The Miami Dolphins Fucking Suck

Is it even possible for something to be more embarrassing than losing to the Cleveland Browns 31-6? Because if it is, the Miami Dolphins just might’ve found a way. Is it embarrassing when your $54 million-a-year quarterback somehow manages to be the worst quarterback on a field shared with Dillon Gabriel? Absolutely. Is it embarrassing when, after that same disaster, your quarterback and head coach are basically throwing subliminal shots at each other through the media? You bet. And is it embarrassing when your head coach stutters the word “uh” twenty-one times in his postgame press conference like a guy trying to come up with an excuse for why he forgot his anniversary? It’s beyond embarrassing, it’s pathetic.

This franchise has become the definition of mediocrity. We haven’t won a playoff game in 25 years. Twenty five years. Think about how long that is. The iPod didn’t even exist the last time this team gave fans something to actually celebrate. Meanwhile, the owner sits back, smiles for cameras, and keeps handing out extensions to guys who couldn’t manage a Little League team. If I were investing billions of dollars into a football organization, I’d demand excellence. But what we get instead is a participation trophy culture that celebrates “almosts” and “could’ve beens.”

Starting 1-6 isn’t excellence. Telling your fanbase that it doesn’t matter whether you throw five touchdowns or five interceptions isn’t excellence. And refusing to address glaring roster holes in the offseason? That’s not just bad management, it’s negligence. I’ve reached my breaking point. This might be the worst, most dysfunctional Dolphins team I’ve ever seen in my life and that’s saying something considering what we’ve been through.

Honestly, dare I say it, we were better off when our coaches were doing lines and sending videos to strippers. At least back then we had a pulse. Now? We’re just lifeless. A sad pathetic excuse of a football team.

I am beyond embarrassed to be a fan of this franchise. I’ve been tortured by Tom Brady, dismantled by Josh Allen, and now I have to watch Drake Maye of all people potentially add his name to the list of quarterbacks who haunt my Sundays. How do all these other teams keep hitting the lottery while we’re out here living in poverty?

I hate it here. It fucking sucks. And I wouldn’t wish being a Miami Dolphins fan on my worst enemy.