BREAKING: Joey Chestnut Is Officially Returning To The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest This Year

USA! USA! USA!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm not sure if that chant makes as much sense for Joey Chestnut considering his rivalry with Kobiyashi, and by association Japan, was downgraded to a one-way asswhipping for years. But you know what? Fuck it. Our nation getting its best eater back in the biggest competitive eating event on the 249th birthday of ol' U.S. of A is definitely a cause for celebration for the red, white, and blue, so let's not only do the chant but hit the goddamn music!

I remember watching last year's hot dog eating contest and wondering if someone would step up to fill the massive hole left by Joey Chestnut. Instead, his considerable shadow was cast over the entire event that ended up being a forgettable event that I feel like involved some sort of cheating allegations to go with an underwhelming amount of hot dogs being shoved down humans throats at a disgusting rate.

Now Joey has a chance to come back and save a sport that people started writing off like Michael Jordan did roughly 30 years ago. I don't know what Joey's Over/Under is, but I feel like it is my duty as an American to hammer the Over just so I can root for it before firing up my own grill and making hot dogs for everyone at my 4th of July party just as George Washington would've wanted when he built this country brick by damn brick.