Football Guy: The Bowling Green Falcons' Newest Linebacker is Named, 'Gideon ESPN Lampron' (Legally)

Everything has been coming up Bowling Green lately. First our dead end, smoke and mirrors, fake smart guy head coach Scott Loeffler, who I feared was exactly good/bad enough for Bowling Green to be stuck with him for eternity, up and left the program out of fucking nowhere to go coach long snappers (or something idk) for the Philadelphia Eagles. Then in an even more surprising move, Bowling Green Football did the coolest thing Bowling Green Football has done since hosting College Gameday in 2003 by replacing our meh head coach with ex-NFL star & former Heisman Trophy winning running back Eddie George. And now, for the first time in my life (I think), the Bowling Green Falcons may have a contender for the College Football All-Name Team in 2025. Gideon ESPN Lampron. His legal middle name is ESPN.

Reading that name on Twitter almost makes you question if every burner account you've ever come across is actually a real person.

As a Bowling Green native who blogs dumb sports-ish stories exactly like this for a living, I'm disappointed in myself that it took me as long as it did to realize Gideon Lampron, whose legal middle name is ESPN (as in Entertainment and Sports Programming Network) was linebackering for my alma mater's football team this year. Although in my defense, Bowling Green really dropped the ball when creating their "We just signed a guy named ESPN" graphic back in December.

Way to bury the lead Bowling Green. You guys have been doing a lot better in a lot of areas lately, but you gotta know that when you're a mid-major MAC school, you take your headlines any way you can get them. Signing a guy named after ESPN is the exact type of #MACtion headline you gotta get out there ASAP. 

Whenever you get a player with a borderline unbelievable name, as great as the name is for the player himself, the real story is his parents. All things considered, as far as ridiculous names go, middle name ESPN is really about as wild as it gets. Lots of parents give the parents fun names, but rarely do you see a player named specially after a brand. The Worldwide Leader in Sports no-less. 

There's an article from last year in the Dayton Daily News, written when Gideon ESPN Lampron was playing for the FCS Dayton Flyers, that interviews his dad about his how the name came to be. Gideon ESPN's dad sounds like he was made in a Pardon My Take lab. 

Dayton Daily News – Last week, Marty told the story of how he picked ESPN and how he got his wife Jennifer to go along with it.

“He has a brother who’s 10 years older named Gabriel,” Marty said. “I grew up in Boston. I went for months trying to talk my wife into letting me name him Larry Bird. It didn’t go well.

When Jenniffer was pregnant with Gideon, she picked the name, Marty said, and wanted to go with Xavier as the middle name. Marty asked if he could pick the middle name. He suggested ESPN, but pronounced as ES-PEN. She said no, but they didn’t settle on a middle name before the birth.

“Then she delivers Gideon, and she’s out of it,” Marty said, “and the nurse comes for me to sign the birth certificate. When I signed it, I literally printed ESPN in capital letters. She was out cold when I did it. When she woke up, I told her I did it, and she said, ‘No, you didn’t.’ She didn’t realize I did it. She wasn’t happy with me.”

It's an absurdly ballsy move to write "ESPN" on the birth certificate of the child who your wife hasn't even fully recovered from giving birth to yet. After she specifically told him not to. It's even more absurd that if this father of the year had his way, his two sons would be named Larry Bird Lampron & Gideon ESPN Lampron. Absurdly awesome. Kinda fucked up that his wife didn't see the vision. If you're really serious about your kids becoming D1-athletes someday, you might as well give them good sports names. You've never met a Regional Collections Manager named D'Brickashaw Ferguson. Coco Crisp was never going to wind up selling used cars. 

Naming your son after The Worldwide Leader in Sports is admittedly a bit on the nose, but hey, the kid is playing D1-Football. Surely that's farther than Xavier Lampron would have made it. And from what I can tell, I think Gideon ESPN Lampron might actually be pretty solid. He didn't have Power 5 schools knocking down his door or anything, but he had a handful of mid-major offers. And as a sophomore at Dayton last year, at 5-foot-11, 215-pounds of thunder, he made the Walter Camp FCS All-American Team. He was the only non-Junior or Senior who was given those honors.

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For coming into college as 0-star recruit, he's already overachieved in his football career. It appears he's done nothing but improve and exceed expectations. Who's to say he won't end up being one of the best linebackers in the MAC. He's got the name for it. And if he does one thing remotely highlight worthy in a game this year, you know ESPN is going to give ESPN some air time. 

I like the cut of Gideon ESPN Lampron's jib. He's tailor made for MAC football. A literal human highlight reel. Go Falcons. Talons Up.