The Saddest NFL Stats Of Week 2
Ron Jenkins. Getty Images.Ahoy mateys! I write you aboard a vessel so large I thought I was entering a football stadium as I walked through the stanchions about an hour before kickoff on Sunday. Star of the Seas. Evidently the biggest cruise ship on earth or something. Looking at this thing? I believe it. Jaws guy would definitely say this boat would suffice. I don't have much time here, so we're going to get this going. Here are you sad stats of Week 2.
Sad Stat #1: The Giants are now 1-16 vs the Cowboys in their last 17 games
Wild game. Watched the end as the boat started taking off and 5G was still live while my littles romped around the splash pad. I had Dallas as one of my survivor pool picks and let's just say I'm happy to get by on that and not have to worry about ever picking them again this year. They say don't pick divisional games in survivor pools. But this is the biggest owning in the NFL right now. The only others close are Bears 2-13 vs Packers (Broncs vs Chiefs and Dolphins vs Bills as well).
Sad Stat #2: The Dolphins gave up points on every drive in first game and half to start season
Speaking of the Dolphins. This is officially an all out disaster. Tua is absolutely awful. But the defense is in absolute shambles. How absolute of shambles? Well, read the stat above again. The first drive that didn't end up getting points against the Dolphins was the one-play kneel down to end the first half in Week 2. I ran the numbers and no team has allowed this in the 26 years of data going back to 1999. Washington allowed 9/11 in their first game and a half last year. That was the closest.
Sad Stat #3: Joe Burrow is now 2-10 in his career in weeks 1-2
Cards on the table. This is the saddest part of Week 2. Joe Burrow is one of the most exciting players to watch and here we are again. There's no escaping the reality. Joe is injury prone. Is it all his fault?
That's for you to decide. But I think all of us "draft Sewell over Chase" truthers are finally having our day. And it's sad to see things play out like they have.
Sad Stat #4: The Jaguars scored 27 points, knocked their opponents starting quarterback out of the game, intercepted the backup quarterback three times and still lost the game
Don't think I didn't notice this Jaguars. I might not be able to see the Florida shore as I write this somewhere in the middle of the Caribbean Sea, but I can still smell your stink as foul as ever.
Sad Stat #5: Who's the worst 0-2 team by Who Lost To Who-ology?
Let's map this out. We gotta find out who the worst of the shitty teams are so far. You might say they're all the same. But as a credentialed sad statistician, I know better. Let's do the math here and find the saddest of the sad.
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For as sad as the Dolphins are - they escape the who-lost-to-who hard math here by losing to the best team in the league by record and point differential (the FUCKING COLTS). But let's look at a few contestants here. I got the Jets, Bears, Browns, and Giants making the Final Four of the saddest 0-2 teams. Here's their lost-to-who mapping with all winning teams above losing teams:
God damnit. It's clearly the Bears. Four levels deep on one line after just two weeks is tough. Just an absolute crap pile of a team. Turns out the nice Ben Johnson garnish only goes so far in making this piece of crap team look any better than it was last year, the year before, and pretty much every year before that for my life since 2006. We still have that opening Super Bowl return. No one can take that away from us. Hang the banner. I hate this team.
Sad Stat #6: Patrick Mahomes has lost three games in a row for the first time in his career
The Mahomes Dynasty might be dead. I think we can call it now. The pace of overtaking Tom Brady as the GOAT is now starting to fade. We've all heard the 0-2 stats related to playoffs so I won't beat you down with that like ESPN does every single year. Things are bad for the Chiefs.
That's it for this week. Time to crush some all inclusive amenities. If you hear of another guy jumping off a cruise ship after racking up a 17k casino debt, don't hold your breath for a Week 3 Sad Stats. I'll be when I'm the depths of the Caribbean abyss. Maybe I'll see my Bears down there.