Classic Small Town Drama: Naked Walking Man Wreaking Havoc on Small Community, Cops Say There's Nothing They Can Do Unless He Shows "Intent to Arouse Himself of Others"
WINFIELD, Kan. (KWCH) - Neighbors near Arkansas City came together Tuesday night to address how one area man continues to legally walk around the neighborhood naked. The neighbors want him to stop and for police to step in because they say,they’re tired of seeing him fully exposed outside. The neighbors voiced concerns at the Cowley County Commission meeting Tuesday at which officials addressed those concerns and the commission took the first steps toward a resolution.
The Cowley County Commission authorized the county’s sheriff and attorney to begin writing a new ordinance that will make the naked neighborhood walks illegal. Some of the complaints concern the neighborhood south of Arkansas City’s proximity to an elementary school.
“We’ve got small children that live right there, they’ve got grandkids, I’ve got grandkids,” said neighbor Shannon Gurnee. “There’s a school just a couple blocks down the road and it’s just, it’s unacceptable.”
Neighbors have called the sheriff to confront the neighborhood nudist but the sheriff explained that under current laws, nothing the naked man is doing is illegal.
“Unfortunately, we have to show that he has an intent to arouse himself or others which we were not able to do in this case,” Cowley County Sheriff David Falletti said.
Parents and neighbors are demanding action.
“I would want it to be illegal, honestly; I would want him to be in trouble, that if we called the cops that he could be arrested and it be handled that way,” said concerned parent Kristy Topper.
On Tuesday night, Cowley County commissioners responded by giving Sheriff Falletti and the county attorney the authorization to write a new ordinance that’d outlaw public nudity in the county. Those in attendance at Tuesday night’s commission meeting said they’re that something is finally being done.
“It’s a first step. I didn’t think anything else would happen, you know; good first step,” said concerned citizen Pam Craine.
Neighbors said they hope that the follow through happens quickly.
It's the perfect local news story. I'm sure the folks being interviewed in that segment would tell you otherwise, but I guarantee this is the type of small town controversy the concerned citizens of Cowley County live for. The naked walker gives this tight-knight community just outside of Arkansas City (on the border of Kansas and Oklahoma) a common enemy. It's a bit of drama in a place where nothing ever happens aside from the occasional threat of being wiped off the face of the earth by a tornado. It's a reason for Cale Chapman of channel 12 News, Wichita's #1 source for local news and content, to come to town and have their voices heard. It's a chance for the Cowley County comissioners to be heroes. This is why they got involved in local government in the first place. To come together in a church basement, and through tedious legislation, free the town from the shackles of naked walking man, who's decidedly not erect penis has been wreaking havoc on the eyes of their impressionable young children. This is the Cowley County Commissions' Super Bowl. They might not realize it, but naked walking man is exactly what this town needs.
As things currently stand, naked walking man has this unincorporated community by the balls. According to Sheriff David Falletti, in that particular statute, men and women are fully within their rights to hang dong or sleeve in broad daylight, so long has they do not demonstrate intent to arouse themselves or others. There's nothing erotic about what naked walking man is doing. Naked walking man isn't the pervert in this situation. I'm afraid it's concerned citizens Kristy Topper and Pam Crain who have their minds in the gutter. When they see naked walking man strutting his stuff, they can't help but see a sexual being. "That man is naked, he must be trying to fuck the town". But check the tapes. That penis hasn't moved a wink. Unless the Cowley County Commissioners can rewrite the laws, naked walking man is free to take his brisk spring walks the way God made him.
But if I'm a concerned citizen, I'm not sitting around and waiting for a group of county commissioners to get their shit together and "pass an ordinance". I'm taking matters into my own hands. I'm setting out to prove intent of arousal. Purchase a high-def video camera with a super-zoom lens and film that dick every time naked walking man leaves his house. Track the penis' length, girth, bend, yaw, how it moves in the wind, the way it reacts to changing weather patterns, etc. If that dick so much as holds up in a stiff breeze on a hot morning, that's proof of additional blood in the shaft. By law, that constitutes arousal. Send that tape (along with your comprehensive findings) into the Sheriff and see what he has to say about that.
If you can't catch this man in a natural horny, you may need to run a honeypot operation. You may even need to sacrifice a citizen to go down with him for the greater good of Crowley County. The next time he goes for a naked walk, have the community's most seductive temptress step outside for an impromptu car wash. I don't have to explain what a hot MILF washing a vehicle does to a man's brain. Inducing erection may be as simple as wiping down the hood in a midriff top. But if he's still playing softball, someone is going to have to break out the big jugs. Eventually you may just have to have sex with him right there on the lack of sidewalk. In that case, you'd go down along with him. I personally wouldn't take things that far. But if you're serious about putting an end to this naked walking nonsense right fucking now, you have to fight fire with fire.
Nothing like some good middle-America small town drama. I've been so desensitized from living in big cities that I sometimes forget how serious it can get. Last week I turned the corner leaving our office and saw a filthy homeless man weighing no more than 130-pounds taking a piss, proudly displaying a dick so large it made me question everything I know about what an acceptable penis size for a grown adult is. 15 seconds later I arrived at Taqueria be El Prieto. By the time I ordered my quesadilla I'd forgotten all about it. But that's why the concerned citizens of Cowley County live in Cowley County They don't want to be made to feel inadequate by giant homeless penises on their way to lunch. Or have a friendly neighbor walk nakedly past their family home every morning in the summer. Different strokes for different folks.
Good luck to the people of Cowley County. Good luck to naked walking man. This is a good clean fight. Both sides believe they're in the right. But only one will come out victorious. May the best citizen win.