Pope Leo Hates Jerry Reinsdorf Too (Probably)

Marco Ravagli. Getty Images.

We have a new Pope!!! Awesome stuff. Now, I'm not remotely religious let alone Catholic, but, as a 36 year old with a raging case of Early Onset Republican, I love history and learning up about it aka I watch a lot of YouTube videos and completely Hollywoodified works of "non" fiction. 

With that said, I was in Rome, Italy two weeks ago. While the trip was planned for months, it luckily timed up perfectly with both the death of Papa Francisco, his burial and the start of #conclave. It was really cool to be there during a sincerely historic time. and because of that, I felt obligated to learn up on Rome, Christianity and their 2000+ year relationship with each other prior to the trip. 

This 18 minute video on the life of Jesus basically made me a historian of Christianity: 

Anywho, the thesis of this blog isn't about my weird brain. It's about a God damn CHICAGO WHITE SOX fan being named the leader of 1.4 BILLION people yesterday. 

Yes, you read that correctly. A White Sox fan. Not a Cubs fan. Not a Yankees fan. Not a Dodgers fan. A WHITE SOX fan… and that's in spite of what the Cubs official Twitter account would lead you to believe: 

NOOOOPPPEEE!!!! His brother flat out denied the Cubs blatant LIE, which is a clear violation of the 9th commandment:  

So there you have it. The new Pope grew up a White Sox fan. Glad we cleared that up. 

But how big of a White Sox fan? That's the logical next question. 

Well, he's a big enough fan where he's paying money to go to World Series games while donning a jersey of the team: 

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Soooooo yeah. He's a fan alright. It'd have been easy to assume a man as pious as the new pope probably "roots for Chicago" (barf) but it looks like he's a real fan…

…and a real fan HATE the Cubs, even if the fan is the Pope. I don't make the rules, that's just how it goes in this world. Even for His Holiness. 

Naturally, that brings us to our next line of questions: 

1. Has the Pope ever taken a shot of Malort? 

My would be yes, Pope Leo has taken a shot of Malort in his life. One of his nephews or something HAD to have talked him into it before, right? I'm not even kidding when I say I would be surprised if he hasn't. It's as possible as him eating at Lou Malnati's or Portillo's before, and I'd say those odds are close to 100%

2. Can he buy the White Sox with the Catholic Church's money? 

Houston Chronicle/Hearst Newspapers. Getty Images.

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As the new head honcho, CEO, BMOC, and BOSS MAN of the Catholic Church, I can only assume he can and will use Catholic money to buy the White Sox and turn them into a perennial powerhouse. He's the boss remember, and just one person removed from God himself (I think), so not even sure it'd be illegal for him to do so, as he makes the rules. 

He's got plenty of money as his disposal now, so let's ride: 

And if it is illegal, it's not like he can't have his "people" sweep it under the rug anyways if it is illegal. Corruption and the Catholic Church go together like peas and carrots, amirite?

3. Does the Pope hate Jerry Reinsdorf?

Duh. Of course he does. He's a Sox fan. That's bigger than being a Pope and loving thy neighbor and all that shit. It's in your blood, you weren't elected to it. Man can't control emotion like that. It's natural instinct like blinking or breathing. Not even kidding when I say this.

My good friend Dougie Freshness originally mentioned this:  

Some would say (not me) that with Pope Leo's Sox loving ass getting conclaved all the way to the top of the Catholic Church that the White Sox have both god AND Satan in their mix now: 

David Banks. Getty Images.

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I don't know if Jerry Reinsdorf is capable of feeling emotion or not, but in the off chance that he is, to know that the Pope of all people hates you run has got to really sting the ego. Sell the goddamn team! The Pope is BEGGING you to Jerry! 

4. Is the Pope a WSD fan? 

There's a non-zero chance. 

Apparently he's a "great texter", per a buddy of his, and is active on social media. That means there's a non-zero chance that he knows of my existence, and an even better chance that he's at least seen the Cusack video or the gum video or the velco video or one of the other 1000 omnipresent and humiliating videos of me. 

Or maybe he thought Kamalala Love was a fucking JAM. 

Idk. But the fact that there's a good chance at one point he's watched the Cusack video while taking a dump and thought to himself, "goddamn what a loser" is a thought that kinda scares me even if it's sneaky funny.  

I'll have Eddie reach out to his people to see if we can get him on The Stretch. In the end though, having His Holiness on our side means the Sox, Bears and Bulls are all about to go on BIBLICAL runs.