Look at Kyle, he's calm, hands in his pocket, just chilling. Why? Because he's got this guy with him ready to fuck anyone up if shit goes down.
I actually wouldn't be shocked if Kyle went to the local mall after this and begged anyone to step to him like that dickhead Jack Doherty and his security guard. No one is fucking with Bob Saleh. A guy that jacked, with that shiny of a head? You walk the other way and live to fight another day.
And Last but certainly not least.
"THE RETURN OF THE KING" AWARD - Mike McCarthy
Now THIS is what the Coach's picture is all about. Not all these fancy boys that are too jacked. It's about Football guys like Big Mike. Just look at him. He's got everything.
The Fart Face that looks like he's holding in an absolute BOMB
The Missing button because why the fuck would Big Mike care about fashion when there's probably free appetizers starting soon.
The Hands, what the hell is he doing with his hands?
Is he softly holding his old hand and a stress reducer? Is he pulling his finger because that's the only way he can release the fart? Who the fuck knows but he's perfect. I love him so much. The NFL needs more Mike McCarthy's. Guys who should never under any circumstance pose for a picture while staring directly into the Sun.
Thank you Mike McCarthy, for keeping this blog alive. And Thank you to everyone for reading, until next year.