Reflections From The Great Blizzard Of ‘26

Barbara Alper. Getty Images.

I spent even more time than normal indoors last weekend because of the winter storm that tore across the country, and it gave me time to make a few observations…

1) Men love to lie about length.  

This isn't a new revelation because I myself have been known to embellish on the size of that fish I just caught, the distance of that drive I just hit, or the length of that cock I just jerked (my own, obviously).

But what we REALLY like to embellish is the amount of snow we just shoveled.

A quick Google search will reveal that the town I live in received anywhere from 14-17 inches of snow last weekend, but I tell everyone we got "at least 2 feet." 

Nobody has fact-checked my estimates, in the same way I won't check the tape to see if that birdie putt you just made was really from 30 feet away.

It's led me to this conclusion- The only thing we (men) lie about more than the size of our own dicks is how much snow we got.

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2) I am not a wealthy man, but after staying indoors for a couple of days, I realized I am the Elon Musk of comfy loungewear. 

This one is a flex.

Like I said- I am not wealthy, but, Holy Shit, have I accumulated a fine collection of comfortable fleece blankets, loose sweatpants, cozy socks, and oversized sweatshirts over the years. And they were all on display as I rummaged around the house for the better part of a week.

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3) I know why the big social media trend of the storm was people making homemade ice cream in their backyards by whisking a few simple ingredients in a bowl partially submerged in snow under sub-zero temps.

I saw dozens of posts like this, and I realize the reason for its popularity/virality is because of all the morons who unnecessarily loaded up on gallons of milk before a single flake had fallen. 

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And this next one, I was well aware of before 2026, but it was reaffirmed once I finally left my house on Tuesday to drive to work…

4) People who don’t clean the snow off their cars are the fucking WORST. 

Giphy Images.

Maybe you disagree with my assumption that most people lie about their length, or think my loungewear collection isn't that impressive… But I think it is impossible to argue that there isn't a special place in hell waiting for the lazy fucks who refuse to clean off the icy roofs of their cars before getting onto major highways.

I was dodging sheetrock-sized flying ice blankets on Route 80, and the people driving the launch pads cars from which the ice was thrown all seemed healthy enough to have cleaned off their cars… Or, at least, they seemed healthy enough as I angrily sped up alongside them to give them the finger.

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5) The ice cream thing was stupid, but the Snow Boob Challenge remains undefeated.

Snowstorms can be fucking MISERABLE, but nothing brightens up a gloomy snowed-in day like the handful of modern-day Florence Nightingales of all shapes and sizes who dumped them out to make their own version of snow angels.

And, although I don't normally see gender, this trend is best left in the hands of the ladies, fellas…

Because a simple ruler will be able to expose that wasn't an 8-inch cock and that wasn't 2 feet of snow.

SO… With another smaller band of possible precipitation heading our way this weekend, I'd like to remind everyone to…

1. Throw away their rulers.
2. Get yourself some cozy PJs.
3. Leave the milk and bread, but buy ice cream from the store, like a civilized person.
4. Clean off your fucking car.
5. Dump them out for the boys.

Stay safe.

Take a report.

-Large

There is a gentleman named The Grill Guy, who is wildly popular on social platforms, and he was my guest on the latest episode of YOU GOTTA TRY THIS…

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And this is the best pastrami in the state of New Jersey…

TAR

-L