"It was a sad trip to Mexico... It was a bad trip to Mexico."
Mindful Media. Getty Images.Except for any life-threatening diseases, I am confident when I say, "Whatever ailment or malady you dread someday getting... I've already had."
And I am talking...
- Broken bones
- Ingrown toenails
- Measels
- Chicken pox
- Mumps
HerpesShingles- Male pattern baldness
- Arthiritis
- Gout
- Bad eyes
- High blood pressure
- Kidney stones
- Pneumonia
- Sciatica
- Migraines
- Appendicitis
- Acute pancreatitis
I've had them all.
I am pre-diabetic and probably post-menopausal, and I've had more colonoscopies than you've had oil changes in the past 10 years.
But one thing I never experienced firsthand (until last weekend) was the dreaded Montezuma's Revenge... aka The Trots, aka Delhi Belly, aka Hobo Gravy, aka The Ole' Aztec Two-Step, aka The Mexican Foxtrot, aka The Gringo Gallop…Whatever the fuck you call it, I got it.
It started gradually, but quickly turned into "root beer through a Super Soaker," and I spent 24 of the 72 hours I was South of the border absolutely DESTROYING the toilet of Room 1408 in the luxurious St Regis Hotel.
If you consult the Bristol Stool Scale, you'll see that it only goes up to a Type 7...
... but I am pretty sure the filthy water geysering out of my rectum this weekend was an undocumented Type 8, so to that already lengthy list of ailments above, you can now add...
- Mexican diarrhea
- Shitting myself while asleep in a fancy hotel and having to call housekeeping for a plastic bag to strip the bed of my shit-stained sheets
Now, I've been to Mexico multiple times in the past, but have always returned with an asshole that was relatively unscathed.
But something got by the goalie last week while I was in Mexico City, and I broke down everything I ate on the latest episode of YOU GOTTA TRY THIS to try and find the culprit.
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(This thumbnail fucks.)
Give it a listen, and feel my pain.
Take a report.
-Large