Last Night's Home Run Derby Was A Total Disaster, And That's Saying A Lot Considering How Bad They've Been. Here's How To Fix It.

We all sat through last night's Home Run Derby and it was an absolute SNOOZE FEST. It' has somehow gone from bordering on irrelevancy like the NBA Slam Dunk Contest, to completely leapfrogging it and not even be worth checking to see when it airs. 

What happened to the good old days when you could tune in and watch guys effortlessly crank baseballs into orbit? Now it's like watching a fucking math competition where no one understands the rules, and everyone's left sitting there wondering, "Wait, who advances if they hit fewer homers but their mom's name starts with an L?"

MLB, I've said it before and I'll say it again- stop complicating shit that should be easy. People don't tune into the Derby to brush up on algebra. They tune in to watch baseballs get absolutely blasted into the stratosphere. 

You morons continue to tinker with a proven recipe. To fix something that was never broken. 

Hubbs did a great blog about this exact issue earlier - 

There's no avoiding ESPN’s role in all of this mess. Seriously, what the hell was going on with that broadcast? Baseball fans across social media were unanimous- ESPN’s Home Run Derby coverage was dizzying, confusing, and borderline unwatchable. The split-screen nonsense was nauseating and just flay out unnecessary. They tried to show the hitter on one side and track the ball on the other. Why? Who fucking knows. Nobody in the world asked for this, but ESPN overthought things per usual, and it just ended up a jumbled mess. 

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Fans were rightfully calling it garbage, saying you couldn’t even follow the ball properly. 

And what about the camera angles? Absolutely atrocious. 

ESPN decided the best way to show these moonshots was by zooming into the sky so you couldn't tell if the ball was landing in the seats or on Neptune. 

Also, Carl Ravech, my God. Carl, buddy, wake up. It sounded like someone tranquilized him five minutes before airtime. The whole event had all the enthusiasm of a DMV waiting room thanks to his monotone delivery. 

But he still wasn't as bad as the mothership's biggest try-hard. Tell us ESPN has somebody calling the shots who's 70 years old and completely out of touch, but thinks they have a pulse on what's current and hip, without telling us- 

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ESPN has managed to completely suck the life out of what was once an absolute "must-watch" event of the summer. Fans reminisced over the simpler days of Josh Hamilton launching 28 homers at Yankee Stadium back in '08. You know why? Because back then, there was no dumb split-screen gimmick. It was straightforward, exciting, and exactly what fans want.

So here’s a free idea, no charge, Rob Manfred (though donations are welcome).

Aluminum bats.

Yes, aluminum. 

I've been beating this drum for years, and I'll keep beating it until someone listens or they finally ban me from this platform. 

You want eyeballs glued to screens and asses glued to seats? Put an Easton in Pete Alonso’s bear paws and let him send missiles through apartment windows three blocks away. Let Vlad Guerrero Jr. obliterate satellites.

Imagine the absolute joy of watching Shohei Ohtani hit one so hard with the sweet atomic number 13 barrel that the ball literally disappears from camera view like some Area 51-level sorcery. Now THAT is entertainment. THAT is what the Derby is supposed to be all about.

And while you're at it Rob, how about throwing some insane prizes out there? Top Golf-style targets on scoreboards or surrounding rooftops, give the guys something to aim for. If someone drills a ball through a distant bullseye, a random fan gets season tickets, or better yet, a year's worth of beers on the house. Or better yet, how about a fucking house? You’d have the whole stadium going absolutely bananas every single swing. And you'd sell a shit ton of advertisement packages. 

And give us fixed camera angles, showing homeruns just like you do on a regular traditional broadcast like we've all been watching for 100 fucking years. Don't switch shit up on us and get try to get cute for absolutely no reason. 

And give us somebody who actually sounds like they want to be there. Not Carl with the good hair and the Pheta Alpha Theta bros. 

It's not rocket science. 

Wrapping this rant up because I'm just repeating myself for the 100th time and nobody cares because I'm just a crazy former DJ. An "unsung World Series hero" DJ with a ring, but still, a crazy former dj… But deep down, you all know I’m right. Sound off in the comments below- am I a visionary genius or just another momo shouting into the void? Either way, aluminum bats and competent broadcasting would fix this dumpster fire in a heartbeat, and you know it. 

p.s.-