Explaining How, And Why, I Ended Up In The Barstool Beach House
(WARNING- long winded blog. If you don’t like words turn back now)
Ok so news dropped yesterday that Barstool is renting a shore house this summer and a bunch of 20 year olds are going to do what 20-year-olds do down the Jersey Shore in the summertime. And oh yah, my washed up ass will be along for the ride.
Here’s a little breakdown of how we got here.
Why?
Naturally, the most popular question I was asked after this news broke was, "why?".
(Sidebar - that was followed by runners-up- "how sad is your life?" and my personal favorite, "is everything ok?")
I will address the latter before the former- Yes, I am happy to report that things are ok. I'd venture so far as to say life is grand even.
I've been busier lately than I can ever remember being, having opened a beautiful new restaurant in the Wynwood neighborhood in Miami, named Shiso in late March. It’s been doing great and getting awesome reviews. My partners and I also just opened our sixth location of Good Night John Boy in Delray Beach two weeks ago. Getting each prepared to open, I got to spend most of the winter down in Florida, which really does wonders for Midwestern seasonal depression let me tell you.
Sure, I haven’t been on a date or gotten laid in longer than I can remember. My hair is going gray at warp speed. And we had to close one of my businesses in Chicago this year because we got smoked. But my therapist tells me that I’m doing great!
Now. As for why I am going on this show? Well that’s a much more simple answer.
Long story short, because I’m an idiot.
I explained in the clip, but I was under the assumption that this was going to be something much different.
Background-
Last year before filming took place for Surviving Barstool (around this same time I believe), there was chatter leading up to it that I would be invited on.
Dave himself brought it up on his show so I assumed (once again wrongly) that I would be.
It didn’t end up happening for whatever reason but those are the breaks, and that’s life.
But between Gaz and Nate publicly going to bat for me after the show wrapped, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t eagerly waiting for the next season to be announced.
Dave emailed the entire content team last month asking for interest in this shoot and I figured “oh, this is probably like Surviving Barstool” but on the beach. Even better.
Boy was I wrong.
I figured at the very least Dave and Dan and some of the big swinging dicks around here will be involved in it, so worst case I work on my tan, treat myself to Manco’s Pizza once a day, and eat a few gallons of Italian Ice each weekend while catching up with the guys.
I know. You don’t have to remind me. I’m a moron.
Another (major) red flag should have shot up when Gaz followed up Dave’s email with a text to me asking, “yo, you getting in on the shore house?”.
Instead, like a dummy I thought he must be tagging along. (These days if Paul is showing up to something or going somewhere, you know with 99% certainty it’s going to be awesome.)
Not gonna lie, it was also a good feeling to see somebody I shared La Quinta Inn and Red Roof Inn rooms with for 5 years straight have good things to say about me. I think.
How I Came to Realize I Had Made A Giant Mistake-
When I overheard Nicky Smokes talking with Annika and Ella about the show on Monday, my ears perked up waiting to hear some names of people involved in it that were born during the Reagan administration like myself.
When that didn’t happen I asked him to run through the entire cast he knew of and held out for at least a Clinton presidency birthday.
Nada.
So now I’m stuck.
Dave’s actually excited about something I’m involved in for the first time since the infamous Miami Super Bowl Party (monsoon). So I would have to be an even bigger moron to back out now.
Advertisement
I will admit I am relieved that it is only taking place on the weekends. I almost had a panic attack when I heard it was “August”, thinking, “wait, the entire month of August?”
As of now, the only weekend I can’t be there is the first one because I’m going on a Cattle Drive in Wyoming with my best friends from college that we signed up for and have been on a waiting list for two years.
Big Cat mentioned to me in the office Monday, and repeated it again on The Yak, that I’m “going to have to fuck myself out of that house.”
I genuinely have no idea what he means by that. But I don’t think it could be good. So I didn’t know how to respond when he said it initially, or when Kate asked me on her show this morning.
My Main Concerns -
Like I said in the second clip on this post, my goals for this assignment are simple- First, to get out alive. And second, to not make a fool out of myself, my company, my family, or anybody who admits they're friends with me.
