Thoughts & Prayers to Kim Jong Un After His Navy's New 5.000-Ton Destroyer Tipped Over on its Launch and Has to Be Covered With Tarps

Kim Jae-Hwan. Shutterstock Images.

You think it's easy being absolute ruler a country. To wield supreme executive power. To be worshiped as Dear Leader by your subjects. (Or else.) To have your every wish be a command, your every whim carried out to the fullest. To live like a cat-stroking Bond villain, with no one daring to question your orders unless they want to suffer instant, terrible death. 

But apparently that life is not all it's cracked up to be for Kim Jong Un. One day you're enjoying the sight of your Navy's pride and joy with your daughter:

The next minute, all your hopes and dreams for ruling the seas like 18th century Britain are laying on their side in the shipyard:

And now you're left with no choice but to cover it with tarpaulins like it's the infield during a rain delay: 

… just to try and keep yourself from getting laughed at by those evil Capitalist dogs in the decadent West. Trying and failing, that is:

Daily Mail - The first pictures have emerged of a North Korean warship seemingly covered in tarpaulin after it capsized and sank in front of dictator Kim Jong Un.

Satellite images appear to show the naval destroyer languishing on its side alongside the dock where a launch ceremony had been held.

But the launch failed, and analysis of pictures taken on Thursday suggest the ship is now partially submerged and covered with bright blue tarpaulins in an apparent attempt to conceal the wreckage. 

State media said the the 5,000-ton ship, which had been due to enter service next year, is designed to carry weapons systems including nuclear-capable ballistic and cruise missiles.

Lee Sung Joon, spokesperson for South Korea's Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that the damaged vessel was likely equipped with similar systems and remains toppled over in the sea. 

The failed launch sparked fury from Kim Jong Un, who wants bigger warships to deal with what he calls escalating US-led threats against his country.

He declared the mishap a 'criminal act caused by absolute carelessness' that 'could not be tolerated'.

Listen, far be it for me to tell Kim Jong Un how to be a ruthless dictator with delusions of grandeur. What I don't know about being an irrational, nuclear-tipped despot could fill a library. 

But it seems to me that when your newest, most advanced technological marvel can't make it off the dock without going all Poseidon on your ass:

… I don't know that blaming "criminal acts" and "absolute carelessness" is your best option. I mean, presumably you already put your best and brightest on this project. If they can't get a ship to float upright - which to be clear is the baseline requirement of their job - that's not an indictment of them as much as it's a reflection of what a lousy job you're doing. You're the one with the total control over all things, not the poor nautical engineers and shipbuilders working in the dockyard. You're the guy who carded 18 holes in one and writes magnificent, critically acclaimed operas. If you can't get a ship to stay on top of the water, that's on you. 

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My advice is to blame the usual suspects. Blame South Korea. America. The Orange Devil. The fact that an economic system driven by private ownership of property creates class divisions and exploits the working class and the proletariat must take over the means of production. Better yet, just pull the old "I meant to do that" gag and insist everything is going according to plan. It's always worked in the past. 

The real fun of this is going to be once the video of this launch:

…  makes it out of North Korea and into the West. And then we get to watch them try to recover this thing, which should take months. And if they try to keep the tarpaulins in place so we can't see, it'll make it just that much more entertaining. Somebody please get a satellite over the area, keep it there, and set up a live cam. That's a channel I'll subscribe to.