Dumping Them Out: The Speed Ranking of Dog Breeds
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. In honor of National Dog Day coming up in a few months, today's episode will be dog focused. Today's episode will be a speed ranking of dogs. It is quite possible that rankings dogs is the #1 most low effort content idea that has ever graced the internet. But I am in the mood to rank dogs today. Also I have to run to Brooklyn to pick up yarn here in couple hours. Yes that's a real thing that's happening.
Keep in mind these are speed rankings and not power rankings. Everybody wants their rankings to be powerful. I prefer my rankings fast. With speed rankings, once you rank something, there's no re-ranking. No switching things around. I find this to be a more honest style of ranking.
Basset Hound
Unequivocally my favorite looking dog. I will likely never own a Basset Hound, because whenever it comes time for me to get my next dog, I'll almost certainly end up going with a rescue (applause break). And like many of the best, most goofiest looking dogs, it's one of those dogs that probably shouldn't exist. There's just no way dogs are supposed to bred that way. I imagine they come out of the womb with back problems. But I love a floppy and droopy animal.
Bernese Mountain Dog
Kind of a larger, more properly proportioned version of the Basset Hound in terms of floppiness. The Bernese Mountain Dog has the idea color coat for dogs (black, white, and tan with a multi-colored face). I appreciate a dog that's inconveniently large. A dog that when it gets excited, can run straight at you and spear you like a middle linebacker. A dog that at all times you are tempted to saddle up and ride.
Weiner Dog (Dachshund)
I'm a sucker for a misproportioned dog. Weiner dogs are the most popular of the misproportioned dog breed (I think). I love all types of weiner dogs. Short-haired, long-haired, miniatures, mixes. Sometimes weiner dog mixes are the best of them all. When you weiner-dogify another dog breed, it yields some interesting results. I like how weiner dogs were originally bred to hunt badgers. I like when small towns hold weiner dog races. I like how they look hilarious when diving after a tennis ball into the water. And I especial like when they sit up vertically.
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PenelopeB. Getty Images.Golden Retriever
The classic dog. Probably the most American of all the dogs. If I had to pick one dog breed to bring with me in a Noah's Ark situation, I would choose the Golden Retriever. I wouldn't think twice about it either. The golden retriever is the perfect representation of what a dog is.
Saint Bernard
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Picture this, you're on a treacherous climb through the Swiss Alps. The weather takes an unexpected turn. All of the sudden it's whiteout conditions. You get separated from your group. You're struck by an avalanche. You go tumbling halfway down The Matterhorn. You've broken all your legs and arms. Surely you're going to die. But all of the sudden, a majestic figure hovers over you. It's a Saint Bernard with a large barrel around his neck containing all of the tools you need to survive.
(The legend actually goes that Saint Bernard's barrels simply contained brandy to keep stranded travelers warm. In reality, I would think drinking alcohol would only expedite you dying. So in some ways, if you're stranded in the mountains, a Saint Bernard coming to your aid is kinda like the angel of death. But at least you get to die with a nice buzz and cool dog by your side)
Australian Sheep Dog
The blue eyes creep me out a bit. Makes me feel like they're piercing into my soul. Or like the dog is a White Walker. But it's the perfect sized dog. It's big enough that you don't feel like you have a "small dog", which is important for some people. But they're not so large that they're inconvenient. They are fun, athletic dogs. I don't think I've ever come across an Australian Shepherd who wasn't in the market to chase a ball. I appreciate a dog who plays sports.
Bloodhound
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I love a dog that I could hypothetically take on a hunt in the English countryside. A dog that should I ever have an enemy I need to track through the woods, I can find an old article of their clothing, give it to my Bloodhound to pick up his scent, and track him down to whatever rock that bitch is hiding under.
Pitbull
There's something about a dog that has the ability to rip your face off in the blink of an eye. It commands respect. It keeps your neighbors on their toes. Having a family Pitbull teaches your children a valuable life lesson. If you treat your loved one's with care and respect, they will reward you with love and loyalty forever. But if you cross them, they will murder you.