The Wait is Finally Over! Russian Daredevil Sergey Boytsov Becomes First Man to Do Gymnastics Under a Hot Air Balloon at an Altitude of 1,500 Meters Without a Parachute

The business of achieving world records is such a racket. I don't know how those ass holes at Guinness come to decide what nonsense feats of strength or skill or mental fortitude qualify for their official Guinness Book of World Records, but half of their prestigious "world records" or set by people doing things that nobody else in the world has ever considered doing before. Based on Guinness' ridiculous standards, I could set a world record right now if I wanted to. Just looking around my apartment... how about the world record for Longest Time Sitting on Top of Refrigerator While Holding Two Dogs. I'll grab my two small pups and sit up there while I watch the NBA Finals. Bet nobody has ever held dogs on a fridge for that long before. I'll go down in the history books.

There's a guy named Ashrita Furman. He calls himself Mr. Versatility. According to his website, he's personally set more than 700 official Guinness World Records, and currently holds over 200 standing ones. Some of the records Mr. Versatility holds that are recognized by Guinness include:

Most Ping Pong Balls Caught with Chopsticks – 32 in one minute

Longest Time Balancing Lawnmower on Chin – 5 minutes, 1 second

Most Potatoes Sliced While Hopping on Shovel – 38 in one minute

Most Apples Cut in Mid-Air with a Samurai Sword – 29 in one minute (I could beat that one. I think I can do 1 chop per second. If you give me a good apple tosser, I can connect on at least half of them)

Most of his other records involve either balancing something on a body part, or doing anything at all while pogo-sticking. I've come to realize that if you have steady hand and know how to pogo stick, you can really make your presence felt in the Guinness Book of Records. I don't know why the world's premier world record keeper had to devolve into this nonsense. It's very stupid, and it waters down the accomplishments of people who set records that actually matter. Like the Indian guy with long fingernails.

Philip Reeve. Shutterstock Images.

But when it comes to Russian Bodybuilder and Daredevil Sergey Boytsov… while his gymnastics routine beneath a hot air balloon at 1500 meters without a parachute 100% fits the mold of "ridiculous shit nobody asked for"… I inclined to think Guinness should give him this one.

If Guinness is going to make their record book all about weird bullshit, this is the type of weird bullshit they should be rewarding. There's nothing exciting about seeing how many balloons a guy can inflate with his nose in 3 minutes. But I'll watch a mentally unstable Russian bodybuilder/daredevil risk his life a mile in the sky as the Red Baron does circles around his hot air balloon gymnastics setup. I think a good rule of thumb would be if Guinness is going to recognize a dumb task that someone invents out of thin air, completing the task has to come with a reasonable risk of death. 

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Would I have preferred Sergey had a small platform underneath him? Yes, of course. But no harness and no parachute with a platform of that size is still respectable. A lot of people could learn a thing or two from Sergey. Like the high wire act people who wear harnesses in case they fall. Remember when ABC did a live special and made a whole big deal about how Nik Wallenda was going to risk his life walking a high wire over a volcano?

Then when they went live the dude was wearing a harness.

I guess the volcano could have technically erupted. And to Nik Wallenda's credit, he has done plenty of high wire acts without a harness. It was probably ABC being lame about nOt wAnTinG to bRoAdcAst a LivE dEaTh. That's literally how great grandfather Karl Wallenda died after all. I don't think I'm allowed to include a video of a guy dying, but if you search "Karl Wallenda dies" on YouTube, you'll find it. So I suppose I understand the harness thing on live TV. But don't piss in my face and tell me it's raining, ABC. That was a bullshit stunt you pulled that day. 

Good stuff though Sergey. I respect your accomplishment. If it's a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records that you're after, I hope they give it to you.