In the Least Surprising Development in Human History, Sydney Sweeney 'Steals the Show' at Jeff Bezos' Wedding

If you've been paying the least bit of attention to human events over the last, oh, 300,000 years since genetically modern Homo Sapiens first appeared, then you knew a story like this wasn't about to go away after just one weekend:

One of the world's richest men ever. Getting married in Venice, the epicenter of Old World romance for centuries. To his wife who has more robot parts than Ava from Ex Machina:

With a guest list that wasn't so much A-List as it was A+++-List. 

And yet, the two most anatomically perfect beings on the planet were spotted talking to one another? No, we cannot simply move on from a report like this. As they say in the news business, this is a story with legs. Not the sort of legs that move Sydney Sweeney around from place to place, mind you:

… but legs in the Journo sense, to be sure. And the latest development is that while Sweeney drew the more attention from Tom Brady than any safety or pass rusher ever did, he was by no means the only one who noticed her at the wedding:

Daily Mail -  Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos certainly pulled out all the stops during their $20 million Venetian wedding on Friday.

But according to a source, there's an A-list star who may have stolen the show from the budding new bride.

An insider told the Daily Mail that actress Sydney Sweeney, 27, was the 'most sought after person' during the festivities.

'Sydney apparently is the most sought-after person to be around at the Bezos wedding,' they shared.

'Everyone wants to talk to her and every guy that has been in her presence has talked about how stunning she is in real life.' …

'If she wants a new boyfriend, she can get it almost instantly.'

Sydney wowed at Lauren and Jeff's wedding in a strapless pink dress that featured a ruched bodice. She styled her signature blonde locks with beachy waves. 

So let's review review. This look:

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… took all the attention away from this look:

As well as stealing the spotlight from all the Kardashians, Winfreys and Trumps:

This at event where the groom can afford to be fooking rocket ships and the bride probably spent more on her dress, hair, makeup, and collagen injections than your town's annual budget. But all eyes were on Sweeney. 

And yet for all of that, who got her attention? This guy:

Sydney Sweeney is newly single. She can have literally any man she wants. Bezos and Sanchez served her up a smorgasbord of the world's most famous and desirable men. But by the eyewitness reports, who drew her eye? Tom fricking Brady, that's who. Like the true Alpha that he is. Even 20 years older than her, he made his way through the pride, showed his claws and teeth, shook his thick, lustrous mane, flicked his mighty tail, and established once again that he's the King. They're all powerless against him when it's mating season. To the point even a great hunter like Leonardo DiCaprio had to lower his front haunches, put his tail down, assume his submissive pose, and display his deference to the one who rules all the Prideland. He could no more outdo the GOAT than Patrick Mahomes ever could. 

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So let's hope this continues. That something develops between these two. At the very least, it'll continue to be one hell of a story. At the very most, they create genetically perfect children. Metahumans. A whole new step on the evolutionary ladder. With superpowers to dominate all our media and our sports at the same time. In fact, I think Sweeney and Brady have been gifted with so much, they practically have a duty to humanity to make this happen.