Honestly, that's not as easy as you think it might be when you really consider the people I will be in close quarters with. Combined with the tens of thousands of meatheads and guidos who descend upon the Jersey Shore from the entire New York, New Jersey, and Philly area every summer.
The other thing I’m planning on doing, to be a good sport, a team player, and contribute to things, is oversee and make sure we have an amazing Family Supper every Sunday evening.
One thing that sucks about living alone is not getting to cook for more than yourself, which really limits your options unless you want to be eating a leftover lasagna or cutlets for two weeks. Getting to prepare a feast in the kitchen every Sunday is going to be awesome.
Another thing is New Jersey has some of the best delis and Italian markets in the country, where you can find the best of the best.
I know New Jersey gets a bad rap, but I love it. And always have.
The Jersey Shore -
My first ever trip to the shore was back when I was in high school, with some buddies from St. John’s, where we went. My friend Matt’s family was from Philly, and his mom vouched to all our moms that she’d keep an eye on us for a week if we wanted to drive down for a “vacation”.
We ended up baiting and switching everybody, and heading to Wildwood. (no offense to anybody, but I think we’d all agree it’s the asshole of shore, if not all of New Jersey. And that’s saying something.) We convinced these lowlifes at a shit hole motel to rent six 16 year olds a room for a week- cash- and partied out asses off. Back then real New Jersey’s were the biggest joke ever, and you could walk in anywhere on the boardwalk and get a fake made. Not that you even needed one. We thought growing up close to Providence was a haven for underage drinking but nobody gave a fuck on the boardwalk in Wildwood. If your money was green you could buy anything. Little did we know at the time, but it ended up being one of the best weeks of any of our young lives.
Advertisement
(The two extremely tan gentlemen on the ends, were our French Canadien neighbors at the motel we stayed at - Erin's Shores- and the little kid is their son who they let drink with them all week. Wildwood is a wild place.)
Since then, between touring with Sammy Adams, and the Barstool Blackout Tour, and making monthly tour stops in Asbury Park (once got banned from The Stone Pony, but I'm back on good terms with them thank God), Atlantic City, (shout out Chef Vola's -one of the best Italian restaurants I've ever been to in America, Tony's Baltimore Grille, and White House Subs), and then dating a lovely girl whose even more lovely family was from and lived close to the shore meant spending even more time there. We did annual summer trips to the shore and I couldn’t have enjoyed it more. Sea Isle City (shout out Mike’s Seafood), Ocean City, Cape May, Stone Harbor- I fell in love with them all, all for different and unique reasons.
So the idea of a Barstool reality show filming there, was extra appealing. (Especially if I'm within a normal jogging distance to Stone Harbor so I can hit Mack's Pizza. Damn do I miss that place.)
Conclusion-
That’s it. That’s everything—how and why. I know it doesn’t justify it, but I hope it helps people understand how it came about.
Bookmark this to come back to in August or September, or whenever it airs, when I’ve done something idiotic to embarrass myself, so you can remind me about the time I made it a point to say that my only goal was not to.
Wish me luck.
(And pray for me that I don’t get my face caved in (again), by some roided out lunatic. Update- after more than 2 years, there is FINALLY a trial date set for next month.)
You can catch the entire interview with Kate, Danny, and Paige and their entire episode here -
Advertisement
P.s.- I really don’t want to jinx this by putting it out into the universe, but I see Nicky Smokes + Jersey Shore guidos going 1 of 2 ways. They either welcome him with open arms, embracing him as one of their own, their “king” even, and he ends up running shit Lord Of The Flies style. OR, the opposite happens. He becomes a marked man, says the wrong thing, to the wrong guy, or the wrong guys’ girl, and Katic is stuck pulling bodyguard duty with security Mike every night. I honestly hope it’s the first scenario. And I can seriously see that playing out. In real life Nick’s a good kid.
P.p.s.- I’ll be back next week with a predictions blog. (Including who I think will be the most freaked out about my sleepwalking, walking and sleep-talking around the house.) I would love to include the best ones people submit here in the comments and on social. So fire away.