Arrests Have Been Made in the Louvre Jewelry Heist, and Sadly it Appears the Thieves are Just Common, Ordinary Criminals

DIMITAR DILKOFF. Getty Images.

It was all supposed to be so cinematic:

The world's most famous museum. National treasures worth over $100 million gone missing. Irreplaceable historic artifacts brazenly stolen in broad daylight by master criminals. The expert thieves making a daring, carefully planned getaway through the streets of Paris before anyone realized what had happened:

And brilliant, dapper lead investigator sent to the scene to pick up the trail:

It was going to be straight out of a Truffaut film. The kind of stylish thriller with subtitles that get studied at NYU as a great example of the cinema verite that Hollywood studios try to imitate but can never capture the essence - the Frenchness - of that period in film making. You can hear the detective interviewing a suspect, slowly stirring sugar into his demitasse, dramatically tapping the spoon on the side of the cup and asking, "Monsieur, tell me about ze girl …" For crying out loud, even the images of this expertly tailored fop were taken by a photographer named Camus. It doesn't get more French than that. 

It was all too good to be true. And like most things that fit that description, it probably isn't true. At least not in the way we expected. There's even reason to believe this well dressed fancylad isn't even with the police. He might have just been a passer by who stopped to pose for the camera as he was passing by. Now we find out that not only have some of these master thieves gotten caught, they sound like just common criminals:

NY Post -  Two men who allegedly stole $100 million worth of France’s crown jewels during a daring daytime heist at the Louvre Museum were arrested on Saturday night — as one suspect was captured trying to flee the country.

Two others are still believed to be on the lam. …

Police were tipped off on Saturday about one of the suspects likely to be flying out of the country and heading to Algeria in North Africa and arrested him at Paris Roissy-Charles-de-Gaulle Airport as he prepared to board a plane, French outlet BFMTV reported.

The second suspect was arrested shortly afterward in Paris. …

The alleged thieves are known by police for past robberies and are believed to have conducted the high-profile heist on commission, Le Parisien reported. …

Police have not publicly identified the other two suspects or the mastermind behind the action movie-like heist.

Officials collected nearly 150 traces of DNA, fingerprints and hair samples found at the scene to different sites across Paris to connect the individuals to the robbery.

The hair, believed to belong to the first thief that entered the museum, was found in a motorcycle helmet discarded near the scene and a vests, the outlet said.

What a crushing disappoint this entire saga is turning out to be. 

First, the Louvre itself. These precious artifacts are supposed to be guarded with temperature-sensing devices that will pick up the heat signature of the human body. A floor that will sound alarms if any weight it put on it. And hallways filled with lasers. These priceless treasures were less secure than Kay Jewelers at the shopping center.

But my real beef is with the thieves themselves. I was expecting glamorous super criminals. The sorts of guys who ride their scooters down a narrow, cobblestone alley to a limo waiting on the other end to whisk them away.  I wanted them peel off the Spirit Halloween construction workers' costumes to reveal the tuxedos they're wearing underneath. Then they go through the side entrance of an exclusive casino for high rollers where they split up and blend into the crowd. I wanted the henchman of some cat-stroking villain at the high stake Baccarat table to whisper to his boss, "They're here." And everyone to meet in his office with the secret entrance behind the slot machines to discuss the terms of payment for … "the merchandise." 

But what did we get? Bumbling idiots. Glorified shoplifters who couldn't get away with stealing razors out of your average CVS. Guys with priors who are easily tracked. Leaving their DNA all over the crime scene. Trying to get through airport security mere days after the robbery. Flying commercial, no less, like losers. Where's the chopper? Where's the submarine? I mean, they're right in the heart of Europe. The EU is a continent practically without secure borders. Would it have killed these guys to rent a car? Steal one? Borrow your mom's? Going through the airport with customs and passport checks was the worst possible way to flee the scene. They would've been better off laying low at a safe house until the heat dies down. 

Instead, they basically handed themselves over to the authorities. And are no doubt ratting out their accomplices as we speak. I won't be at all surprised if they're in custody as well by the time you're reading this. 

Don't get me wrong; I'm not pro-criminal. I just like my criminals to match the crime. I don't want some smash-and-grab hacks who should be robbing a Manhattan bodega stealing from a museum. Jewel thieves are supposed to be elegant and sophisticated. To have some class. To be educated on the complete history of the precious stones they're heisting, down to which Emperor gave them to which Empress and on what occasion. It sounds like these bozos just grabbed what they could carry, and basically left a trail of breadcrumbs for the cops to follow. 

As a true master thief who respects the profession put it, "This town deserves a better class of criminal.":

Given how bad the mall cops at Louvre handled this, I'm not sure they do. But the world deserves a better class of jewel thieves than these ignoramuses.