Donald Trump Wants to Reopen Alcatraz As A Functioning Federal Prison, "Will Serve As a Symbol of Law, Order, and JUSTICE"

CNN — President Donald Trump on Sunday said that he would order the government to rebuild and reopen Alcatraz, a former prison on a small island of the same name off the coast of San Francisco that once housed some of the most dangerous criminals in the country, including Al Capone, George “Machine Gun” Kelly and James “Whitey” Bulger.

The prison, which closed 60 years ago due to its crumbling infrastructure and high maintenance costs, “will serve as a symbol of Law, Order, and JUSTICE,” Trump said in a post on Truth Social Sunday, later telling reporters it was “just an idea” he had as federal judges pushed to ensure deported migrants had due process.

On Monday, the US Bureau of Prisons Director William K. Marshall III said his agency will “pursue all avenues” to implement Trump’s plans for reopening Alcatraz.

“I have ordered an immediate assessment to determine our needs and the next steps. USP Alcatraz has a rich history. We look forward to restoring this powerful symbol of law, order, and justice. We will be actively working with our law enforcement and other federal partners to reinstate this very important mission,” Marshall said in a statement.

The Department of the Interior referred CNN to Trump’s statement, saying the department and the National Park Service had “nothing to add at this time.”

I've been deeply intrigued by prisons ever since I was a child. Every time we'd drive by one I'd be fascinated thinking about sheer number the criminals inside and the terrible things they did to land themselves in there. So many horrible people in one confined space. I was always scared I'd end up in one someday, while at the same time kinda wanting to know what it was like to be in one. I always wanted to walk the halls of a prison and gawk at the "bad guys" like I was at some sort of x-rated zoo. To this day, I think if someone guaranteed me a rape-free stay, and I wouldn't have anything put on my criminal record, I'd sign up for a three-month stay in federal prison. Like a prison fantasy camp for adults type of situation. Just so I could know what it's like. 

Especially if that prison were Alcatraz. Being locked up in Alcatraz might be pretty dope. There's a lot of history there. Which of course begs the question, "Is Alcatraz too cool to be re-opened as a functioning prison?"

My gut reaction to Trump re-opening Alcatraz is, "That's fucking awesome". Which makes me think it might not be the best idea. I'm afraid criminals will take being locked up in Alcatraz as a badge of honor. I'm thinking about it now. Al Capone, George "Machine Gun" Kelly, James "Whitey" Bulger, Barstool John Rich. 

Being locked up in Alcatraz presents a unique opportunity to become a legend. It's badass enough to be locked up there. It would be even more badass to escape. This whole thing makes me want to wait until Alcatraz is back up and running and commit a serious of gruesome murders in the Bay Area. I'd target the wealthiest people I could find. Steal all of their money. Then one of two things could happen. I get away scot-free, move to Thailand, develop a weird ladyboy sex addiction and live a life of luxurious debauchery like Sam Rockwell in White Lotus. Or I'm caught red handed, imprisoned on-island, and use the opportunity to go down in history as the first ever Alcatraz escapee of the live ball era. Or maybe I get shot in the skull by a sniper and my dead body washes up onto Fisherman's Wharf to be eaten by sea lions. Either way I go out with a bang. But I'm pretty sure I could pull of the escape. Between touring Alcatraz with my family when I was 12, and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4, I know that place like the back of my hand. All I need is someone to smuggle me in a skateboard and I'm out of there in under a minute. 

Just something for our President to consider if he's serious about going through with re-opening The Rock. Sure, the estimated $52 million in restoration costs to whip Alcatraz back into modern prison shape seems like a small price to pay for a powerful symbol of law, order, and JUSTICE. But consider the increase in murders as a result of Alcatraz being kind of a badass place to be locked up. I mean seriously. Think about how hard the Alcatraz prison TikTok's would go. I bet me and my cool inmate friends could make more money posting grainy viral dance footage and prison commissary meal hacks from D-Block than Barstool Sports' New York office does combined.

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P.S. If there are any law enforcement officers reading this, I'm just joking. I don't have the stomach for murder.  Please don't put me on a list. Unless you're serious about the "3 months in a rape-free prison fantasy camp" thing. I'm actually very interested in that.